[Dixielandjazz] Gig Rules-- more--from Charlie Suhor

[Bert Brandsma]

Why is dating a bone player the highest price????

 

I'm in big trouble, since I married a lovely trombone player 5 years ago. Went out with her so often..... and still do.

why did nobody warn me before?

 

Will forward the first part to all dummers I know.

 

Kind regards,

 

Bert Brandsma

 

 


 
> From: nvickers1 at cox.net
> Date: Fri, 27 Nov 2009 12:02:46 -0600
> Subject: [Dixielandjazz] Gig Rules-- more--from Charlie Suhor
> CC: dixielandjazz at ml.islandnet.com
> To: dixieorkest at hotmail.com
> 
> 
> 
> To: Musicians and Jazzfans list; DJML
> 
> From: Norman Vickers, Jazz Society of Pensacola 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Jazz writer/historian/percussionist Charlie Suhor, now residing in
> Montgomery, AL sends this. He and I both apologize if you've seen it
> before. However like the sign in a favorite library, it reads: Any book is
> new if you haven't read it!
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks, Charlie. It gave me several chuckles.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Gig Rules, Infractions and Fines
> 
> DRUMMER OFFENSES
> 
> NAME OF DRUMMER: __________________________________
> DRUMMERS REAL NAME: _______________________________
> (other than "sticks", "backbeat", "snake", "drowned-out" ... etc.)
> 
> DATE OF OFFENSE(S): _____ / _____ / _______
> 
> Setup / Equipment Offenses:
> [ ] Brings a 36" bass drum ..$25.
> [ ] Has more than one bass drum. ..$100.
> [ ] Brings a 10" deep snare (for a solid back beat)..$50.
> [ ] Brings more than 2 mounted toms ..$25.
> [ ] Has a tubular chrome bar that holds all his mounted toms ..$50.
> [ ] Brings more than one floor tom .$25.
> [ ] Brings more than one crash cymbal ..$25.
> [ ] Doesn't bring a ride cymbal..$250.
> [ ] Brings a 46" Chinese gong (for big endings)..$75.
> [ ] Brings two timpani (for really big endings)..$100.
> [ ] Doesn't bring any brushes..$300.
> [ ] Has a hi-hat that is welded shut..$250.
> [ ] Asks leader where he can plug in his headphones..$200.
> [ ] Wears old black Nike sneakers on tux gig..$50.
> [ ] Tunes snare drum during the benediction..$175.
> 
> Playing Offenses:
> [ ] Plays eighth note rock ballad style on "Stardust"..$150.
> [ ] Pretends to read chart with big band..$25.
> [ ] Actually reads drum part for big band (note for note)..$200.
> [ ] Asks bass player "Where are we?" on "Happy Birthday"..$100.
> [ ] Plays disco beat on "A Train"..$200.
> [ ] Takes fours on "The Bride Cuts the Cake"..$100.
> [ ] Takes a break when the leader says "A request for Take 5"..$25.
> [ ] Actually tries to play on "Take 5"..$150.
> [ ] Asks leader what brushes are..$250.
> [ ] Plays breaks in "Cute" with sticks..$50.
> [ ] Plays breaks in "Cute" on timpani..$100.
> [ ] Plays breaks in "Cute" on Chinese gong..$250.
> [ ] Juggling drumsticks during song ..$250.
> [ ] Losing time while juggling drumsticks ..$350.
> [ ] Failure to catch juggled drumsticks ..$500.
> [ ] Stop playing to pick up dropped drumstick(s) ..$1250.
> Other Miscellaneous Offenses:
> [ ] Mentions to host that "DJs are the wave of the future..$100.
> [ ] Is first in line at the party's buffet..$50.
> [ ] Asks where the "take-out bags" are at the buffet line..$100.
> [ ] Asks the bartender for 3 "Purple Shooters"..$50.
> [ ] Says to the bride "You've got a nice set of hooters"..$25.
