[Dixielandjazz] Gig Rules-- more--from Charlie Suhor

[Norman Vickers]

To:  Musicians and Jazzfans list; DJML

From:  Norman Vickers, Jazz Society of Pensacola 

 

 

Jazz writer/historian/percussionist Charlie Suhor, now residing in
Montgomery, AL sends this.  He and I both apologize if you've seen it
before.  However like the sign in a favorite library, it reads:  Any book is
new if you haven't read it!

 

Thanks, Charlie.  It gave me several chuckles.

 

 


Gig  Rules, Infractions and Fines

DRUMMER OFFENSES

NAME OF DRUMMER: __________________________________
DRUMMERS REAL NAME: _______________________________
(other than "sticks", "backbeat", "snake", "drowned-out" ... etc.)

DATE OF OFFENSE(S): _____ / _____ / _______

Setup / Equipment Offenses:
[ ] Brings a 36" bass drum ..$25.
[ ] Has more than one bass drum. ..$100.
[ ] Brings a 10" deep snare (for a solid back beat)..$50.
[ ] Brings more than 2 mounted toms ..$25.
[ ] Has a tubular chrome bar that holds all his mounted toms ..$50.
[ ] Brings more than one floor tom .$25.
[ ] Brings more than one crash cymbal ..$25.
[ ] Doesn't bring a ride cymbal..$250.
[ ] Brings a 46" Chinese gong (for big endings)..$75.
[ ] Brings two timpani (for really big endings)..$100.
[ ] Doesn't bring any brushes..$300.
[ ] Has a hi-hat that is welded shut..$250.
[ ] Asks leader where he can plug in his headphones..$200.
[ ] Wears old black Nike sneakers on tux gig..$50.
[ ] Tunes snare drum during the benediction..$175.

Playing Offenses:
[ ] Plays eighth note rock ballad style on "Stardust"..$150.
[ ] Pretends to read chart with big band..$25.
[ ] Actually reads drum part for big band (note for note)..$200.
[ ] Asks bass player "Where are we?" on "Happy Birthday"..$100.
[ ] Plays disco beat on "A Train"..$200.
[ ] Takes fours on "The Bride Cuts the Cake"..$100.
[ ] Takes a break when the leader says "A request for Take 5"..$25.
[ ] Actually tries to play on "Take 5"..$150.
[ ] Asks leader what brushes are..$250.
[ ] Plays breaks in "Cute" with sticks..$50.
[ ] Plays breaks in "Cute" on timpani..$100.
[ ] Plays breaks in "Cute" on Chinese gong..$250.
[ ] Juggling drumsticks during song ..$250.
[ ] Losing time while juggling drumsticks ..$350.
[ ] Failure to catch juggled drumsticks ..$500.
[ ] Stop playing to pick up dropped drumstick(s) ..$1250.
Other Miscellaneous Offenses:
[ ] Mentions to host that "DJs are the wave of the future..$100.
[ ] Is first in line at the party's buffet..$50.
[ ] Asks where the "take-out bags" are at the buffet line..$100.
[ ] Asks the bartender for 3 "Purple Shooters"..$50.
[ ] Says to the bride "You've got a nice set of hooters"..$25.
[ ] Says to the brides mother "Hey this is a f#%*in' good party"..$150.
[ ] Is ten minutes late for the next set..$25.
[ ] Is twenty minutes late for the next set..$10.
[ ] Never shows up for the next set..$1.

BASS OFFENSES
NAME OF OFFENDER (Bass Player)_______________________
INFRACTION DATE___________________________

MUSICAL OFFENSES
[ ] Playing loudly during warm up ..$10
[ ] Sound-checking amp with funk slapping ..$25
[ ] Loud cursing after mistake ..$10
[ ] Playing high and fast after mistake ..$20
[ ] Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes ..$20
[ ] Asking for "E" tuning note ..$25
[ ] Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb ..$50
[ ] Playing written-out walking line ..$50
[ ] Failure to play written walking line ..$75
[ ] Writing note names over ledger-line notes ..$50
[ ] Writing beat numbers under dotted figures ..$50
[ ] Playing eighth notes ..$5 each
[ ] Playing sixteenth notes ..$10 each
[ ] Playing above 1st octave .. immediate dismissal
[ ] Dragging fast tempo ..$75
[ ] Dragging ballad tempo ..$100
[ ] Blacking out during ballad ..$200
[ ] Ignoring drummer's tempo ..$100
[ ] Following drummer's tempo ..$250
[ ] Asking to borrow Real Book for "All Of Me" ..$1000

UPRIGHT PLAYERS
[ ] Showing up before first downbeat ..$25
[ ] Playing audibly ..$25
[ ] Faking changes ..$25
[ ] Slapping ..$150
[ ] Missing tuttilick, then mentioning vintage of bass ..$25
[ ] Excessive sweating ..$25
[ ] Pedal point double-stops during horn solo ..$50
[ ] Asking leader for a solo ..$30
[ ] Accepting solo when offered ..$50
[ ] Taking second chorus ..$100
[ ] Playing solo arco..$400
[ ] Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune ..$100
[ ] Playing "A Train" ending on every tune ..$200
[ ] Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune ..$500

