[Dixielandjazz] A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line

[Talegatorz at aol.com]

by Donn Laurence Mills

If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include 
ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young 
players take pride in getting the conductor's goat. The following rules are 
intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the 
conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill 
of the player.) 


Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes 
attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs. 
When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music 
on the floor. 
Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded 
space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure. 
Look the other way just before cues. 
Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. 
Percussion players must never have all their equipment. 
Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression 
you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor. 
Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, 
especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. 
Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are 
unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds. 
Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet 
players are trained to do this from birth). 
Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. 
This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. 
(If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.) 
At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy 
marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing. 
Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't 
have the music. 
Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally. 
Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive 
about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently. 
As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. 
Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the 
first time you've conducted this piece?" 
When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head 
indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him 
wonder. 
If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, 
stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage 
just before the concert. 
Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will 
become restless and start to pack up and fidget. 
During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, 
nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you 
from doing something really important. It is time that players reminded their 
conductors of the facts of life: just who do conductors think they are, anyway? 

Donn Laurence Mills is the NSOA contributing editor. He holds music degrees 
from Northwestern University and Eastman School of Music. A conductor and music 
educator, he is also the American educational director for the Yamaha 
Foundation of Tokyo.