[Dixielandjazz] Musical Definitions --humor

[Norman Vickers]

Dear Listmates-

 

This set of musical definitions was forwarded to me by trombonist and jazz
writer Bob Cook of Moline, IL.  He's a member of the Catfish Jazz Society of
Moline and Bix Beiderbecke Memorial Society.  He makes contributions to both
these publications as well.  He says these are not original with him, but I
wanted to give him credit for making them available to us.  Am posting these
at the suggestion of our moderator Bob Ringwald.

 

Norman-don't kill the messenger-Vickers

Jazz Society of Pensacola

 

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ACCIDENTAL: A wrong note played by an arrogant and often confused musician
who cannot stand to be fallible.

 

APPLAUSE: The noise made by an audience (often at the wrong time) to express
a desire to end the performance and go home.

 

AUDIENCE: Audiences can be divided into two categories: Those who sleep with
their mouths open, and those who sleep with their mouths closed.

 

ENCORE: A nasty method by which performers get back at the audience for its
feigned appreciation in the form of applause. Audiences would be well
advised not to applaud at all, so that everyone can get home that much
sooner.

 

FLUTE: A sophisticated pea-shooter with a range of up to five hundred yards
and deadly accurate in close quarters.

 

FRENCH HORN: The French is actually German, and is not to be confused with
the English horn, which is French.

 

GRACE NOTE: Every once in a while, the solo instrumentalist will attempt an
interval, jumping from one note to another. In most instances, this is mere
guesswork..

 

MUSIC STAND: An intricate device for propping up music, except at crucial
times - such as during a performance. It comes in two sizes - too high or
too low.

 

MUSICIANS UNION: A powerful branch of the Mafia that controls the exorbitant
amounts of money paid to musicians, and also the number of coffee-breaks
permitted per hour.

 

A BAND: The result of musicians having discovered that there is safety in
numbers.

 

PERFORMANCE: The main reason for getting together of any number of
musicians, usually to perform a piece of music (ideally, all at the same
time.).

 

PRIMA DONNA: The word originates from the most important female role in an
opera. Later connotations are towards female country music singers. Derived
from an Italian phrase that may be roughly translated as "pain in the neck",
although some have a lower opinion.

 

PRODIGY: A person who shows tremendous musical talent at a very early age.
Those wishing to be considered prodigy material would be well advised to die
young, before it becomes apparent that they aren't going to get any better.

 

REST: A short period of relative silence in an individual part, useful for
turning pages, breathing, coughing, and so forth.

 

RHYTHM: A faculty in great demand and, unfortunately, very short supply
among those involved in music.

 

TONE CLUSTER: A kind of chordal orgy, a smorgasbord of musical tones. First
discovered by a very well-endowed lady pianist, while learning forward to
turn a page.

 

TUNER: The only device in which a steel guitar player can actually prove
that it is the guitar player who is out of tune, and not himself, who is
actually out of tune as well, if he has used an adjusted and compensated
tuning chart. This is an extremely useful tool that eliminates all
unnecessary verbiage and insures that no-one else in the band will ever talk
to you again.

 

MUSICAL SNOB: A person who pretends to know more about music than you
pretend to.

 

WRONG NOTES: It must be understood that this is a relative term, and applies
only to those examples performed by someone else.

 

BANJO HELL: Fifty banjo players gathered into one room, and not one thumb
pick..

                                    --End--