[Dixielandjazz] HOW TO BE FRIENDS WITH «THE BAND

[Robert S. Ringwald]

  >  Band advice to club goers.
>
>  TALKING WITH THE BAND
>
>  The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way
>  is at the middle of a song when all members are singing at the same
>  time [such as a multi harmony part]. Our hearing is so advanced that
>  we can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound
>  blasting all around us, musicians are expert lip readers too. If a
>  musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune,
>  take this very personally. Singers have the ability to sprout a
>  second mouth to talk with you and sing at the same time; if the
>  singer doesn't, it's because they are purposely ignoring you; if this
>  happens, immediately cop an attitude, we love this. When an
>  entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head and
>  yell directly into their ear, holdin g their head so they cannot pull
>  away from you, this is an invitation to a friendly game of tug of war
>  between their head and your hands. Disregard any respect for the
>  musician's hearing.
>
>  REQUESTS
>
>  Musicians are expert mind readers. Only refer to your requests with
>  the phrase "play my song"! We have a chip implanted in our
>  heads with an unlimited database with the favorite tunes of every
>  patron who ever walked into the bar, so feel free to be vague, we
>  love the challenge. If we do not remember exactly what tune you want,
>  it's an intentional ploy to offend you. Remember, entertainers live
>  to be offensive; we stay up all night thinking up ways to do this; we
>  also never get enough abuse so any abuse that you add will keep us in
>  line.
    If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they
>  either forgot that they know the tune or they are lying to you. Try
>  singing a few words for the band; if o ne member halfway knows part of
>  a chorus, the rest of the band will instantly learn the entire song by
>  osmosis. Knowing this, if the band still claims to not know your
>  song just keep requesting the same song ad nauseum. Never try to
>  request another tune the band actually knows. Scream your request
>  from across the room several times per set followed by the
>  phrases, AW COME ON! & YOU SUCK! Exaggerated hand gestures
>  expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help such as
>  the thumbs down or your middle finger. Put downs are the best way to
>  jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes you to the status
>  of Personal Friend Of The Band.
>
>  If your choice of music is a complete departure from what the crowd
>  loves (and cannot get enough of), i.e. if they play original Blues,
>  ignore this.
>
>  Simply put a lot of money into the tip jar to bolster your
>  argument; this will circumvent any lack of knowledge they have about
>  your requested tune. The more money you tip the band with, the more
>  power you have to dictate what happens on stage. Feel free to use your
>  money to bully the band. Entertainers are notorious fakers and never
>  prepare for shows, they simply walk on stage with no prior thought to
>  what they will do once they arrive. An entertainer's job is so easy,
>  even a monkey could do it, so don't let them off the hook. The band
>  and club's income does not depend upon numbers of people patronizing
>  the bar, screw them, your request is all that matters. If a metal
>  band had played at the club for the last few weeks, the next band
>  that follows will automatically know every metal tune the previous
>  band played, even if the current band is a blues or country band.
>  It's the law. Feel free to yell "AC DC" or "SLAYER!!" to a band that
>  plays strictly originals or blues for example. Conversely, Deadheads
>  may yell for Grateful Dead tunes at a dance band or metal band.
>
>  HELPING THE BAND
>  if you inform the band that you are a musician in a garage band or
>  singer in a Karaoke bar, be sure to let them know that you can run
>  rings around them and they need you in their band. In fact the sole
>  reason the band has not exploded onto the charts is because they do
>  not have you as their big break And besides that black guy singing
>  the blues is just copying the Downchild,and Clapton,in spite of the
>  fact that he 's 63 years old. Tell the band, unequivocally that your
>  mere presence as a member of their band will save them from the
>  depths of mediocrity and assure them of success beyond their wildest
>  dreams. This works every time.
>
>  If the band continues to refuse your repeated demands to perform with
>  them, stand on the dance floor and perform with every tune they do. Do
>  everything you can to be louder than the band, if they won't let you
>  perform with them, be disruptive. Nothing asserts your superiority
>  like an out of tune harmonica, vocalist or a tambourine played out of
>  tempo.
>
>  For extra credit, use these instruments in tunes that do not have them
>  in the original recording; musicians love to play cover tunes with
>  instruments that do not belong there; they will overlook how badly you
>  play and will wonder how they hav! e gotten along all these years
>  without you. BONUS TIP: As a last resort, wait until the band takes a
>  break and then get on stage and start playing their instruments; even
>  if you are 86ed, you have made your point. The band will call you
>  immediately the following day to offer you a position.
>

 
 
rvthompson at earthlink.net
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.