[Dixielandjazz] Jazz Humor

Wed, 9 Oct 2002 09:36:15 -0500

=46olks--
    Found a site with jazz humor:
http://jazzinstituteofchicago.org/index.asp?target=3D/jazzgram/humor.asp

Here's one list i like, with some new ones (i'm a tuba-player, so i figure=
 some of these are possible offenses for me also).  They brightened my day,=
 as it always does when i can imagine other people screwing up worse than=
 me.    Dan
----------
Bass player offenses/fines list, forwarded by Bill O'Connell-Chicago=
 Skyliners Big Band 

Name of offender _____________________________
Date of offense(s) _____ / _____ / _______

Musical offenses
-------------------------------------------------
Playing loudly during warm up - $10 
Sound-checking amp with funk slapping - $25 
Loud cursing after mistake - $10 
Playing high and fast after mistake - $20 
Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes - $20 
Asking for "E" tuning note - $25 
Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb - $50 
Playing written-out walking line - $50 
=46ailure to play written walking line - $75 
Writing note names over ledger-line notes - $50 
Writing beat numbers under dotted figures - $50 
Playing eighth notes - $5 each 
Playing sixteenth notes - $10 each 
Playing above 1st octave-immediate dismissal 
Dragging fast tempo - $75 
Dragging ballad tempo - $100 
Blacking out during ballad - $200 
Ignoring drummer's tempo - $100 
=46ollowing drummer's tempo - $250 
Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me - $1000

Upright player offenses
-------------------------------------------------------------
Showing up before first downbeat - $25 
Playing audibly - $25 
=46aking changes - $25 
Slapping - $150 
Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass - $25 
Excessive sweating - $25 
Pedal point double-stops during horn solo - $50 
Asking leader for a solo - $30 
Accepting solo when offered - $50 
Taking second chorus - $100 
Playing solo arco - $400 
Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune - $25 
Playing "A Train" ending on every tune - $200 
Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune - $500 

Electric player offenses
-------------------------------------------------------------
Checking hair between tunes - $15 
Experimenting with odd meters - $25 
Missing root at end of blistering fill - $25 
Playing with a pick - $50 
Tuning during ballad - $30 
Playing Jaco groove on samba - $75 
Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad - $150 
Attempting last word on final chord - $50 
Achieving last word on final chord - $100 
Long gliss down to final note - $200

Equipment violations-electric
--------------------------------------------------------------
=46orgetting strap - $10 
Changing strings after every set - $15 
Using electric tuner - $15 
Setting up mic "just in case" - $75 
=46orgetting to turn amp on - $40 
Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip - $50 
Asking horn player for help moving amp - $25 
Bringing custom-made bass - $100 per string above 4 
Bringing more than 1 bass - $100 per extra bass 
Skull decals on bass - $150 
Bringing fretless bass - $500

Criminal bad taste
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Telling bone player about all the gigs you get - $10 
Asking bone player about their day gig - $10 
Sitting behind drums on break - $10 
Quoting "Birdland" - $25 
Practicing scales during break - $25 
Practicing scales during drum solo - $50 
Practicing - $150 
Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player" - $50 
Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into=
 sequencing" - $100

Basic stupidity
---------------------------------------------
Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt - $10 
Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt - $20 
Asking when the rock set starts - $20 
Continually asking "where are we?" - $25 
Continually shouting "Yeah!" - $25 
Asking bone player where "1" is - $50 
Taking cellphone call during 4's - $100