[Dixielandjazz] The Blues

[jobriant at sunrisetelecom.com]

A friend sent me this this morning, and I thought I'd share it...

Jim O'Briant
Tuba
Gilroy, CA


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THE BLUES

If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood
the whys and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you
stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with
the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the
meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in
town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch...ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars include Chevys, Fords, old Cadillacs and broken-down
trucks. Blues don't travel in no Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility
Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound
train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the
running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does
fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults
sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the
electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere
in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just
clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and
N'awlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have
the Blues in any place that don't get no rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breakin' yo leg 'cause you been skiing is not the
Blues. Breakin' yo leg 'cause a 'gator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting
is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues: 
	a. highway 
	b. jailhouse  
	c. empty bed 
	d. bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues: 
	a. Nordstrom's 
	b. gallery openings 
	c. Ivy League institutions 
	d. golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you
happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? 
Yes, if: 
	a. you're older than dirt 
	b. you're blind 
	c. you shot a man in Memphis 
	d. you can't be satisfied 
No, if: 
	a. you have all your teeth 
	b. you were once blind but now can see 
	c. the man in Memphis lived 
	d. you have a trust fund or a 401k

14. Blues is not a matter of race or color. It's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white
people also got a leg up on the Blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the
Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: 
	a. cheap wine 
	b. whiskey or bourbon 
	c. muddy water 
	d. black coffee 
The following are NOT Blues beverages: 
	a. Perrier 
	b. Chardonnay  
	c. Snapple 
	d. Slim Fast

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to
die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis
match or while getting liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women: 
	a. Sadie 
	b. Big Mama 
	c. Bessie 
	d. Fat River Dumpling

18. Some Blues names for men: 
	a. Joe 
	b. Willie 
	c. Little Willie 
	d. Big Willie

19. Women with names like Amber, Jennifer, or Heather, and men with
names like Todd, Alastair or Biff can't sing the Blues no matter how
many men they shoot in Memphis.

20. It doesn't matter how tragic your life is, if you own a computer,
you cannot sing the blues, period.  Sorry.