> [ ] Says to the brides mother "Hey this is a f#%*in' good party"..$150.
> [ ] Is ten minutes late for the next set..$25.
> [ ] Is twenty minutes late for the next set..$10.
> [ ] Never shows up for the next set..$1.
> 
> BASS OFFENSES
> NAME OF OFFENDER (Bass Player)_______________________
> INFRACTION DATE___________________________
> 
> MUSICAL OFFENSES
> [ ] Playing loudly during warm up ..$10
> [ ] Sound-checking amp with funk slapping ..$25
> [ ] Loud cursing after mistake ..$10
> [ ] Playing high and fast after mistake ..$20
> [ ] Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes ..$20
> [ ] Asking for "E" tuning note ..$25
> [ ] Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb ..$50
> [ ] Playing written-out walking line ..$50
> [ ] Failure to play written walking line ..$75
> [ ] Writing note names over ledger-line notes ..$50
> [ ] Writing beat numbers under dotted figures ..$50
> [ ] Playing eighth notes ..$5 each
> [ ] Playing sixteenth notes ..$10 each
> [ ] Playing above 1st octave .. immediate dismissal
> [ ] Dragging fast tempo ..$75
> [ ] Dragging ballad tempo ..$100
> [ ] Blacking out during ballad ..$200
> [ ] Ignoring drummer's tempo ..$100
> [ ] Following drummer's tempo ..$250
> [ ] Asking to borrow Real Book for "All Of Me" ..$1000
> 
> UPRIGHT PLAYERS
> [ ] Showing up before first downbeat ..$25
> [ ] Playing audibly ..$25
> [ ] Faking changes ..$25
> [ ] Slapping ..$150
> [ ] Missing tuttilick, then mentioning vintage of bass ..$25
> [ ] Excessive sweating ..$25
> [ ] Pedal point double-stops during horn solo ..$50
> [ ] Asking leader for a solo ..$30
> [ ] Accepting solo when offered ..$50
> [ ] Taking second chorus ..$100
> [ ] Playing solo arco..$400
> [ ] Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune ..$100
> [ ] Playing "A Train" ending on every tune ..$200
> [ ] Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune ..$500
> 
> ELECTRIC PLAYERS
> [ ] Checking hair between tunes ..$15
> [ ] Experimenting with odd meters ..$25
> [ ] Missing root at end of blistering fill ..$25
> [ ] Playing with a pick ..$50
> [ ] Tuning during ballad ..$30
> [ ] Playing Jacogroove on samba ..$75
> [ ] Playing Jacosamba groove on ballad ..$150
> [ ] Attempting last word on final chord ..$50
> [ ] Achieving last word on final chord ..$100
> [ ] Long glissdown to final note ..$200
> 
> EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC
> [ ] Forgetting strap ..$10
> [ ] Changing strings after every set ..$15
> [ ] Using electric tuner ..$15
> [ ] Setting up mic"just in case" ..$75
> [ ] Forgetting to turn amp on ..$40
> [ ] Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip ..$50
> [ ] Asking horn player for help moving amp ..$25
> [ ] Bringing custom-made bass ..$100 per string above 4
> [ ] Bringing more than 1 bass ..$100 per extra bass
> [ ] Skull decals on bass ..$150
> [ ] Bringing fretless bass ..$500
> CRIMINAL BAD TASTE
> [ ] Telling bone player about all the gigs you get ..$10
> [ ] Asking bone player about their day gig ..$10
> [ ] Sitting behind drums on break ..$10
> [ ] Quoting "Birdland" ..$25
> [ ] Practicing scales during break ..$25
> [ ] Practicing scales during drum solo ..$50
> [ ] Practicing ..$150
> [ ] Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..." ..$50
> [ ] Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are
> "into sequencing" ..$100
> 
> BASIC STUPIDITY
> [ ] Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt ..$10