ELECTRIC PLAYERS
[ ] Checking hair between tunes ..$15
[ ] Experimenting with odd meters ..$25
[ ] Missing root at end of blistering fill ..$25
[ ] Playing with a pick ..$50
[ ] Tuning during ballad ..$30
[ ] Playing Jacogroove on samba ..$75
[ ] Playing Jacosamba groove on ballad ..$150
[ ] Attempting last word on final chord ..$50
[ ] Achieving last word on final chord ..$100
[ ] Long glissdown to final note ..$200

EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC
[ ] Forgetting strap ..$10
[ ] Changing strings after every set ..$15
[ ] Using electric tuner ..$15
[ ] Setting up mic"just in case" ..$75
[ ] Forgetting to turn amp on ..$40
[ ] Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip ..$50
[ ] Asking horn player for help moving amp ..$25
[ ] Bringing custom-made bass ..$100 per string above 4
[ ] Bringing more than 1 bass ..$100 per extra bass
[ ] Skull decals on bass ..$150
[ ] Bringing fretless bass ..$500
CRIMINAL BAD TASTE
[ ] Telling bone player about all the gigs you get ..$10
[ ] Asking bone player about their day gig ..$10
[ ] Sitting behind drums on break ..$10
[ ] Quoting "Birdland" ..$25
[ ] Practicing scales during break ..$25
[ ] Practicing scales during drum solo ..$50
[ ] Practicing ..$150
[ ] Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..." ..$50
[ ] Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are
"into sequencing" ..$100

BASIC STUPIDITY
[ ] Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt ..$10
[ ] Wearing new Whitesnaketour shirt ..$20
[ ] Asking when the rock set starts ..$20
[ ] Continually asking "where are we?" ..$25
[ ] Continually shouting "Yeah!" ..$25
[ ] Asking bone player where "1" is ..$50
[ ] Taking cell phone call during 4's ..$100

TRUMPET CITATIONS, INFRACTIONS
NAME OF OFFENDER_____________
INFRACTION DATE _____________

MUSICAL OFFENSES:
[ ] Playing highest note possible in warm- up-$100
[ ] Sound-checking micwith obnoxious jazz licks-$15
[ ] Raising hand after mistake-$15
[ ] Practicing multiple tongueingnot called for on gig-$15
[ ] Blacking out after high note-$20
[ ] Obnoxiously show-offywarm-up-$25
[ ] Taking tuning note up an octave-$25
[ ] Vibrato on unison passage-$50
[ ] Failure to use 3rd valve slide-$50
[ ] Playing B-flat when band tunes to A-$75
[ ] Being told by conductor to play louder-$400
[ ] Failure to swing-$1000

LEAD PLAYERS:
[ ] Changing mouthpieces mid-song-$15
[ ] Faking section into early entrance-$10
[ ] Faking self into early entrances-$50
[ ] Missing high lick, then mentioning previous gig(s)-$25
[ ] Asking conductor if it's OK to take a lick up-$25
[ ] Asking conductor if it's OK to take a lick down-$400
[ ] Taking a lick down that you took up in rehearsal-$100
[ ] Missing last note of "In the Mood"-$200

SECTION/NON-LEAD PLAYERS:
[ ] Missing entrance when lead drops out-$15
[ ] Pointing out to the lead that guy on the record took that last lick
up -$20
[ ] Attempting unassigned lick biffed by lead-$50
[ ] Asking lead what mouthpiece he uses-$75
[ ] Hanging over past lead on last chord-$100
[ ] Attempting to out-screech lead on last chord-$100
[ ] Successfully out-screeching lead at any time-$500

EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS:
[ ] Playing with screw on rim-$10
[ ] Polishing horn on stage-$15
[ ] Dropping mute-$10
[ ] Dropping horn-Repairs + $20
[ ] Dropping Dead-Warning
[ ] Forgetting pencil-$20
[ ] Forgetting Mute(s)-Each $50
[ ] Forgetting Bow-Tie or socks-$30
[ ] Forgetting Mouthpiece- $30
[ ] Forgetting Mags-$100
[ ] Blaming mistake on sticky valves-$25
[ ] Getting marble or similar object stuck down bell-$750

CRIMINAL BAD TASTE:
[ ] Having nicest gig-bag in section-$10
[ ] Talking about the great deal you got on a new horn-$10
[ ] Hawking old horn on Bandstand-$10
[ ] Quoting Herb Alpert or MangioneSong-$250
[ ] Farting on bandstand-$25
[ ] Defecating on bandstand-$75
[ ] Practicing legit style on swing gig- $35
[ ] Discussing how plentiful gigs were in the old days-$50
[ ] Beginning a sentence with "when I played for Kenton"-$50
[ ] Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you also
play Keyboards-$100

BASIC STUPIDITY
[ ] Wearing old MF tour shirt-$15
[ ] Wearing new MF tour shirt-$25
[ ] Playing on a Jet-tone mouthpiece-$20
[ ] Continually asking "where are we?"-$25
[ ] Drunkenness on stage-$25
[ ] Stonedness on stage-$50
[ ] Sobriety on stage-$75
[ ] Pretending to be friends with a bone player-$50
[ ] Actually being friends with a bone player-$200
[ ] Dating a bone player- $7500
[ ] Loaning money to bone player-4x amount loaned
[ ] Sitting next to conductor at meals-$100

 

 
--End--