[Dixielandjazz] Happy New yr. & Instruments

Kaye Wade kayewade at earthlink.net
Wed Dec 31 16:20:07 PST 2003

At the end, I have added one as Igor knows & I know...

Subject: Weapons of mass destruction

It's hard to believe that the Pentagon website has
this surprisingly un-PC  sub-section  listing  of some
more  obscure  WMD's (Weapons of Mass Destruction):
The following is a list of more obscure forms of
domestic "Band" Weapons of Mass Destruction.
These are the most insidious and dangerous weapons of
all. To the common lay person they appear innocuous
and non-lethal, but in the right hands they present a
threat of incalculable proportions. Please read the
following and heed all precautions therewith.

 PICCOLO- The minute dimensions of this weapon make it
 especially lethal as it is easily concealed and can be
 set off just about anywhere. As a solo weapon this
device emits a high pitched squeal that directly
 targets the inner ear. The application of this tone
 temporarily disorients its intended victim rendering
 him unable to react. The natural reaction of covering
 one's ears to reduce the intense pain causes military
 personnel within a 100 yard radius to drop their
 weapons leaving them defenseless to further attack.
 Applied in concert with a second piccolo of slightly
 higher or lower pitch, the weapons produce the effect
 of an ice pick through the eardrum and may cause
 profuse bleeding of the aural cavity. These weapons
are constructed in 3 forms; metal, composite
 materials, wood, or any combination of the three. The
 all metal piccolos are especially lethal. The only
 countermeasure to this weapon is to apply
 psychological warfare in the following manner.
 Compliment the musician on her: Clothes Hair Shoes.
 This will distract the musician(s) from emitting her
 deadly tones and cause her to gab endlessly about
 herself. This in itself takes us to another problem
 man has dealt with for a thousand years and to which
 there is no antidote. Good Luck!

 FLUTE: Slightly less effective as the piccolo but
 still nothing to be trifled with. The flute possesses
 the same destructive qualities as the piccolo but is
 required in greater numbers to do so. 6th and 7th
 grade females are especially effective with this
 weapon and are to be approached with extreme caution.

 OBOE: This weapon may appear harmless at first sight.
 The instrument's stealth qualities lure its intended
 victims into a false state of security, and then hit
 you without mercy. The oboe itself is a harmless
 composite or wooden conical tube. Once the
 ordnance(reed) is inserted, it is a weapon of
 tremendous power. One comforting factor is that the
 oboe is only as dangerous as the musician who wields
 it. At first glance the operator of the oboe appears
 sweet and demure and quite approachable. Do not be
 fooled by this technique of deception. The oboist is
 actually a very high strung and temperamental foe.
 This is caused by the perpetual search for the perfect
 reed, which we all know doesn't exist. Those who play
 on plastic reeds are the bottom dwellers of the oboe
 world and especially dangerous. The oboe is capable of
 producing a tone of laser-like quality. The sheer
 capabilities of volume produced can overpower an
 entire concert band. The resulting backpressure
 produced by over blowing has a two way effect. It
 allows the musician to play seemingly forever on one
 breath resulting in sympathetic vibrations causing
 bullet proof glass and diamonds to shatter into deadly
 flying shards. The warning signs of impending doom
 occur when the musician raises the body of the
 instrument to her mouth to blow dust from under a key.
 This is how the weapon is cocked. If you ever see an
 oboist do this run for cover my friend for all Hell is
 about to break loose. The second effect of this
 weapon's backpressure is to cause its owner to
 eventually go insane. On rare occasion an oboist's
 head has been known to explode while firing their
 weapon. The only countermeasure to this weapon is to
 remove and professionally destroy the ordnance (reed).
 Doing so will also incur the wrath of its owner, so
 use extreme caution.  The first master of the oboe as
 a weapon was Melvin "Schwartz" (Oklahoma All-State
 Band 1982), name changed to protect the guilty. He
 single handedly destroyed a performance of the Howard
 Hanson Romantic Symphony Finale under McBeth with his
 laser-like tones and inconsistent attacks. To this day
 he has a bounty on his head and was last seen tending
 bar in Tijuana.

 Eb CLARINET: The Eb clarinet is the Tasmanian Devil of
 the woodwind family. Entirely uncontrollable and
 unpredictable, its blunderbuss like emissions can
 occur without warning. It is as much a danger to its
 owner as it is to the intended victim. For this reason
 the Eb clarinet is not in wide use today and only used
 by highly trained professionals and circus band

Bb CLARINET: As the flute is to the piccolo, the Bb
 Clarinet is to the Eb Clarinet. The only time a Bb
 \clarinet is considered truly dangerous is in the
 hands of a saxophonist doubling on clarinet. His
seemingly lacking ability to adjust his air to the
 clarinet causes a tone so forced and horrific that
 decorum prevents me from continuing.

 the clarinet family. Considered to be low grade
 weapons, these clarinets are of limited lethality due
 to the geekiness of their operators.

 BASSOON: This is a weapon designed to start wars. Used
 primarily indoors, this weapon's unique tone can cause
 great embarrassment in social situations. Also known
 as the "farting bed post" the bassoonist will hide
 behind a set of curtains at an official state dinner
 or similar function. With the help of a diplomatic
 operative during the meal, the intermittent flatulent
 tones emitted by the bassoon can be blamed on certain
 visiting high government officials, causing great
 embarrassment and the possible beginning of
 hostilities between two countries. The best
 countermeasure to the bassoon involves lighter fluid
 and matches (you fill in the blanks).


