[Dixielandjazz] Bio of Rev. Tom -Bob T -CASH WIGGINS

[TCASHWIGG at aol.com]

Tom Wiggins Biography 
(for those of you who have not had the distinct pleasure of meeting me 
personally).  


I am indeed a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.  I 
have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more 
efficient in the area of heat retention.  I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban 
refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.  
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row, although I don't recall having yet 
walked upon it no matter what my fans and clients may tell you.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike bass drum playing, I can pilot 
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed (no not the kind musicians use), 
and I learned to cook Thirty Minute Brownies in twenty minutes from Martha 
Stewart.  I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in 
thirty-seven foreign countries.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended 
a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.  I 
play virtuoso bluegrass cello and snare drum duets, (No you don't smoke BLUE 
GRASS it will kill you) I was scouted by the METs, I am the subject of numerous 
documentaries (self written and produced and never read or seen).  When I am 
bored, I build large suspension bridges in my back yard.  I enjoy urban hang 
gliding, ( great sport for Peeping Toms).  On Wednesdays after teaching school I 
repair electrical appliances at the local adult store free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.  Critics 
worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy and seersucker evening wear. 
 I don't perspire.  I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.  I have 
been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.  Last summer I toured 
New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration.  I bat .400 in 
the game of love.  My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in 
international botany circles.  Children trust me, except for my grandkids.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.  I 
once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, David Copperfield, and Drums in one day and 
still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.  I know the 
exact location of every food item in the supermarket (even though they move them 
nightly to try and confuse me).  I have performed several covert operations 
for the CIA and Musicians Union.  I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep 
in a chair.  While on vacation in outer Detroit.  I successfully negotiated 
with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery and Arab liquor store. 
 Being part Cherokee, The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.  On 
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.  Years ago I 
discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.  I have made 
extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.  I breed 
prizewinning clams.  I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in 
Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.  I have played Hamlet, I have 
performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

I am a close personal recognized acquaintance of Steve Barbone and Bill 
Gunter, which along with fifty dollars get you a seat at almost any social function 
held in a diner in the San Francisco Bay Area, if you are wearing a shirt and 
shoes.