[Dixielandjazz] FW: Comments by the retired conductor of the New Hampshire Symphony

[Charlie Hooks]

   This is what we missed by playing OKOM instead of orchestral music.  For
those of us who play both, it should ring some bells.  I thought I had
played for this conductor in Waco, Texas, years ago.  But then I realized,
he's been all over.

   And we thought Buddy Rich had a tongue on him!

Charlie


> > LINES FROM THE RETIRED CONDUCTOR OF THE NEW HAMPSHIRE SYMPHONY
> >
> >
> > I try not to look, because then I see.
> >
> > Terrible rhythmic training. Why don't you kill all your teachers and get
> > your money back?
> >
> > It's eleganza--you sound like Woolworth's.
> >
> > Under no circumstances should anyone look at me here.
> >
> > For that, they have milking machines.
> >
> > If you won't watch, I won't listen.
> >
> > I'll try to spit equally in both directions so everyone will know where
we
> > are.
> >
> > Play in a kind of Friday-matinee style.
> >
> > Look artistic when you play that.
> >
> > It's very important to play your phrase the way it is.
> >
> > Try and simulate non-sight-reading.
> >
> > The horn is still unwinding his entrails there.
> >
> > Please don't use the depth-charge pizzicato.
> >
> > I know you're all very well brought up, but don't show it.
> >
> > (On La Valse) If Parsifal could waltz, this would be it.
> >
> > (To cellos) You sound like your fingers are doing the walking through
> > the Yellow Pages.
> >
> > Play short, especially if you don't know where you are.
> >
> > Violins, don't play like such pigs.
> >
> > It says accelerando. It's not like falling down stairs.
> >
> > Play that for your dogs and cats. When they stop howling, you've got
> > itright.
> >
> > It doesn't need to be good, it just needs to be loud.
> >
> > You should play a soft forte.
> >
> > It sounds like you're being goosed there, which isn't the idea of a real
> > orgy.
> >
> > If that happens, don't laugh.
> >
> > We're starting at bar three. Even those of you with all your fingers cut
> off
> > can find it.
> >
> > There is a lot of fishing for notes. I wish you would catch them.
> >
> > Play as if you were musicians.
> >
> > Look busy at the beginning.
> >
> > It sounds like an Italian Strawberry Festival.
> >
> > Try not to sound like Segovia.
> >
> > Play faster. It's getting late.
> >
> > Basses, you're too fucking loud.
> >
> > If you can't play the notes, play the accents.
> >
> > It sounds like killer bees on the loose.
> >
> > The downbeat has to be up.
> >
> > You all sound like a Walgreen's Drug Store. I'll have a cherry frappe.
> >
> > Imagine that you know what I'm going to do.
> >
> > It must be very soft. Play as if you're lost.
> >
> > It's sort of yo-ho-ho, a little bit.
> >
> > Violas, let your true piggish sides come out.
> >
> > The piece is all based on harmony, so we have to hit the right notes.
> >
> > Horns, imagine that you've had a really ugly breakfast and it's about to
> > come up.
> >
> > Triangle, not so much in the loud section. Don't join in on the fun.
> >
> > (In Beethoven's 6th) My God, it's a brook, not the ocean. I'm getting
> > seasick.
> >
> > Strings, I know what you're thinking: 'With all this racket going on,
why
> am
> > I playing?' Well, there's no time for existential questions right now.
> >
> > Above all, don't look worried.
> >
> > It's a little bit note-sniffing right now.
> >
> > It sounds as if you're all doing your income taxes.
> >
> > Listen to the tune, and then accompany it in a non-disgraceful fashion.
> >
> > You sound as if you hate music.
> >
> > Look like you're playing long after you've given up.
> >
> > I may do something artistic there, which means I'm going to drag.
> >
> > Violins, don't try to play the accents, just try to get through the part
> > without dropping your bows.
> >
> > Imagine you're getting enough money for what you do.
> >
> > (In Pathetique first mvt.) It sounds like everybody has already
committed
> > suicide.
> >
> > Definitely third-world.
> >
> > Strings, vibrate; you sound like storm troopers.
> >
> > Your tone sounds like the weather outside. 64.
> >
> > It's half-good.
> >
> > Win the war with the violas.
> >
> > Trumpets, you're honorary violas.
> >
> > Not so bright. It sounds like 'Orpheus in His Underwear'
> >
> > Don't make those chicken sounds before the beat.
> >
> > I'll try not to make the really distracting twitch before your
> Bdouble-flat.
> >
> > Sounds like something you read in the Enquirer.
> >
> > Pianissimo means 'Drop the fuck out.'
> >
> > Let's see if you can pizzicato together in a non-banjo way.
> >
> > It's very hard to raise money for something that sounds like that.
> >
> > It's a place you can fake, but fake softer.
> >
> > When I make the really big twitch, then play.
> >
> > Let's pretend we played that right and go to letter A.
> >
> > It's not going to be a nice tempo, whatever it is.
> >
> > It's no use telling the violas, they won't do it anyway.
> >
> > That's a laser sound, a killer trill.
> >
> > This must be much more agitated. Think of someone you hate. Think of
your
> > mother.
> >
> > You know, there's a fine line between artistry and shit. Not that what
> > you're doing is shit, but it's close to it.
> >
> > That was a drive-by viola solo.
> >
> > Don't be so sensitive.
> >
> > Try and get the non-torpedo-boat sound.
> >
> > The place where you will be shot if you come in early is the bar before
> 26.
> >
> > Don't express your hatred for your parents there.
> >
> > You'd kill your students for doing that, so don't do it yourself.
> >
> > The downbeat's the downbeat.
> >
> > Imagine you have tone.
> >
> > I'm not doing much at the beginning of the measure, but I'm going to
beat
> it
> > and get very excited.
> >
> > You sound like Palestinians throwing rocks.
> >
> > Try vibrato in case you don't make the D-sharp.
> >
> > Now forget all the nasty things I said and play naturally.
> >
> > Pretend you took the parts home and practiced them.
> >
> > I'm going to be very flexible, and that means you won't have a clue as
to
> > what's going to happen.
> >
> > Think of a nice sound, and then imitate your thought. If you can't think
> of
> > a nice sound, ask your neighbor.
> >
> > Why did you take up the violin if you don't want to play it?
> >
> > If you get desperate I'll even help you there.
> >
> > You're all wondering what speed it's going to go. Well, so am I.
> >
> > (To saxophonist in Lt. Kije) Sound like New Year's Eve.
> >
> > Play like you've had expensive lessons.
> >
> > (To basses) I will fire the next one I see using vibrato on a pizz.
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
>
>



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