[Dixielandjazz] The Revival of OKOM

[Stephen Barbone]

Every once in a while we might laugh at ourselves . . .

Cheers,
Steve Barbone

..And so in the dark of night the Lord appeared to Noah, and spake:
"Noah,  awake and heed my words regarding OKOM", for it shall come to be
revived.

And Noah, being sore, afraid and disoriented in a mist, did cry out,
"Who goeth there?" And the Lord did smite him upside the head, saying,
"It is the Lord, dummy!" And Noah did tremble, saying, Lord, why hath
thou wakened me?"

And the Lord did say, "Noah, you must build me a OKOM Revival Band. "For
the earth will be visited by a plague of Hipsters, followed by forty
days of Rock and forty nights of Roll created falsely by a tribe of
heathen musicians in league with the Devil and will need musical help"

And Noah did say, "Command me, Lord."

And the Lord did say, "First, thou must find me a Leader."

And Noah replied, "But Lord, will I not be thy Leader?"

And the Lord did smite him again, saying, "Fool, thou will be my
Contractor and Producer of OKOM Festivals. Ask not why!"

And Noah did bow his head, saying, "Yes, my Lord. And what will this
leader play?"

And the Lord said, "It mattereth little, whether he play or not, or
whether he be proficient or not. For his job shall primarily be to talk
to and satisfy the old folks searching for their youth amongst the
music, to count off Tempos wrongly, to inquire as to whether Overtime
will happen, and to try to segue tunes that should not be segued. If he
playeth any instrument, thou must always have another player of that
instrument in the band, to be secure."

And Noah did say, "And what else shall this Leader do?"

And the Lord replied, "It shall be his job to spread Bad Information and
Confusion amongst the Sidemen, and to pit them one against the other,
and to delay all payments. "Further shall it be his job, until we can
afford a Soundman, to create Feedback, and to invent new Equalization
Curves therefore."

And Noah did shake his head in wonder, saying, "Lord, thy ways are
Strange and mysterious. What more shall I do?"

And the Lord said, "Next, find me a Rhythm Section. First, find me a
Drummer. And Three Things above all must this Drummer possess."

And Noah did ask, "What are these Three Things? Soft Bass Drums? Press
Rolls? Hi Hat?"

And the Lord did smite Noah again, saying "Second-guess me not, my
servant. First, this Drummer must have slightly imperfect time, so that
whenever he playeth a Fill (and he shall play many), he always emergeth
at a different place, sometimes early and sometimes late, but thou may
not guess which. And
second, he must be Supremely Discontent, always hoping for the Big Break
which will lead to him playing with Michael or Janet Jackson, so that he
despiseth playing OKOM. And third, he must always be convinced of his
Righteousness, in all things, including Time, Volume, Tempo and Feel, so
that he argueth always with the Bass Player."

And Noah did say, "As you command, Lord. And what next?" And the Lord
did say, "Thou art learning, Noah. Next shall be the Bass Player. And he
shall be Bored. That is all."

And Noah did say, "Of course. And next, my Lord?" "Next shall be the
Piano Player. And he shall play as if he has twenty fingers, and he
shall play Substitute upon Substitute, until no man may name the Chord,
and he will not be helpful. Furthermore, he shall always be late. And he
shall always be trying out Chord Progressions, of which he has no
knowledge."

And Noah did wonder aloud, "Lord, Great is thy Wisdom!" "Next shall be
the Guitar Player. He shall be a Rock Guitar Player and he shall be
Loud. He shall sing 'I Ain't Got No Body'. Also shall he know not The
Page, and so shall rely upon his Ears, which have been damaged by
exposure to Extreme Sound Levels. For the Guitarists who Read shall
already be making Big Shekels playing Shows. And his tux shall be the
Rattiest." He shall double on Banjo to placate square purists who grew
up thinking pizza parlor music was jazz. And Noah did say, "It shall be
done."

And the Lord did say, "Next thou shall need Horns. First shall be the
Clarinet. He shall be a Bebopper, having forsaken Larry Shields and play
Bird quotes in every song, yea, even the Gershwin ballad. And he shall
Get High on every break, and make the Long Face all night long, but
especially when 'Saints' is called.

Next shall be the Trumpet. He shall attempt to take everything Up an
Octave, and fail frequently, emitting giant clams. And of Chord Changes
or Buddy Bolden, he shall know nothing. Likewise of melody.

And finally shall be the Trombone Player. Many jokes shall be made about
him, for he will have a Beeper, as well as a Day Job, and he will be the
first to be Cut from the Band. And Noah, taking many notes, did say,
"Mighty is the Lord!"

And Noah did say, "What else can be left, Lord?" And the Lord did say,
"Finally, find me a two Singers. They shall be one Male, and one Female.
The Male shall be a Strutting Peacock, with the false Rock & Roll Hair
and he shall wear The White Tuxedo. He also shall double on The
Harmonica and Washboard which will impede the swing.

The female's job is to dress in an Evening Gown, and to Fake Parts on
all Ballads. As well as show Fake Chest implants. She will occasionally
Stroll, and complain about the Volume, and the Intonation, and also
impede the Swing." Both male and female shall leave every gig
immediately, having never touched a piece of Equipment. And they shall
be paid many more shekels than the Sidemen. Ask not why, suffice it that
they are my friends." And Noah did say, "As Thou sayest, my Lord."

And the Lord did command him, "Search high and low for these, as not
every musician can fulfill these requirements. And though we have No
Work yet, a Commitment must be secured from All. And while you're at it,
start looking for Subs."

And Noah did say, "Lord, thy will be done."