[Dixielandjazz] Clarinetist for Hire

[Dan Augustine]

Folks--
     Rebecca checked with Evan, and this IS a put-on.  I thought it 
was hilarious, so i sent it to a few people, some of whom thought it 
was for real.  It ain't.  So i'm hoping that Evan won't mind if i 
send it to the DJML.

     Dan
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Date: Wed, 14 Jun 2006 12:52:21 -0500
>From: "Rebecca Thompson" <rebecca.e.thompson at verizon.net>
>Subject: FW: FW: Clarinetist for Hire
>To: "'Dan Augustine'" <ds.augustine at mail.utexas.edu>
>
>This from Evan........
>
>
>From: Evan Christopher [mailto:evanc_music at hotmail.com]
>Sent: Wednesday, June 14, 2006 9:06 AM
>To: rebecca.e.thompson at verizon.net
>Subject: RE: FW: Clarinetist for Hire
>
>Yup, I remember that.  Wrote it half-kiddingly...Just for my friends 
>who might appreciate it.  I've been pretty lucky.  Except for the 
>sound reinforcement part, I've managed to avoid most of the 
>other nonsense.
>
>No, not based anywhere permanently.  Maybe I can return to New 
>Orleans in January to finish my MA at Tulane.  I don't know what to 
>say about the city.  It's very difficult to know what's best.
>
>Cheers,
>
>EVAN
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clarinetist For Hire.   Evan Christopher, musician

16+ years professional experience.  Specializing in serious 
presentations of pre-WWII traditions of clarinet performance 
including New Orleans Jazz, Brazilian Choro, and French West Indian 
Biguine.  Large repertoire of jazz standards.  Reading OK, Travel OK. 
Basic linguistic skills in French, German, and Italian.  No drugs, 
health problems, or dietary limitations.  Union member in good 
standing.  No social, political, or religious affiliations.  Doubles 
on alto or tenor saxophone negotialbe.  (I own a soprano, but in 
accordance with well-established codes of gentlemanly conduct, I do 
not play one.)

Please, do NOT respond to this message IF . . .

   1) your band, concert, or project name uses rhyme, alliteration, 
puns, animal names, or includes any of the following words or their 
variants: Swingers, Strutters, Stompers, Ramblers, Hot, Dixieland, 
Tribute, or Legacy.  [For example: Dixie Dogs of Des Moines, Hot 
Jumpin' Jazz Lizards, The Four-Skinny-Minnies Swing Band, 
Down-Home-Ragtimers Tribute to Wilbur Sweatman, etc.]  The use of 
"All-Stars" is negotiable provided some term sport or athletic 
activity is involved;

   2) your dress code or group's uniform includes ANY of the 
following: White pants or shoes, suspenders, matching golf shirts, 
matching blazers, or any type of hats.  Anything made of polyester is 
out of the question, and as a friend in the fashion industry says, 
"Denim is just never a good idea."  I also require assurance that the 
performance will not be within 50 yards of a garter, striped vest, 
bowler hat, straw boater, feather boa or anything with sequins;

   3) your rhythm section includes electric keyboard and/or bass 
guitar.  Washboard is negotiable in the proper context, although 
offhand I have no idea what that would be;

   4) you or any of your band members has a spouse or girlfriend who 
sings, purports to sing, or so much as threatens to sing;

   5) anyone involved in your proposed performance attempts a "scat" 
vocal or an impersonation of Louis Armstrong;

   6) more than half of the selections in a typical program consist of 
vocal numbers or are limited to the keys of Bb and F.  Gospel 
programs are an acceptable exception, but the singer better be 
goddamn brilliant;

   7) your program includes any of the following: note-for-note 
transcriptions, sing-alongs, or banjo features.  Furthermore, if 
there is tuba or sousaphone, their solos must be limited to a maximum 
of one per set and may never exceed two choruses;

   8) at anytime during your performance, parasols are deployed. 
Legitimate second-lines are the ONLY exception, in which case an 
additional 25% for strolling/marching applies;

   9) your proposed venue spends more on sound reinforcement or 
amplification than artist fees;

10) compensation for your job includes ANY of the following: all the 
beer you can drink, a free meal, good publicity or exposure, or 
bringing a spouse, girlfriend, or companion for free.

Thank you in advance for your consideration.

-- 
**--------------------------------------------------------------------**
** Dan Augustine  --  Austin, Texas  --  ds.augustine at mail.utexas.edu
**     "I often ask myself how Beethoven would have written a
**      particular passage if he had wanted it to sound the way
**      I'm playing it."  --  Robert Shaw when at Cleveland Orchestra
**--------------------------------------------------------------------**