[Dixielandjazz] Time to recirculate this gem

[TCASHWIGG at aol.com]

 I got it off list from a great band leader, who knows and has lived it
    all too many times as well.

The Perfect Sideman

    1. Never recommend anyone who plays better than you.
    2. Always suck up. (Leaders, bartenders, bride  and/or groom, management, 
etc.)
    3. If you don't know it, play harmony.
    4. Double book, then choose.
    5. Always assume the leader knows nothing.
    6. Always degrade types of music you can't play or know nothing about.
    7. Always bring your own business cards and solicit during breaks.
    8. Never play requests (especially if you know it).
    9. Never smile.
   10. Always complain.
   11. Save all high notes for warming up and after engagement. (horn and 
woodwinds only.)
   12. guitarist use distortion whenever possible
   13. Never show up sooner than 30 seconds before an engagement.
        (One minute if you   have equipment to set up.)
   14. Never leave a book in order. Whenever possible, write on music in ink.
   15. Always play Trane or Parker licks during fox trots, tangos, waltzes,
         or anything in D minor. (show what you can do.
   16. Always open spit valves over music.
   17. If the leader is not sure of a tune, always use
         substitute changes over his vocals or solos.
   18. Always worship dead jazz greats.
   19. Be negative about anything connected with the  job.
   20. Always bring drinks back to the bandstand.
   21. When a break is over, always disappear. If this is not possible, make 
a phone call.
   22. If you're backing up an act, talk when not playing. If it's a comic, 
don't laugh.
   23. Always bum a ride.
   24. Always wait until someone else is buying before you get thirsty.
   25. Never bring your own cigarettes to an engagement.
   26. Avoid tipping at all cost (waitresses, coatroom, valet, etc.).
   27. Always ask, "When does the band eat", or "Where's our table"?
   28. Remember, if you didn4t book the gig, feel free to mingle with guests 
and have fun.
   29. If the wine is good, and free, drink all you possibly can,
         but bitch anyway about the medicor quality.
   30. If the wine is low quality, drink all you possibly can,
         and bitch about the cheapskate who organized the party.
   31. If you must pay for any alcohol, drink coffee
         and cokes, and bitch about the cheapskate who organized the party.
   32. In any case, complain. This is a very important  sidemans duty.
         It keeps the bandleader nervous and humble.

I would be ROTFLOL if it were not all true.  I can still see a face after 
every  number onthis list.  :)

Cheers,

Tom Wiggins