[Dixielandjazz] Pending Trombone Legislation--humor

[Norman Vickers]

To: DJML listmates

You've seen similar ones, but there are a couple of nuances in this one.
Hope it gives you a chuckle.

 

Norman-they're already done derogatory ones on the harmonica--Vickers

 

 

Pending Trombone Legislation

 

(UP Newsfeed: 2/10/06)


 WASHINGTON, D.C. - Each year thousands are people are killed,
maimed or annoyed by Trombones. 

The statistics of head, neck and even shoulder injuries sustained by Reed
Players, French Horn and String Sections seated within reach of the Deadly
Seventh Position are truly shocking...not to mention forced early retirement
due to ever-increasing hearing problems reported by Classical Musicians of
all types who are forced to play the music of Wagner, Mahler and Brahms,
as well as the hundreds of Alumni of the Herman, Ferguson and Kenton
Bands, and devotees of Kid Ory, Jack Teagarden, Abe Lincoln, 
Carl Fontana, Frank Rosolino and Charlie Vernon.

There is current legislation pending in Congress to restrict the sale
of Trombones and equip them with child-safety devices. The influential
Trombone Lobby is, of course, opposed to this.  There have even been
several proposals for requiring a so-called "trigger lock" on all Bass
Trombones!  Every year there are reports of hundreds of innocent
children, attracted by the Shiny Brass and Smooth, Seductive Curves of
an unattended Trombone on a stand in the corner of a room or in an
unlocked case who are traumatized for life by the attempts of a playmate
to get a sound out of it, or who may suffer a collapsed lung or the
effects of hyperventilation by trying the same effort themselves. The
owner's feeble "I didn't know the slide was unlocked" is no excuse!

Trombones should be stored Out of Reach of Children.

Efforts to enact a Mandatory 10-day waiting period to purchase a
Trombone - which would simply allow a reasonable period of time for Law
Enforcement Officials to cross-check the purchaser's name against an
International list of Registered Trombone Offenders and Slide-O-Mix
addicts,  have been repeatedly thwarted by the powerful
Conn-Selmer-Yamaha (CSY) Lobby. 

Law Enforcement Officials are particularly alarmed over the increase 
in crimes involving use of the "sawed-off" Trombone or "Sackbut." 
Legislation is also pending in several progressive states, 
including New York and California, to make carrying a concealed 
Alto Trombone a Class A Felony.

Some Governors feel that there are sufficient laws already on the
books that simply need stricter enforcement - such as the 1932
nation-wide ban of Screw-on Bells, the indiscriminate use of Pond's Cold
Cream or KY Jelly and unsupervised emptying of water-keys ("spit valves")
on public property - a filthy, unsanitary habit which will help spread
the Flu this year. 

One popular response to the spread of delinquent behavior is the imposition
of mandatory longer sentences for those using a Trombone while committing a
crime ("Use a trombone - Go to jail").

Surveillance video tapes have proven especially effective in identifying
violators of this statute because career criminals have often tried to
avoid convictions by having their lawyers insist that what eye-witnesses
reported as a Trombone was really only an AK-47 or other Legal Assault
Weapon. Strict enforcement has been especially effective when used in
conjunction with the new "Three Sharps, You're Out" Statutes that have
already been approved by many state legislatures.

Of course the Automatic and Semi-Automatic Valve Models - both
Piston and the Middle-European Rotary - are much more dangerous than
the traditional Single Valve Trombone. Interpol has also reported the
sudden appearance of Rear-Blasting Cavalry Models that were thought to
have been completely eliminated during the Great Confiscation mandated
by the 1918 Treaty of Versailles, signed by representatives of every
civilized country of the period. You may recall that those instruments
were melted down and became an integral part of the Trans-Atlantic
Telephone Cable that helped to unite America and Europe. 

It is believed that the new source of these WMDs are isolated factories in
rural areas of  China. 

The awesome destructive power of the Double Trigger Bass Trombone 
could never have been imagined by the Founding Fathers when
they granted us the right to keep and bear arms.

Remember: When Trombones are Outlawed, only Outlaws will play 
"I'm Getting Sentimental Over You."

 


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