 ALTO SAX: Originally invented by Adolph Sax as the
 result of an evening of much cheap wine and a dare by
 a drunken horn player, he produced an instrument that
 is neither brass nor woodwind. The only intended
 victim of this vile weapon is the concert band French
 horn player. Nothing is worse than hearing a great
 brass lick only to be obscured by the overly reedy
 tone and wobbly "vibrato" of some half crazed alto sax
 doubling the horns and overplaying them. Composers and
 arrangers are to blame as much as the alto players.
 Older players unable to temper their 1940's swing band
 vibrato are also a danger. The only counter measure is
 to question their manhood by daring the player to play
 Charlie Parker's "Donna Lee" at 230 beats per minute.
 That should shut 'em up!

 TENOR SAX: (See Alto Sax) Counter measure, throw down
 the gauntlet with a dare to render John Coltrane's "Giant Steps".

 BARITONE SAX: A tenor or alto wannabe, this instrument
 is flaccid and harmless unless played in the style of
 Stephen "Doc" Kupka (Tower of Power). His sporadic
 well placed grunting and punctuated style, when
 discovered by young players, can cause discomfort
 among the average chool director. The only counter
 measure to this is self medication by the teacher in
 the form of tequila shots or similar substances.

 TRUMPET: Obviously one would think that a trumpeter's
 greatest weapon is his ability to play high notes at
 great volume. This is a misconception that has been
 perpetuated unwittingly by great performers like
 Maynard Ferguson and Dizzy Gillespie. The danger is
 not in the player who can play high. The danger lies
 in the player who THINKS he can play high. A young
 player's incessant caterwauling and inflated ego are a
 danger to himself and all those around him. The best
 effective counter measure is to allow the player to
 continue his high note practice (even encourage him to
 go higher and louder) until his lips explode or he
 cracks a tooth jamming his face into the mouthpiece.

 FRENCH HORN: French horns thankfully are a danger only
 to a small group of people, as their bells point in
 the wrong direction. They are only a danger to those
 unfortunate enough to have to sit behind them. Their
 intonation problems and constant cacking of pitches is
 of great annoyance to those brass players sitting
 behind them. Though lately the introduction of
 plexiglass reflectors has reduced the danger to those
 behind the horns, unfortunately it presents a greater
 danger to the players themselves and those in front of
 them. Upon hearing their actual tones coming back at
 them, some hornists have been known to actually puke
right on stage due to the hideousness of their own tone.

 TROMBONE: A unique application, the instrument itself
 is not the real danger. The person playing the
 instrument is what is truly dangerous. The trombone
 and its player are the original "smart bomb". This
 weapon is most effective in high tech warfare areas.
 Insertion of one or more trombonists into a warfare
 computer center instantly lowers the aggregate I.Q. in
 the room. The trombonist's incredible stupidity is a
 lethal bio weapon that spreads at an incredible rate.
 Within 5 minutes of exposure all computer operators
 within a 50 foot radius are reduced to drooling idiots
 incapable of the simplest motor functions and bowel
 control. Use of trombonists as weapons was outlawed by
 the Geneva Convention in 1999 after an ugly incident
 at a Dixieland convention in Sacramento.

 BARITONE/EUPHONIUM: This is a weapon of mass
 confusion. Euphonium players are the Rodney

 Dangerfields of the brass world. Young players
especially don't know their place in the band. They
double French horns, trombones, saxophones, tubas in
octaves, bass clarinets, bassoons...yadda, yadda,
 yadda!  Euphonium orchestral parts are played by the
2nd trombone or worse, the tuba player! For this
reason most euphonium.........baritone...(WHATEVER !)
players resort to doubling on trombone. This is when
 they become dangerous. (see trombone).

TUBA: This is a sonic weapon that when set off can
 produce sub sonic tones causing a general feeling of
 uneasiness and queasiness to those within its
effective range. Also one may attach a sousaphone to a
marching column of soldiers. As all tubists drag, the
ever slowing performance of um-pahs will eventually
reduce the marching soldiers to a snail's pace causing
them to be late for a battle or not arrive at all. The
most effective countermeasure is to feed the tubist
 with great quantities of beer (imports if you have
them). It won't improve his playing but makes him more
enjoyable to be around.

 SNARE DRUM/TRAP SET: This weapon affects only a very
 small demographic: teenage girls and the fathers of
 these girls with steady jobs and liquid bank accounts.
 The snare drummer and the jazz/rock variety of set
 player act almost like a computer worm. The drummer
 will attach itself to an unsuspecting teenage girl and
 milk her and her father's finances in such a way as to
 not be noticed by the father until it is too late.
Drummers are the leaches of the music world and can
only be countered by being forced to get a real day
 job. This will reduce the drummer's "coolness" factor
 and the daughter will immediately lose interest.

The airport Security in some airports have discovered "The Unidentified
Foreign Object of high suspect" is the Kazoo!  God forbid we should be
attacked by that!

 'We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready
 in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm.'
                               --- George Orwell ---

Kaye Wade
Stuntwoman-Actress, Reflexologist
Vocalist & Bandleader -Kaye Wade's Riverboat Ramblers
& The Tinsel Town Ten Minus 3
PO Box 1068 Studio City  CA. 91614-1068

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