[Dixielandjazz] Talking with the band (humor)

[Kaye Wade]

        Band advice to club gore's.

        TALKING WITH THE BAND

        The best time to discuss anything with the band in any
meaningful way is at
        the middle of a song when all members are singing at the same
time (such
        as a multi harmony part). Our hearing is so advanced that we can
pick out
        your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all
around us,
        musicians are expert lip readers too.

        If a musician does not reply to your question or comment during
a tune,
        take this very personally. Singers have the ability to sprout a
second
        mouth to talk with you and sing at the same time; if the singer
doesn't, it's
        because they are purposely ignoring you; if this happens,
immediately cop
        an attitude, we love this.

        When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or
her head
        and yell directly into their ear, holding their head so they
cannot pull away
        from you, this is an invitation to a friendly game of tug of war
between their
        head and your hands. Disregard any respect for the musician's
hearing.

        REQUESTS

        Musicians are expert mind readers. Only refer to your requests
with the
        phrase "play my song"! We have a chip implanted in our heads
with an
        unlimited database with the favorite tunes of every patron who
ever
        walked into the bar, so feel free to be vague, we love the
challenge. If we
        do not remember exactly what tune you want, it's an intentional
ploy to
        offend you. Remember, entertainers live to be offensive; we stay
up all
        night thinking up ways to do this; we also never get enough
abuse so any
        abuse that you add will keep us in line.

        If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear,
they either
        forgot that they know the tune or they are lying to you. Try
singing a few
        words for the band; if one member halfway knows part of a
chorus, the
        rest of the band will instantly learn the entire song by
osmosis.

        Knowing this, if the band still claims to not know your song
just keep
        requesting the
        same song ad nausea. Never try to request another tune the band
actually
        knows. Scream your request from across the room several times
per set
        followed by the phrases, "AW COME ON!" and "YOU SUCK!"

        Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance
floor
        are a big help, such as the thumbs down or your middle finger.
Put downs
        are the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes
you to
        the status of Personal Friend Of The Band.

        If your choice of music is a complete departure from what the
crowd loves
        (and cannot get enough of), i.e., if they play original Blues,
ignore this.

        Simply put a lot of money into the tip jar to bolster your
argument; this will
        circumvent any lack of knowledge they have about your requested
tune.
        The more money you tip the band with, the more power you have to

        dictate what happens on stage. Feel free to use your money to
bully the
        band.

        Entertainers are notorious fakers and never prepare for shows,
they simply
        walk on stage with no prior thought to what they will do once
they arrive.
        An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so
don't let
        them off the hook.

        The band and club's income does not depend upon numbers of
people
        patronizing the bar, screw them, your request is all that
matters. If a metal
        band had played at the club for the last few weeks, the next
band that
        follows will automatically know every metal tune the previous
band played,
        even if the current band is a blues or country band. It's the
law. Feel free
        to yell AC DC or SLAYER!! To a band that plays strictly
originals or blues for
        example. Conversely, Deadheads may yell for Grateful Dead tunes
at a
        dance or metal band.

        HELPING THE BAND

        If you inform the band that you are a musician in a garage band
or singer in
        a Karaoke bar, be sure to let them know that you can run rings
around
        them and they need you in their band. In fact the sole reason
the band has
        not exploded onto the charts is because they do not have you as
their big
        break. Besides, that black guy singing the blues is just copying
the
        Downchild and Clapton in spite of the fact that he's 63 years
old.

        Tell the band unequivocally, that your mere presence as a member
of their
        band will save them from the depths of mediocrity and assure
them of
        success beyond their wildest dreams. This works every time.

        If the band continues to refuse your repeated demands to perform
with
        them, stand on the dance floor and perform with every tune they
do. Do
        everything you can to be louder than the band. If they won't let
you
        perform with them, be disruptive. Nothing asserts your
superiority like an
        out of tune harmonica, vocalist or a tambourine played out of
tempo.

        For extra credit, use these instruments in tunes that do not
have them in
        the original recording; musicians love to play cover tunes with
instruments
        that do not belong there; they will overlook how badly you play
and will
        wonder how they have gotten along all these years without you.

--
---
Kaye Wade
Stuntwoman-Actress, Reflexologist
Vocalist & Bandleader -Kaye Wade's Riverboat Ramblers
& The Tinsel Town Ten Minus 3
PO Box 1068 Studio City  CA. 91614-1068
http://www.KayeWade.com