[Dixielandjazz] Washboards???Best use of :))

[Carol Emerich]

I can tell you why it takes women longer than men.  You open the door, step
 in the door, while unzipping your pants, head straight for the pot,  take
 aim and let it go wherever it lands.  Zip up while exiting the door and
 you're done.

 We women step in being very careful to not step in the moisture on the 
floor
 and anything else that might be there, hopefully find some  toilet tissue 
to
 put on the seat in case we should accidentally get too close to that foul
 receptacle, then we have to turn around in a space that is too small for
 much movement for even the smallest of women, me for example at 5 ft 1-3/4 
inches and weighing only 105 pounds.

Then with one hand we have to raise our skirt or pull down our slacks,
 standing far enough away so no part of our clothing or body touches
 anything, while our other hand is trying to keep the skirt or slacks from
 touching that vile stuff on the floor.  Then we carefully lower our behind
 over the opening being extremely cautious to not get too close, keeping our
 feet in such a position  to balance us in that awkward squatting position.
 If we're lucky we can then relax enough to do what we need to do, then 
start
 the process of putting ourselves back together again, pulling up slacks or
 lowering skirt, again being careful that nothing touches anything in there.

 Then at least a slight turn is required to dispose of the tissue on the
 seat, if it remained there, very gingerly pick it up off the floor if it
 didn't, flush if we're lucky enough to have a working flusher, scrub our
 hands best we can (do you even do that?) dry the hands and get the hell out
 of there as quickly as we can.

 And no amount of elevator music could speed up that process.

 Carol
Listener and lurker


> ----- Original Message ----- 
> From: <tcashwigg at aol.com>
> To: <Andy.Ling at Quantel.Com>; <dixielandjazz at ml.islandnet.com>
> Sent: Friday, August 12, 2005 1:16 PM
> Subject: Re: [Dixielandjazz] Washboards???Best use of :))
>
>
>>
>>
>> A continuing conversation . . .
>>
>>  Well mates, being an entrepreneur of things musical, I have discovered a 
>> major problem and of course now the solution to it.
>>
>>  It has come to my attention over the past ten years or so that there is 
>> a very big problem of long lines at the Porta Potties at all the outdoor 
>> OKOM festivals, the ladies tend to take far too much unnecessary time in 
>> them, though I have no idea why since I have never seen one with a 
>> mirror. :)) This problem causes long lines in the heat of the day and the 
>> cold of the night which has been know top cause some heavy beers drinkers 
>> to resort to unsanitary solutions in the surrounding area which often 
>> results in dead shrubbery and trees and rather annoying smells emanating 
>> from decorative water fountains.
>>
>>
>>  Now my solution to this growing problem is actually quite simple and I 
>> did not invent it, Musak did a long time ago for the problem they 
>> discovered with needing to clear elevators quickly after some clod had 
>> passed gas on the way to the second floor when  everyone else was headed 
>> much farther up the shaft.  They piped in Musak elevator music which was 
>> so bad it causes folks to get off at the next floor stop and walk up the 
>> stairs.  This in itself is not a bad thing however, since it also forces 
>> folks to exercise and has been known to eliminate heart attacks, although 
>> in some rare cases it has been known to cause one, but that's another 
>> story.
>>
>> Now I am offering a new service to pipe in Washboard bands and Banjo 
>> music exclusively into all porta potties at all outdoor events which 
>> should cause the problem to be "quickly eliminated in more ways than one" 
>> reduce the hang time in the porta potties and realize a much faster turn 
>> over of users and increased Beer sales will be a side benefit form this 
>> solution since folks will have more time to drink if they are not 
>> standing in long lines to relieve all that pressure.
>>
>> I am also working on another solution to increase the profits from the 
>> Beer sales at the festivals, by hooking a filtered Hose line from the 
>> Porta Pottie directly back to the Beer Kegs and a new marketing campaign 
>> for selling recycled Beer rather than just the damned cans and bottles. 
>> NOw I know this will sound icky to some of ya'll but think about it a 
>> minute or two, especially you Festival Promoters with non-profit 
>> organizations, you can start to realize a PROFIT very quickly by going 
>> this route.
>>
>> For additional revenues I suggest charging .50 to use the porta pottie, 
>> and a quarter  to make change for them at the table next to them.  And 
>> hey why not charge 'em for wiping paper too, some will buy it and some 
>> won't and just choose to rough it or tear sheets out of their souvenir 
>> festival programs and have to buy another one to find their next stage 
>> and favorite band performance.   Make sure the door only accepts .50 cent 
>> pieces so they have to buy change every time.  Nobody has .50 cent pieces 
>> anymore nor do they have a slot for $2.00 bills.   I intend to fix that 
>> problem as well and bring those wonderful inventions back to their 
>> esteemed level of prominence in our society as well.   Use what you got 
>> we don't need nothing new.
>>
>>
>> Now this makes cents now don't it.
>>
>> Cheers,
>>
>> Tom "Always Thinkin" Wiggins
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
>> A. A drummer
>>
>> Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with Drummers?
>> A. A washboard Player
>>
>> Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with washboard players?
>>
>> A. A person with good taste and refinement - schooled in the finer
>>  things in life and appreciative of the artistic creativity personified 
>> by the
>>  majestic figure of the washboard player engaged in his never ending 
>> pursuit of
>>  truth and beauty . . . Thanks to the spark of divinity that lies within 
>> the
>>  soul of the true artist that he may lead us out of the wilderness and 
>> into
>> the realm of pure beauty!
>>
>> And fancies "a bit of rough" -- VBG ;-)
>> Andy Ling
>>
>>
>>
>>
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>>
>