[Dixielandjazz] Happy New yr. & Instruments
kayewade at earthlink.net
Wed Dec 31 16:20:07 PST 2003
At the end, I have added one as Igor knows & I know...
Subject: Weapons of mass destruction
It's hard to believe that the Pentagon website has
this surprisingly un-PC sub-section listing of some
more obscure WMD's (Weapons of Mass Destruction):
The following is a list of more obscure forms of
domestic "Band" Weapons of Mass Destruction.
These are the most insidious and dangerous weapons of
all. To the common lay person they appear innocuous
and non-lethal, but in the right hands they present a
threat of incalculable proportions. Please read the
following and heed all precautions therewith.
PICCOLO- The minute dimensions of this weapon make it
especially lethal as it is easily concealed and can be
set off just about anywhere. As a solo weapon this
device emits a high pitched squeal that directly
targets the inner ear. The application of this tone
temporarily disorients its intended victim rendering
him unable to react. The natural reaction of covering
one's ears to reduce the intense pain causes military
personnel within a 100 yard radius to drop their
weapons leaving them defenseless to further attack.
Applied in concert with a second piccolo of slightly
higher or lower pitch, the weapons produce the effect
of an ice pick through the eardrum and may cause
profuse bleeding of the aural cavity. These weapons
are constructed in 3 forms; metal, composite
materials, wood, or any combination of the three. The
all metal piccolos are especially lethal. The only
countermeasure to this weapon is to apply
psychological warfare in the following manner.
Compliment the musician on her: Clothes Hair Shoes.
This will distract the musician(s) from emitting her
deadly tones and cause her to gab endlessly about
herself. This in itself takes us to another problem
man has dealt with for a thousand years and to which
there is no antidote. Good Luck!
FLUTE: Slightly less effective as the piccolo but
still nothing to be trifled with. The flute possesses
the same destructive qualities as the piccolo but is
required in greater numbers to do so. 6th and 7th
grade females are especially effective with this
weapon and are to be approached with extreme caution.
OBOE: This weapon may appear harmless at first sight.
The instrument's stealth qualities lure its intended
victims into a false state of security, and then hit
you without mercy. The oboe itself is a harmless
composite or wooden conical tube. Once the
ordnance(reed) is inserted, it is a weapon of
tremendous power. One comforting factor is that the
oboe is only as dangerous as the musician who wields
it. At first glance the operator of the oboe appears
sweet and demure and quite approachable. Do not be
fooled by this technique of deception. The oboist is
actually a very high strung and temperamental foe.
This is caused by the perpetual search for the perfect
reed, which we all know doesn't exist. Those who play
on plastic reeds are the bottom dwellers of the oboe
world and especially dangerous. The oboe is capable of
producing a tone of laser-like quality. The sheer
capabilities of volume produced can overpower an
entire concert band. The resulting backpressure
produced by over blowing has a two way effect. It
allows the musician to play seemingly forever on one
breath resulting in sympathetic vibrations causing
bullet proof glass and diamonds to shatter into deadly
flying shards. The warning signs of impending doom
occur when the musician raises the body of the
instrument to her mouth to blow dust from under a key.
This is how the weapon is cocked. If you ever see an
oboist do this run for cover my friend for all Hell is
about to break loose. The second effect of this
weapon's backpressure is to cause its owner to
eventually go insane. On rare occasion an oboist's
head has been known to explode while firing their
weapon. The only countermeasure to this weapon is to
remove and professionally destroy the ordnance (reed).
Doing so will also incur the wrath of its owner, so
use extreme caution. The first master of the oboe as
a weapon was Melvin "Schwartz" (Oklahoma All-State
Band 1982), name changed to protect the guilty. He
single handedly destroyed a performance of the Howard
Hanson Romantic Symphony Finale under McBeth with his
laser-like tones and inconsistent attacks. To this day
he has a bounty on his head and was last seen tending
bar in Tijuana.
Eb CLARINET: The Eb clarinet is the Tasmanian Devil of
the woodwind family. Entirely uncontrollable and
unpredictable, its blunderbuss like emissions can
occur without warning. It is as much a danger to its
owner as it is to the intended victim. For this reason
the Eb clarinet is not in wide use today and only used
by highly trained professionals and circus band
Bb CLARINET: As the flute is to the piccolo, the Bb
Clarinet is to the Eb Clarinet. The only time a Bb
\clarinet is considered truly dangerous is in the
hands of a saxophonist doubling on clarinet. His
seemingly lacking ability to adjust his air to the
clarinet causes a tone so forced and horrific that
decorum prevents me from continuing.
ALTO, BASS, CONTRA BASS CLARINET: The Scud missiles of
the clarinet family. Considered to be low grade
weapons, these clarinets are of limited lethality due
to the geekiness of their operators.
BASSOON: This is a weapon designed to start wars. Used
primarily indoors, this weapon's unique tone can cause
great embarrassment in social situations. Also known
as the "farting bed post" the bassoonist will hide
behind a set of curtains at an official state dinner
or similar function. With the help of a diplomatic
operative during the meal, the intermittent flatulent
tones emitted by the bassoon can be blamed on certain
visiting high government officials, causing great
embarrassment and the possible beginning of
hostilities between two countries. The best
countermeasure to the bassoon involves lighter fluid
and matches (you fill in the blanks).