> [ ] Wearing new Whitesnaketour shirt ..$20
> [ ] Asking when the rock set starts ..$20
> [ ] Continually asking "where are we?" ..$25
> [ ] Continually shouting "Yeah!" ..$25
> [ ] Asking bone player where "1" is ..$50
> [ ] Taking cell phone call during 4's ..$100
> 
> TRUMPET CITATIONS, INFRACTIONS
> NAME OF OFFENDER_____________
> INFRACTION DATE _____________
> 
> MUSICAL OFFENSES:
> [ ] Playing highest note possible in warm- up-$100
> [ ] Sound-checking micwith obnoxious jazz licks-$15
> [ ] Raising hand after mistake-$15
> [ ] Practicing multiple tongueingnot called for on gig-$15
> [ ] Blacking out after high note-$20
> [ ] Obnoxiously show-offywarm-up-$25
> [ ] Taking tuning note up an octave-$25
> [ ] Vibrato on unison passage-$50
> [ ] Failure to use 3rd valve slide-$50
> [ ] Playing B-flat when band tunes to A-$75
> [ ] Being told by conductor to play louder-$400
> [ ] Failure to swing-$1000
> 
> LEAD PLAYERS:
> [ ] Changing mouthpieces mid-song-$15
> [ ] Faking section into early entrance-$10
> [ ] Faking self into early entrances-$50
> [ ] Missing high lick, then mentioning previous gig(s)-$25
> [ ] Asking conductor if it's OK to take a lick up-$25
> [ ] Asking conductor if it's OK to take a lick down-$400
> [ ] Taking a lick down that you took up in rehearsal-$100
> [ ] Missing last note of "In the Mood"-$200
> 
> SECTION/NON-LEAD PLAYERS:
> [ ] Missing entrance when lead drops out-$15
> [ ] Pointing out to the lead that guy on the record took that last lick
> up -$20
> [ ] Attempting unassigned lick biffed by lead-$50
> [ ] Asking lead what mouthpiece he uses-$75
> [ ] Hanging over past lead on last chord-$100
> [ ] Attempting to out-screech lead on last chord-$100
> [ ] Successfully out-screeching lead at any time-$500
> 
> EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS:
> [ ] Playing with screw on rim-$10
> [ ] Polishing horn on stage-$15
> [ ] Dropping mute-$10
> [ ] Dropping horn-Repairs + $20
> [ ] Dropping Dead-Warning
> [ ] Forgetting pencil-$20
> [ ] Forgetting Mute(s)-Each $50
> [ ] Forgetting Bow-Tie or socks-$30
> [ ] Forgetting Mouthpiece- $30
> [ ] Forgetting Mags-$100
> [ ] Blaming mistake on sticky valves-$25
> [ ] Getting marble or similar object stuck down bell-$750
> 
> CRIMINAL BAD TASTE:
> [ ] Having nicest gig-bag in section-$10
> [ ] Talking about the great deal you got on a new horn-$10
> [ ] Hawking old horn on Bandstand-$10
> [ ] Quoting Herb Alpert or MangioneSong-$250
> [ ] Farting on bandstand-$25
> [ ] Defecating on bandstand-$75
> [ ] Practicing legit style on swing gig- $35
> [ ] Discussing how plentiful gigs were in the old days-$50
> [ ] Beginning a sentence with "when I played for Kenton"-$50
> [ ] Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you also
> play Keyboards-$100
> 
> BASIC STUPIDITY
> [ ] Wearing old MF tour shirt-$15
> [ ] Wearing new MF tour shirt-$25
> [ ] Playing on a Jet-tone mouthpiece-$20
> [ ] Continually asking "where are we?"-$25
> [ ] Drunkenness on stage-$25
> [ ] Stonedness on stage-$50
> [ ] Sobriety on stage-$75
> [ ] Pretending to be friends with a bone player-$50
> [ ] Actually being friends with a bone player-$200
> [ ] Dating a bone player- $7500
> [ ] Loaning money to bone player-4x amount loaned
> [ ] Sitting next to conductor at meals-$100
> 
> 
> 
> 
> --End--
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
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