[Dixielandjazz] Bad Bill Is Back

[BILL HORTON]

  After a hiatus of several years, I’m back to give the DJML a try.  I see some of the same prolix people are out there, plus new ones who won’t know me.  For them, for over ten years I was editor of OffBeat, the monthly magazine of Pismo Beach’s Basin Street Regulars.  I followed K. O. Eckland in that position, which was sort of like following Mel Torme at a vocal concert!
   
  I just moved to Fort Collins and, sorting through a bunch of accumulated papers, I came across the September 1999 edition of OffBeat, which contained a column relating to the DJML, and I’ll lay it on you.
   
                      A MUSICAL CONTEST
    We’ve mentioned before the internet jazz mailing list (DJML), composed of tradjazz musicians and fans from all over the world.  We challenged them to change ONE letter in a musical term, name or song title, and give the new definition.  Wow, what a response we got, from New York to the Netherlands, from California to Australia!
   
    We started them off by suggesting that changing OffBeat to OffMeat would make us a vegetarian magazine, and they were off to the races—
   
  BLUE CONDO A LA TURK= a  painter’s been to Mr. Murphy’s pad.
  MOOR OVER MIAMI = moves to Florida and takes flying lessons.
  DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO MESS NEW ORLEANS = Louisiana litterbug.
  LOUISVILLE LOW = bummer day in Kentucky.
  BUGLE CALL RIG = the cord you hang your horn on.
  MUSKRAT RUMBLE = riot in the marshland.
  FRENCH PORN = seen in the Louvre.
  ENGLISH PORN = served with tea and strumpets.
  CASA LIMA STOMP = let’s go to the beanery.
  TIGER HAG = Tony’s old wife.
  TIGER FAG = Tony’s gay lifestyle.
  TIGER JAG = Tony’s new car.
  FAKE THE A TRAIN = pretend you’re a choochoo.
  TAKE THE B TRAIN = how not to get to Harlem.
  BEAT ME LADDY, 8 TO THE BAR = rhythmic celtic spousal abuse.
  BENNIES FROM HEAVEN = a junkie’s dream.
  OH CADDY = blues for a disappointed golfer.
  ALLIGATOR BRAWL = things getting rough down in the swamp
  IT MIGHT AS WELL BE STRING = when the brass & woodwinds don’t show up for the gig.
  12 BAT BLUES = “Woke up this mornin’ in a big pile of guano”
  LEONARD LEATHER = Noted jazz critic a bit on the kinky side.
  JELLY ROLL HORTON = OffBeat editor goes on a pastry diet.
  STABVITO = Knife a Mafioso.
  BUMMER TIME =  when the livin’ ain’t easy.
  SEXAPHONE = costly phone sex.
  ABUGGIN’ AND ACHALKIN’ = roach stomping in a pool room
  THE HOUSE OF THE RISING BUN = bakery in a bordello district.
  A BRAIN = as opposed to B brain.
  STARBUST = Madonna’s arrested.
  STIRDUST = the jail’s dirty.
  SPARDUST = haven’t used the sailboat lately.
  PUKE’S PLACE = where you go when you’ve drunk too much.
  I’LL SUE YOU IN MY DREAMS = lawyer’s lullaby.
  MY PEST GIRL = How do I get rid of her?
  NOSE ROOM = where you go for rhinoplasty.
  SACK THE KNIFE = fire the butcher.
  LODE FOR SALE = Wanta buy a mine?
  CELL CLOCK 7 = still trying to get the right time.
  TITAN NOT FIVE = Nashville group loses a member
  RAVE BRUBECK = pianist turns publicity man.
  LIVER COME BACK TO ME = alcoholic’s lament.
  NEW BLACK BAGEL JB = the band with a hole in the middle.
  BEALE STREET LAMA = Tibet meets New   Orleans.
  EATS WALLER = how the composer ot his more famous nickname.
  RHYTHM PASCALS = clap on 2exp1 and 2exp2.
  MILD MAN BLUES = ot a very exciting tune.
  PIGAN LOVE SONG = when the fat lady sings.
  UP A LAZY ROVER = goosing a vagabond.
  BASS SEX = fish lovemaking.
  SOPRANO SEX = with a chanteuse.
  I LOVE YOU BADLY =  I better take lessons.
  THONGS AIN’T WHAT THEY USED TO BE = My shoes keep falling apart.
  FRYING HOME = the cook’s house.
  DON’T GET GROUND MUCH ANY MORE = I’ve stopped drinking coffee.
                      ************
    I promised more in the next issue, but can’t find it.  Maybe some of the newer DJMLers would like to add some to the list?
   
  ---Bill Horton
  
 
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