[Dixielandjazz] Music Definitions

[Bob Romans]

Thanks to Dan Augustine!

 

And here are a couple more thoughts on music:

 

"Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass."  --
Frank Zappa

 

"Now, everyone look like you're having fun. Only don't."  --Lawrence Welk

 

"When one day an arctic traveler played a recorded song by one  

  of the most famous European composers to an Eskimo singer, 

  the man smiled somewhat haughtily and stated: 'Many many       

  notes, but no better music.'"  -- Curt Sachs _The Wellsprings of Music_

 

Someone asked famous jazz saxophonist Stan Getz how he could play so well 

while he was drunk.  He replied, "Easy, I practice drunk!" 

 

Jazz musician Bobby Hackett was once addressed by a customs official, 

whose sceptical eye had espied his trumpet case:      

    "Is that a musical instrument?"  he asked.                  

    "Sometimes," replied Hackett

 

"Just hoping it would get better, man."  

            -- modern-jazz sax-player on why his solo lasted for 20 minutes.

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Subject: Fwd: Definitions

Date: October 18, 2013 12:43:02 AM CDT

 


BANDSTAND: The area furthest away from an electrical outlet.

BIG BAND: Nowadays, an aggregation consisting of two musicians.

BROADWAY PIT JOB: A prison sentence disguised as a gig. 

CABARET: A venue where singers do songs from shows that closed out of town.

CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME: God's way of telling you that you've practiced too
much. 

CATERER: A man whose hatred for musicians is unrivaled. 

CLASSICAL COMPOSER: A man ahead of his time and behind in the rent.

CLUBDATER: God's way of telling you that you didn't practice enough. 

CRUISE SHIP WORK: A gig that gives a musician two reasons to throw up.

DJ: The guy your son would rather have play for his Bar Mitzvah. 

DOUBLE BASS: The instrument the folks footing the bill feel is unnecessary.

DOWNBEAT: The magazine that would have you believe that all jazz musicians
are working.

ELECTRIC PIANO: The instrument that enables its player to pay for the hernia
he sustained lifting it. 

HOTEL PIANIST: A guy who looks good in a tux. 

JAZZ: The only true American art form beloved by Europeans. 

JAZZ FESTIVAL: An event attended by folks who think Coltrane is a car on the
B&O railroad.

LYRIC: That part of a tune known only by singers and homosexuals.

MELLOPHONE: An instrument best put to use when converted into a lamp.

MOVIE COMPOSER: Someone who can write like anyone except himself.

NEW AGE: A musical substitute for Valium.

NEW YEAR'S EVE: The night of the year when contractors are forced to hire
musicians they despise.

ORCHESTRATOR: The musician who enhances a composer's music, only to be
chastised for it. 

PERCUSSIONIST: A drummer who can't swing.

PERFECT PITCH: The ability to pinpoint any note and still play out of tune.

PIANIST: An archaic term for a keyboard player. 

PRODIGY: A kid who has as much chance at a normal childhood as the Chicago
Cubs winning the World Series. 

RAGA: The official music of New York's Taxi and Limousine Commission.

RARE VIOLIN: A Stradivarius, not to be confused with a rare violinist, which
is someone over four foot eleven.

SIDEMAN: The appellation that guarantees a musician will never be rich.

STAFF MUSICIAN: Harder to locate than a cavity in the Osmond family. 

STEADY ENGAGEMENT: Look up in Webster's Dictionary under the word
''obsolete.''

UNION REP: A guy who thinks big bands are coming back.

VERSE: The part of a tune that's disposable, except to its composer.

WURLITZER: The Ford Pinto of pianos. 

YANNI: A man blessed with great hair for music.

__________________

 

 

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**  Dan Augustine  --  Austin, Texas  --  ds.augustine at mail.utexas.edu

**     "The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench,       

**      a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free,      

**      and good men die like dogs.  There's also a negative side."   

**                       -- Hunter Thompson                           

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