[Dixielandjazz] Jazz Humor

[hayduke]

Here's a little humor for the members. It's a follow-up on a post and  
long string of responses from last December...the Nigerian Jazz Scam.  
Hope you enjoy, JH.


   My Dear American Friends, this is your friend Prince Ndugood of  
Nigeria writing to thank you for your many appreciations of my emails  
and your much kind words. I am overjoyed with gladness to bring you  
the news that I have been invited to your country for a celebration of  
jazz and world music at the Obama White House. My village's touring  
band, Dark Incontinent, will be playing the jazz of music for your new  
president. The band is also learning the American traditional song  
"Hell To The Chief" , to play for the president. (I had thought that  
Mr. Obama was merely your president, but apparently he is a chief as  
well! What a truly great man!)
              I will be leaving soon for your country. I am still  
filling out the secret service clearance form for jazz musicians (Q.  
Are you now or have you ever been a member of an organization the  
advocated the violent overthrow of diatonic harmony? Q. Have you  
visited the middle-east or played in the Phrygian mode during the past  
12 months. Q. Do you have a license to carry a concealed animal?).
              I hope that you will be able to attend the musical  
performance. The band will be playing many of the great presidential  
jazz tunes:

              --This Mass Parade (inauguration theme)
              --I Loves You Putin
              --Kim Jong il Wind
              --Ain't Misappropriatin'
              --Stars Fell Upon Obama
              --Impeachable You
              --(Senate) Confirmation
              --Goodbye Porkbarrel Hat
              --I Could Write A Bill
              --I Remember Clark Clifford
              --My Little Vote
              --Mr. P.C.
              --And a couple of Nigerian jazz standards: Nancy With  
the Hyena Face
                                                                                       Tse 
  Tse Bon
                                              (from the album As  
Victoria Falls, So Falls Victoria Falls).

             The band will also be performing special tunes for the  
President's cabinet members, such as:
             Secretary of Defense: Dear Old Stockpile
             Secretary of the Treasury: Mounting Greenery, When I Fall  
In Debt
             FBI Director: I've Got You Under Surveillance
             Budget Director: Just Squeeze Me
             Secretary of State (Hillary Clinton): Wedding Bill Blues
             EPA Director: How Deep Is the Ozone


            As you can see this will be a wonderful occasion. There is  
only one obstacle to my appearance at the ceremony. I will need to  
quickly raise $132,050 for my airfare. I am sorry to have to ask you  
for this money but I have been a victim of the recent worldwide  
financial plunge, particularly the collapse of the market for sub- 
saharan mortgages. I have also been foolishly generous with my  
contributions to Nigeria's "No Primate Left Behind" educational program.
But do not fear, your contributions will be rewarded by the Obama  
White House with benefits for the following contribution levels:

        $20,000-- You will be appointed Neuro-surgeon General.
        $15,000--You will be appointed Gastro-enterologist General.
        $10,000-- You will be appointed Coroner General.
        $9,000-- You will be appointed Surgeon Corporal.
        $8,000-- You will get to name the first family's next dog  
(names limited to former black US presidents and Motown singers).
        $1,000-- You will receive a presidential pardon for all video  
store late fees.
        $500-- You will have someone from NASA replace your amplifier  
tubes.
        $200-- You will have a brick with your name on it placed in a  
White House toilet tank.
        $100--You will have a US aircraft carrier deck skid mark named  
after you.
        $50-- One of the gibbons at the National Zoo will wear a  
trucker's hat with your name on it.
        $20-- Receive a set of Crayolas with all of the federal  
terrorist alert colors.

   Finally, all donors will receive a transcript of the actual secret  
service agents' sleeve-cuff microphone conversations from the Obama  
inauguration (Samples: "Give me more of the president in the  
monitor"..."roll off some of the high end"..."are we on overtime  
yet?"..."Quick! Get me a satellite-cam view. I think the First Fly is  
open").

             It is with the deepest sincerity that I express in  
advance my appreciation for your great kindness and credulity.  Your  
erstwhile Nigerian friend, Ndugood.