[Dixielandjazz] Trombones at risk!!

[dingle at baldwin-net.com]

Bob Romans wrote:

>I KNEW it would come to this!
>
>br
>
>WASHINGTON, D.C.- Each year thousands are people are killed, maimed
>
>or annoyed by trombones. The statistics of head, neck and even shoulder
>
>injuries sustained by reed players, french horn and string sections
>
>seated within reach of the deadly seventh position are truly
>
>shocking...not
>
>to mention forced early retirement due to ever-increasing hearing
>
>problems
>
>reported by classical musicians of all types who are forced to play the
>
>music of Wagner, Mahler and Brahms, as well as the hundreds of alumni
>
>of the Herman, Ferguson and Kenton bands and devotees of Kid Ory, Jack
>
>Teagarden, Abe Lincoln Jim Robinson and Lee Gifford.
>
>There is current legislation pending in Congress to restrict the sale of
>
>trombones and equip them with child-safety devices. The influential
>
>trombone lobby is, of course, opposed to this. There have even been
>
>several
>
>proposals for requiring a so-called "trigger lock" on all bass
>
>trombones!
>
>Every year there are reports of hundreds of innocent children,
>
>attracted by
>
>the shiny brass and smooth, seductive curves of an unattended
>
>instrument on a stand in the corner of a room or in an unlocked case who
>
>are traumatized for life by the attempts of a playmate to get a sound
>
>out of it, or who may suffer a collapsed lung or the effects of
>
>hyperventilation by trying the same effort themselves! The owner's
>
>feeble "I didn't know the slide was unlocked" is no excuse! Trombones
>
>should be stored out of reach of
>
>children. Efforts to enact a mandatory 10-day waiting period to
>
>purchase a trombone which would simply allow a reasonable period of
>
>time for law
>
>enforcement officials to cross-check the purchaser's name against an
>
>International list of registered trombone offenders and Slide-O-Mix
>
>addicts, have been repeatedly thwarted by the powerful
>
>Conn-Selmer-Yamaha (CSY) lobby. Law enforcement officials are
>
>particularly alarmed over the increase in crimes involving use of the
>
>"sawed-off" trombone or "sackbut." Legislation
>
>is also pending in several progressive states, including New York and
>
>California, to make carrying a concealed alto trombone a Class A felony!
>
>Some Governors feel that there are sufficient laws already on the books
>
>that simply need stricter enforcement - such as the 1932 nation-wide
>
>ban of screw-on bells, the indiscriminate use of Pond's Cold Cream or KY
>
>Jelly and
>
>unsupervised emptying of spit valves on public property. This filthy,
>
>unsanitary habit which will help spread the flu this year. One popular
>
>response to the spread of delinquent behavior is the imposition of
>
>mandatory longer sentences for those using a trombone while committing a
>
>crime ("Use
>
>a trombone - Go to jail"). Surveillance video tapes have proven
>
>especially
>
>effective in identifying violators of this statute because career
>
>criminals
>
>have often tried to avoid convictions by having their lawyers insist
>
>that what eye-witnesses reported as a trombone was really only an AK-47
>
>or other legal assaul weapon. Strict enforcement has been especially
>
>effective when used in conjunction with the new "Three sharps, you're
>
>out" statutes that have already been approved by many state
>
>legislatures.
>
>
>
>Of course the automatic and semi-automatic valved models - both piston and the middle-European rotary, are much more dangerous than the traditional single valve trombone. Interpol has also reported the sudden
>
>appearance of of rear-blasting Cavalry models that were thought to have
>
>been completely eliminated during the Great Confiscation mandated by the
>
>1918 Treaty of Versailles signed by representatives of every civilized
>
>country of the period. You may recall that those instruments were melted
>
>down and became an integral part of the Trans-Atlantic Telephone Cable
>
>that helped to unite America and Europe. It is believed that the new
>
>source of these WMD's are isolated factories in rural areas of China.
>
>The awesome destructive power of the double trigger bass trombone could
>
>never have been imagined by the founding fathers when they granted us
>
>the right to keep and bear arms.
>
>Remember:
>
>When trombones are outlawed,
>
>only outlaws will play
>
>"I'm Gettin'Sentimental Over You."
>
>
>
>Warm regards,
>Bob Romans
>Cell Block 7 Jazz Band
>1617 Lakeshore Dr.
>Lodi, Ca. 95242
>209-339-4676
>www.cellblockseven2002.net
>Cell 209-747-1148
>Because I play trumpet, I envy no one.
>""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
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>http://ml.islandnet.com/mailman/listinfo/dixielandjazz
>
>  
>
Dear Sound Police:
Aha, I see your demented nannyisms  have now included the valved 
trombone. Well, now the bearer of such news must pay the penalty.
We know where you live, and if you try to make any move to ban trombones 
-- especially the more deadly valved trombone -- you will pay dearly.
We will play to your wife, to your mother and father, your children and 
your close associates. No pleas for mercy will be find relief.
If you choose to continue down this path of Big Brother musical 
dictatorship, expect to find retaliation swift and unrelenting.
If the direct hit of sound waves from  standard or valve trombone does 
not have you writhing in pain, bleeding fromt bhe eardrums, and
waving the white flag, we will send our ultimate weapon of  mass 
destruction - Jim Maihack blowing a triple FFF FONK!
Back off or be blown away.
The League of Phantom Sackbuttists
(Because we play trombone we fear no trumpet players, either!).