[Dixielandjazz] Tips for music lovers

[John Farrell]

This comes from a stride piano group to which I belong :

 MUSICIANS ARE EXPERT MIND READERS

When requesting a song from the band, just say "play my song!" We have a
chip implanted in our heads with an unlimited database with the favorite
tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar and all songs ever
recorded, so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge. If we do not
remember exactly what tune you want, we're only kidding. Bands know every
song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be... it helps jog
the memory.

If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either
forgot that they know the tune or they are just putting you on. Try singing
a few words for the band. Any words will do. It also helps to scream your
request from across the room several times per set followed by the phrases,
"AW COME ON!" and, "YOU SUCK!".  Exaggerated hand gestures expressing
disapproval from the dance floor are a big help as well, such as the thumbs
down or your middle finger.

Put-downs are the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes
you to the status of "Personal Friend Of The Band."

Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really prepare for
their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they
will do once they arrive. An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey
could do it, so don't let them off the hook easily. Your request is all that
matters. If a heavy metal band had played at the club a few weeks ago, the
next band that follows will automatically know every metal tune the previous
band ever played, even if the current band is a blues or country band. It's
the law.  Feel free to yell "AC/DC!" or "SLAYER!" to a band that plays
strictly originals or jazz for example. Conversely, Deadheads may yell for
Grateful Dead tunes at a dance or metal band.

IMPORTANT

When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in
both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head
securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an invitation to a
friendly and playful game of tug of war between their head and your hands.
Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits.

Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the
back, protected by the guitar players. Keyboard players are protected by
their instrument, and only play the game when tricked into coming out from
behind their keyboards. Though difficult to get them play, it's not
impossible, so keep trying. They're especially vulnerable during the break
between songs.

TALKING WITH THE BAND

The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at
the middle of a song when all band members are singing at the same time. Our
hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice from the
megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us.

Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply to your
question or comment during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good look
at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream your
request and be sure to over emphasize the words with your lips. This helps
immensely. Don't be fooled. Singers have the innate ability to answer
questions and sing at the same time. If the singer doesn't answer your
questions immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's
because they are purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an
attitude. We love this.

HELPING THE BAND

If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate your
help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain standing on
stage. Just pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk up on
stage and join in. By the way, the drunker you are, the better you sound,
and the louder you should sing. If by chance you fall off the stage, be sure
to crawl back up and attempt to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing
assists the band more than outrageous dancing, fifth and sixth part
harmonies, or a tambourine played out of tempo. Try the cowbell; they love
the challenge. The band always needs the help and will take this as a
compliment.

BONUS TIP

As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get onstage and
start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if you are ejected
from the club, you can rest assured in the fact that you have successfully
completed your audition. The band will call you immediately the following
day to offer you a position. See you at the next gig ...

John Farrell
http://homepages.tesco.net/~stridepiano/midifiles.htm