[Dixielandjazz] Your Brain & Copyright Infringement

[Stephen G Barbone]

  RIAA Declares Using Brain to Remember Songs is Criminal Copyright  
Infringement
  by Mike Adams (naturalnews.com)

On the heels of the RIAA's recent decision to criminalize consumers  
who rip songs from albums they've purchased to their computers (or  
iPods), the association has now gone one step further and declared  
that 'remembering songs' using your brain is criminal copyright  
infringement. 'The brain is a recording device,' explained RIAA  
president Cary Sherman. 'The act of listening is an unauthorized act  
of copying music to that recording device, and the act of recalling or  
remembering a song is unauthorized playback.'

The RIAA also said it would begin sending letters to tens of millions  
of consumers thought to be illegally remembering songs, threatening  
them with lawsuits if they don't settle with the RIAA by paying  
monetary damages. 'We will aggressively pursue all copyright  
infringement in order to protect our industry,' said Sherman.

In order to avoid engaging in unauthorized copyright infringement,  
consumers will now be required to immediately forget everything  
they've just heard.  To aid in these memory wiping efforts, the RIAA  
is teaming up with Big Pharma to include free psychotropic  
prescription drugs with the purchase of new music albums. Consumers  
are advised to swallow the pills before listening to the music. The  
pills -- similar to the amphetamines now prescribed for ADHD -- block  
normal cognitive function, allowing consumers to enjoy the music in a  
more detached state without the risk of accidentally remembering any  
songs (and thereby violating copyright law).

Consumers caught humming their favorite songs will be charged with a  
more serious crime: The public performance of a copyrighted song, for  
which the fines can reach over $250,000 per incident. 'Humming,  
singing and whistling songs will not be tolerated,' said Sherman.  
'Only listening and forgetting songs is allowed.'

Consumers attempting to circumvent the RIAA's new memory-wiping  
technology by actually remembering songs will be charged with felony  
crimes under provisions of the DMCA (Digital Millenium Copyright Act).  
The Act, passed in 1998, makes it a felony crime to circumvent  
copyright protection technologies. The RIAA's position is that  
consumers who actually use their brains while listening to music are  
violating the DMCA. 'We would prefer that consumers stop using their  
brains altogether,' said Sherman.

With this decision, the RIAA now considers approximately 72% of the  
adult U.S. population to be criminals. Putting them all in prison for  
copyright infringement would cost U.S. taxpayers an estimated $683  
billion per year -- an amount that would have to be shouldered by the  
remaining 28% who are not imprisoned. The RIAA believes it could cover  
the $683 billion tab through royalties on music sales. The problem  
with that? The 28% remaining adults not in prison don't buy music  
albums. That means album sales would plummet to nearly zero, and the  
U.S. government (which is already deep in debt) would have to borrow  
money to pay for all the prisons. And where would the borrowed money  
come from? China, of course: The country where music albums are openly  
pirated and sold for monetary gain.

When asked whether he really wants 72% of the U.S. population to be  
imprisoned for ripping music CDs to their own brains, RIAA president  
Sherman shot back, 'You don't support criminal behavior do you? Every  
person who illegally remembers a song is a criminal. We can't have  
criminal running free on the streets of America. It's an issue of  
national security.'

NOTE: This is a satire report on the RIAA. That means it's written as  
fictional humor. It does not yet represent the actual position of the  
RIAA, although from the way things are going, the association may soon  
adopt it. Permission is granted to make copies of this story,  
redistribute it, post it and e-mail it as long as you do not actually  
remember it because copying to your brain is now strictly prohibited.  
Any attempts to circumvent the  memory-based copyright restrictions on  
this article will result in your brain  imploding, causing such an  
extreme loss of cognitive function that your only hope for any future  
career will be running for public office.