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<TITLE>FW: Comments by the retired conductor of the New Hampshire Symphony</TITLE>
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This is what we missed by playing OKOM instead of orchestral music. For those of us who play both, it should ring some bells. I thought I had played for this conductor in Waco, Texas, years ago. But then I realized, he's been all over. <BR>
<BR>
And we thought Buddy Rich had a tongue on him!<BR>
<BR>
Charlie<BR>
<BR>
<TT><BR>
> > LINES FROM THE RETIRED CONDUCTOR OF THE NEW HAMPSHIRE SYMPHONY<BR>
> ><BR>
> ><BR>
> > I try not to look, because then I see.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Terrible rhythmic training. Why don't you kill all your teachers and get<BR>
> > your money back?<BR>
> ><BR>
> > It's eleganza--you sound like Woolworth's.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Under no circumstances should anyone look at me here.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > For that, they have milking machines.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > If you won't watch, I won't listen.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > I'll try to spit equally in both directions so everyone will know where<BR>
we<BR>
> > are.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Play in a kind of Friday-matinee style.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Look artistic when you play that.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > It's very important to play your phrase the way it is.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Try and simulate non-sight-reading.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > The horn is still unwinding his entrails there.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Please don't use the depth-charge pizzicato.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > I know you're all very well brought up, but don't show it.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > (On La Valse) If Parsifal could waltz, this would be it.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > (To cellos) You sound like your fingers are doing the walking through<BR>
> > the Yellow Pages.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Play short, especially if you don't know where you are.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Violins, don't play like such pigs.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > It says accelerando. It's not like falling down stairs.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Play that for your dogs and cats. When they stop howling, you've got<BR>
> > itright.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > It doesn't need to be good, it just needs to be loud.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > You should play a soft forte.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > It sounds like you're being goosed there, which isn't the idea of a real<BR>
> > orgy.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > If that happens, don't laugh.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > We're starting at bar three. Even those of you with all your fingers cut<BR>
> off<BR>
> > can find it.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > There is a lot of fishing for notes. I wish you would catch them.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Play as if you were musicians.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Look busy at the beginning.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > It sounds like an Italian Strawberry Festival.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Try not to sound like Segovia.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Play faster. It's getting late.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Basses, you're too fucking loud.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > If you can't play the notes, play the accents.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > It sounds like killer bees on the loose.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > The downbeat has to be up.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > You all sound like a Walgreen's Drug Store. I'll have a cherry frappe.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Imagine that you know what I'm going to do.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > It must be very soft. Play as if you're lost.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > It's sort of yo-ho-ho, a little bit.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Violas, let your true piggish sides come out.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > The piece is all based on harmony, so we have to hit the right notes.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Horns, imagine that you've had a really ugly breakfast and it's about to<BR>
> > come up.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Triangle, not so much in the loud section. Don't join in on the fun.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > (In Beethoven's 6th) My God, it's a brook, not the ocean. I'm getting<BR>
> > seasick.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Strings, I know what you're thinking: 'With all this racket going on,<BR>
why<BR>
> am<BR>
> > I playing?' Well, there's no time for existential questions right now.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Above all, don't look worried.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > It's a little bit note-sniffing right now.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > It sounds as if you're all doing your income taxes.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Listen to the tune, and then accompany it in a non-disgraceful fashion.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > You sound as if you hate music.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Look like you're playing long after you've given up.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > I may do something artistic there, which means I'm going to drag.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Violins, don't try to play the accents, just try to get through the part<BR>
> > without dropping your bows.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Imagine you're getting enough money for what you do.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > (In Pathetique first mvt.) It sounds like everybody has already<BR>
committed<BR>
> > suicide.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Definitely third-world.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Strings, vibrate; you sound like storm troopers.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Your tone sounds like the weather outside. 64.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > It's half-good.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Win the war with the violas.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Trumpets, you're honorary violas.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Not so bright. It sounds like 'Orpheus in His Underwear'<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Don't make those chicken sounds before the beat.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > I'll try not to make the really distracting twitch before your<BR>
> Bdouble-flat.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Sounds like something you read in the Enquirer.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Pianissimo means 'Drop the fuck out.'<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Let's see if you can pizzicato together in a non-banjo way.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > It's very hard to raise money for something that sounds like that.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > It's a place you can fake, but fake softer.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > When I make the really big twitch, then play.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Let's pretend we played that right and go to letter A.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > It's not going to be a nice tempo, whatever it is.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > It's no use telling the violas, they won't do it anyway.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > That's a laser sound, a killer trill.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > This must be much more agitated. Think of someone you hate. Think of<BR>
your<BR>
> > mother.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > You know, there's a fine line between artistry and shit. Not that what<BR>
> > you're doing is shit, but it's close to it.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > That was a drive-by viola solo.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Don't be so sensitive.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Try and get the non-torpedo-boat sound.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > The place where you will be shot if you come in early is the bar before<BR>
> 26.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Don't express your hatred for your parents there.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > You'd kill your students for doing that, so don't do it yourself.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > The downbeat's the downbeat.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Imagine you have tone.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > I'm not doing much at the beginning of the measure, but I'm going to<BR>
beat<BR>
> it<BR>
> > and get very excited.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > You sound like Palestinians throwing rocks.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Try vibrato in case you don't make the D-sharp.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Now forget all the nasty things I said and play naturally.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Pretend you took the parts home and practiced them.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > I'm going to be very flexible, and that means you won't have a clue as<BR>
to<BR>
> > what's going to happen.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Think of a nice sound, and then imitate your thought. If you can't think<BR>
> of<BR>
> > a nice sound, ask your neighbor.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Why did you take up the violin if you don't want to play it?<BR>
> ><BR>
> > If you get desperate I'll even help you there.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > You're all wondering what speed it's going to go. Well, so am I.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > (To saxophonist in Lt. Kije) Sound like New Year's Eve.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > Play like you've had expensive lessons.<BR>
> ><BR>
> > (To basses) I will fire the next one I see using vibrato on a pizz.<BR>
> ><BR>
> ><BR>
> ><BR>
> ><BR>
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