[Dixielandjazz] Bud Shank's last thoughts?

[Stephen G Barbone]

Linda Shank, Bud's widow, made the below public. A month after his  
death, she found the below, handwritten on a few pieces of paper. She  
thinks they were written about a week before he passed. They are  
unedited.

HOW I AM FACING THE CODA - OR AM I

by Bud Shank

Several times during my life I’ve tried to detatch my thought  
processes from my body so I could take a good
probing look at what I am, who I am, why I am.  Some have been  
interesting, eye-opening - some have been not-so-good.  My latest  
foray into Bud’s head occurred recently.  So, what did I find there?   
An 82 year old guy who plays the saxophone.  Who else would I find in  
there?  In 1936 my first recital - playing the clarinet with piano  
accompanist - was at Memorial Hall in Dayton Ohio at the age of ten.   
I arrived at the concert on the end of a leash designed and handled by  
my mother.  I had the terrible habit of following people - anybody -  
down the sidewalk.  Wherever they were going I wanted to go, also.  
Maybe I thought that the piano accompanist - down the street - was  
going to be better than the one I was to play with. (Already looking  
for the magic rhythm section.)  Leash solved that problem.  The last,  
most recent performance (71 years later in 2008) was in Los Angeles, a  
three-day event produced by Ken Poston (Los Angeles Jazz Institute).   
I played with and con- ducted two big band concerts, one septet  
concert, and one quintet concert, all preceded by rehearsals.  I  
arrived in a wheel chair!  And left by the same device.  No leash  
required.

And here I am heading for the coda.  Da capo - Al coda !!  I’ve seen  
Da capo - and I liked it.  But I’ve never had to visit the coda - end  
- fine’.  Three days before I was to leave for the LA concerts, my  
team of doctors (there are six of them) were saying “No!  He’ll kill  
himself if he does all those concerts plus travel time”.  However,  
this just brings us to the coda.

((The following passage was lightly scratched out, but I include it  
anyway.  Linda Shank))
I open the door and what do I see?  The same 82 year old saxophone  
player who is still asking the same questions, but in the past tense.   
What was I?  Who was I?  Why was I?  But, wait a minute!!  Maybe I’m  
not finished.  Maybe these should still be in the present tense.  Do I  
sit back and rest on my laurels?  Me? No way.  Besides, resting on  
laurels makes you itch!!

The first thing I looked for was - where was I?  Ah, yes I see a sign  
down the path that says fine’.  I am face to face with the “Reaper”.   
Not much time left. My doctors just told me for the 10th time - “No  
more flying - except the one where you are accompanied by “the  
Reaper”.  That translates to no more concerts, no more jazz clubs, no  
more European tours, no more nothing - my career is over.  But I could  
drive?  “No, you won’t - driving is also forbidden”. So, no more  
career - and no more hobby (cars).  Thank God I still have my family -  
my wife Linda and our three dogs.  If it weren’t for them I’d take a  
cab straight to the Reaper’s door.  But wait!!  Maybe there’s more  
here.  I still have my  horn.  In face I have 4 of them - same make,  
same year, almost identical. I also still have my piano - can’t play  
it very well - but it sure helps when attempting to compose new  
material.  Also, someone just called me about doing a concert here in  
Tucson where we now live.** Don’t have to worry about airplanes to do  
that!!!  Maybe there’s more here than I thought.  I could write more  
songs with Linda’s lyrics.  I could practice the piano - got a lot of  
room for improvement there.  I could possibly write more essays like  
this (if I don’t wait too long) !!  I could also just relax and read a  
lot of books (which I have neglected to do) and reflect on my life -  
which except for a few dumb decisions has really been good.

Most of you that are reading this know “who I am”.  I’m still  
searching for “what I am”.  And “why I am” is easy.  “Why am I”  
writing this?  I will not only help myself - but other people who have  
to face the same situation.  So far, I have improved my assessment of  
this mess by walking up the the Reaper and going “B-B-B-R-R-R-R-A-A-K- 
K” right in his face.