[Dixielandjazz] THE CURSE OF THE DOUBLE-TRIGGER BASS TROMBONE PLAYER....

[Bob Romans]

THE CURSE OF THE DOUBLE-TRIGGER BASS TROMBONE PLAYER....



In the beginning there was a tenor trombone.



It was a King, probably a 2B, but it could have been a 3B,



nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old . . . definitely pre - "62.



And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it

was



very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all.





And so He let it be and He created a man to play the trombone. and lo

the



man looked upon the trombone, which was a beautiful gold finish,



and he loved it. He played upon the slide and the note rang



through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments.





And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his



handiwork.





Then in the course of time, the man came to modify the trombone and

made





a single trigger bass trombone. And lo it was funky. And God heard

this



funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good. And more time

passed,



and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the

single-trigger bass trombone.





And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he

did play lower and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through

the heavens.





And God heard this sound which sounded something like a man passing

wind,

which he had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of



furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so

pleased.





And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!" Now the man heard

the



voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he



played upon the single-trigger bass trombone a blizzard of funky

notes.

And

the heavens shook



with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion.





And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged.

And



He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted the sound

of

man passing wind, I would have created a bassoon. Stick to the tenor

trombone

parts."





And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it.

But



now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and low.



The man took the single trigger off the bass trombone and made a



double trigger bass trombone. And the man did play melodies low upon the

slide.





And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the

Lord,



and he played a frenzy of low melodies with a blindingly fast slide.

And



the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and



rolled.





Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to

the



man. And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word.

Lo, I



shall create a contra-bass saxophone and it shall play lower than you

can



even think of. And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the

drums.



And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall



make you to always stand next to the drummer."





"You think you're loud? I shall create a long row of tuba players



to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other



instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play lower and faster



than the double-trigger bass trombone. And for all the days of man,



your curse shall be this: that all the other musicians shall look to

you,



the double-trigger bass trombone player, as the jerk-off in the

band."





"And if you play too low or fast all the other musicians shall say



"Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're



ready for your solo career, and find other tenor trombone players



for their bands.





And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall



have to sneak them in like a thief in the night."





"And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the



bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."





And it was so.