[Dixielandjazz] How to Sing the Blues

[John Farrell]

A friend sent me the following this morning, in the interests of further
education I am forwarding it to the list. I'm so glad that I don't live in
Memphis.
John Farrell
http://homepages.tesco.net/~stridepiano/midifiles.htm

> HOW TO SING THE BLUES
>
> by Lame Mango Washington
> (attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky,
> revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin)
>
> 1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
>
> 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues,
> 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good
> woman,
> with the meanest face in town."
>
> 3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
> Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman -
> with the meanest face in town.
> Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."
>
> 4. The Blues are not about choice.
> You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
>
> 5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
> Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.
> Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
> Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.
> Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to
> die.
>
> 6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
> Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, " adulthood" means being old enough
> to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
>
> 7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in
> Canada.
> Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis,
> and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues.
> You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
>
> 8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues.
> A woman with male pattern baldness is.
> Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues.
> Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.
>
> 9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall.
> The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the
> dumpster.
>
> 10. Good places for the Blues:
>
> a. highway
> b. jailhouse
> c. empty bed
> d. bottom of a whiskey glass
>
> Bad places:
>
> a. Ashrams
> b. gallery openings
> c. Ivy League institutions
> d. golf courses
>
> 11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit,
> 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
>
> 12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
>
> a. you're older than dirt
> b. you're blind
> c. you shot a man in Memphis
> d. you can't be satisfied
>
> No, if:
>
> a. you have all your teeth
> b. you were once blind but now can see
> c. the man in Memphis lived.
> d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
>
> 13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.
> Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could.
> Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
>
> 14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
>
> Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
>
> a. wine
> b. whiskey or bourbon
> c. muddy water
> d. black coffee
>
> The following are NOT Blues beverages:
>
> a. mixed drinks
> b. kosher wine
> c. Snapple
> d. sparkling water
>
> 15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
> Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.
> So is the electric chair, substance abuse,
> and dying lonely on a broken down cot.
>
> You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or
> getting liposuction.
>
> 16. Some Blues names for women:
>
> a. Sadie
> b. Big Mama
> c. Bessie
> d. Fat River Dumpling
>
> 17. Some Blues names for men:
>
> a. Joe
> b. Willie
> c. Little Willie
> d. Big Willie
>
> 18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and
> Rainbow can't sing the Blues
> no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
>
> 19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
>
> a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
> b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
> c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
>
> For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.
>
> (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
>
> 20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer,
> you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it.
> Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. I don't care.
>
>
>
>