[Dixielandjazz] Trombones at risk!!

[Bob Romans]

I KNEW it would come to this!

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WASHINGTON, D.C.- Each year thousands are people are killed, maimed

or annoyed by trombones. The statistics of head, neck and even shoulder

injuries sustained by reed players, french horn and string sections

seated within reach of the deadly seventh position are truly

shocking...not

to mention forced early retirement due to ever-increasing hearing

problems

reported by classical musicians of all types who are forced to play the

music of Wagner, Mahler and Brahms, as well as the hundreds of alumni

of the Herman, Ferguson and Kenton bands and devotees of Kid Ory, Jack

Teagarden, Abe Lincoln Jim Robinson and Lee Gifford.

There is current legislation pending in Congress to restrict the sale of

trombones and equip them with child-safety devices. The influential

trombone lobby is, of course, opposed to this. There have even been

several

proposals for requiring a so-called "trigger lock" on all bass

trombones!

Every year there are reports of hundreds of innocent children,

attracted by

the shiny brass and smooth, seductive curves of an unattended

instrument on a stand in the corner of a room or in an unlocked case who

are traumatized for life by the attempts of a playmate to get a sound

out of it, or who may suffer a collapsed lung or the effects of

hyperventilation by trying the same effort themselves! The owner's

feeble "I didn't know the slide was unlocked" is no excuse! Trombones

should be stored out of reach of

children. Efforts to enact a mandatory 10-day waiting period to

purchase a trombone which would simply allow a reasonable period of

time for law

enforcement officials to cross-check the purchaser's name against an

International list of registered trombone offenders and Slide-O-Mix

addicts, have been repeatedly thwarted by the powerful

Conn-Selmer-Yamaha (CSY) lobby. Law enforcement officials are

particularly alarmed over the increase in crimes involving use of the

"sawed-off" trombone or "sackbut." Legislation

is also pending in several progressive states, including New York and

California, to make carrying a concealed alto trombone a Class A felony!

Some Governors feel that there are sufficient laws already on the books

that simply need stricter enforcement - such as the 1932 nation-wide

ban of screw-on bells, the indiscriminate use of Pond's Cold Cream or KY

Jelly and

unsupervised emptying of spit valves on public property. This filthy,

unsanitary habit which will help spread the flu this year. One popular

response to the spread of delinquent behavior is the imposition of

mandatory longer sentences for those using a trombone while committing a

crime ("Use

a trombone - Go to jail"). Surveillance video tapes have proven

especially

effective in identifying violators of this statute because career

criminals

have often tried to avoid convictions by having their lawyers insist

that what eye-witnesses reported as a trombone was really only an AK-47

or other legal assaul weapon. Strict enforcement has been especially

effective when used in conjunction with the new "Three sharps, you're

out" statutes that have already been approved by many state

legislatures.



Of course the automatic and semi-automatic valved models - both piston and the middle-European rotary, are much more dangerous than the traditional single valve trombone. Interpol has also reported the sudden

appearance of of rear-blasting Cavalry models that were thought to have

been completely eliminated during the Great Confiscation mandated by the

1918 Treaty of Versailles signed by representatives of every civilized

country of the period. You may recall that those instruments were melted

down and became an integral part of the Trans-Atlantic Telephone Cable

that helped to unite America and Europe. It is believed that the new

source of these WMD's are isolated factories in rural areas of China.

The awesome destructive power of the double trigger bass trombone could

never have been imagined by the founding fathers when they granted us

the right to keep and bear arms.

Remember:

When trombones are outlawed,

only outlaws will play

"I'm Gettin'Sentimental Over You."



Warm regards,
Bob Romans
Cell Block 7 Jazz Band
1617 Lakeshore Dr.
Lodi, Ca. 95242
209-339-4676
www.cellblockseven2002.net
Cell 209-747-1148
Because I play trumpet, I envy no one.
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