[Dixielandjazz] Fw: Jazz Musicians' Helpline...

[knittelsportland at juno.com]

Rick Knittel 


Jazz Musicians' Helpline 



Welcome to the JAZZ MUSICIANS' HELPLINE. Your call is important to us so
please use the following menu system to shorten your wait: 
If you are a bandleader wishing to know your opinion of yourself, press
1. 
If you are a tuba/sousaphone player in a 'classic' jazz band inquiring
which beats you will be expected to play on, press 1 and 3. 
If you are a drummer wanting to know on which beats to press your hi-hat
pedal, press 2 and 4 - regularly spaced if you can manage it. 
If you are a banjo player inquiring about how many strings to buy for a
complete re-stringing of your instrument, press 4. 
If you are old enough to remember Dave Brubeck press 5 then 4. 
If you are an agent wanting to know how much commission to charge, press
15. Or 20. Or 25. Or whatever number you fancy. 
If you want to know the REAL length in minutes of a jazz musician's
'15-minute break' enter any number in excess of 45. 
If you are at a cultural crossroads between jazz and rhythm & blues and
can't decide which Route to take, press 66. 
If you are over 60 and always forget to play the coda, press RECALL. 
If you wish to express your opinion of what your bandleader makes off gig
arrangements, press HASH. 
If you are a bebop tenor player press as many keys as fast as you can for
20 minutes or more or until the room is empty, whichever comes first. 
If you wish to check your retirement account, press 0.
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