SOPRANO SAXOPHONE: (See Kenny G) AHHHHHHHHHRGHHH!!!!!
ALTO SAX: Originally invented by Adolph Sax as the
result of an evening of much cheap wine and a dare by
a drunken horn player, he produced an instrument that
is neither brass nor woodwind. The only intended
victim of this vile weapon is the concert band French
horn player. Nothing is worse than hearing a great
brass lick only to be obscured by the overly reedy
tone and wobbly "vibrato" of some half crazed alto sax
doubling the horns and overplaying them. Composers and
arrangers are to blame as much as the alto players.
Older players unable to temper their 1940's swing band
vibrato are also a danger. The only counter measure is
to question their manhood by daring the player to play
Charlie Parker's "Donna Lee" at 230 beats per minute.
That should shut 'em up!
TENOR SAX: (See Alto Sax) Counter measure, throw down
the gauntlet with a dare to render John Coltrane's "Giant Steps".
BARITONE SAX: A tenor or alto wannabe, this instrument
is flaccid and harmless unless played in the style of
Stephen "Doc" Kupka (Tower of Power). His sporadic
well placed grunting and punctuated style, when
discovered by young players, can cause discomfort
among the average chool director. The only counter
measure to this is self medication by the teacher in
the form of tequila shots or similar substances.
TRUMPET: Obviously one would think that a trumpeter's
greatest weapon is his ability to play high notes at
great volume. This is a misconception that has been
perpetuated unwittingly by great performers like
Maynard Ferguson and Dizzy Gillespie. The danger is
not in the player who can play high. The danger lies
in the player who THINKS he can play high. A young
player's incessant caterwauling and inflated ego are a
danger to himself and all those around him. The best
effective counter measure is to allow the player to
continue his high note practice (even encourage him to
go higher and louder) until his lips explode or he
cracks a tooth jamming his face into the mouthpiece.
FRENCH HORN: French horns thankfully are a danger only
to a small group of people, as their bells point in
the wrong direction. They are only a danger to those
unfortunate enough to have to sit behind them. Their
intonation problems and constant cacking of pitches is
of great annoyance to those brass players sitting
behind them. Though lately the introduction of
plexiglass reflectors has reduced the danger to those
behind the horns, unfortunately it presents a greater
danger to the players themselves and those in front of
them. Upon hearing their actual tones coming back at
them, some hornists have been known to actually puke
right on stage due to the hideousness of their own tone.
TROMBONE: A unique application, the instrument itself
is not the real danger. The person playing the
instrument is what is truly dangerous. The trombone
and its player are the original "smart bomb". This
weapon is most effective in high tech warfare areas.
Insertion of one or more trombonists into a warfare
computer center instantly lowers the aggregate I.Q. in
the room. The trombonist's incredible stupidity is a
lethal bio weapon that spreads at an incredible rate.
Within 5 minutes of exposure all computer operators
within a 50 foot radius are reduced to drooling idiots
incapable of the simplest motor functions and bowel
control. Use of trombonists as weapons was outlawed by
the Geneva Convention in 1999 after an ugly incident
at a Dixieland convention in Sacramento.
BARITONE/EUPHONIUM: This is a weapon of mass
confusion. Euphonium players are the Rodney
Dangerfields of the brass world. Young players
especially don't know their place in the band. They
double French horns, trombones, saxophones, tubas in
octaves, bass clarinets, bassoons...yadda, yadda,
yadda! Euphonium orchestral parts are played by the
2nd trombone or worse, the tuba player! For this
reason most euphonium.........baritone...(WHATEVER !)
players resort to doubling on trombone. This is when
they become dangerous. (see trombone).
TUBA: This is a sonic weapon that when set off can
produce sub sonic tones causing a general feeling of
uneasiness and queasiness to those within its
effective range. Also one may attach a sousaphone to a
marching column of soldiers. As all tubists drag, the
ever slowing performance of um-pahs will eventually
reduce the marching soldiers to a snail's pace causing
them to be late for a battle or not arrive at all. The
most effective countermeasure is to feed the tubist
with great quantities of beer (imports if you have
them). It won't improve his playing but makes him more
enjoyable to be around.
SNARE DRUM/TRAP SET: This weapon affects only a very
small demographic: teenage girls and the fathers of
these girls with steady jobs and liquid bank accounts.
The snare drummer and the jazz/rock variety of set
player act almost like a computer worm. The drummer
will attach itself to an unsuspecting teenage girl and
milk her and her father's finances in such a way as to
not be noticed by the father until it is too late.
Drummers are the leaches of the music world and can
only be countered by being forced to get a real day
job. This will reduce the drummer's "coolness" factor
and the daughter will immediately lose interest.
The airport Security in some airports have discovered "The Unidentified
Foreign Object of high suspect" is the Kazoo! God forbid we should be
attacked by that!
'We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready
in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm.'
--- George Orwell ---
Vocalist & Bandleader -Kaye Wade's Riverboat Ramblers
& The Tinsel Town Ten Minus 3
PO Box 1068 Studio City CA. 91614-1068
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