Stephen Barbone barbonestreet at earthlink.net
Wed Apr 9 20:21:29 PDT 2003

Adapted from a list sent to me by reed virtuoso, Hennig Hoehne


1. My instrument was tuned at the factory, and it's still under

2. The audience cannot see the music. If you cannot play it, fake it.

3. This is an adult band; all humor should be adult-oriented.

4. The trombone belongs in the back row and must earn this right
    with every possible rude comment.

5. Only follow the leader / singer enough to make him (her!) feel
    any more would unnaturally boost his / her ego.

6. If playing softer is necessary, remember playing out of tune will
    cancel out the unneeded sound.

7. "Fortissimo" does not mean "Loud as **** "; "Forte" does!

8. Hearing aides should be reserved only for older more experienced
    players. The experience is necessary because faking it is difficult
    when you cannot hear to follow the rest of the band.

9. Remember; a gig is "just another rehearsal." Take advantage of
    this time to try something new.

10. Everyone should play the same piece.

11. Stop at every repeat sign and discuss in detail whether to take
      the repeat or not. The audience will love it.

12. If you play a wrong note give a nasty look to one of your partners.

13. Keep your fingering chart handy. You can always catch up to the

14. Carefully tune your instrument before playing. That way you can
      play out of tune all night with a clear conscience.

15. If reading, take your time turning pages.

16. The right note at the wrong time is a wrong note (and vice-versa).

17. If everyone gets lost except you follow those who got lost.

18. Markings for slurs, dynamics and ornaments should not be
      observed. They are only there to embellish the score.

19. If a passage is difficult, slow down. If it's easy, speed up.
      Everything will work itself out in the end.

20. If you are completely lost, stop everyone and say, "I think we
      should tune up."

21. Happy are those who have not perfect pitch for the kingdom of
      music is theirs.

22. If the ensemble has to stop because of you, explain in detail why
      you got lost. Everyone will be interested.

23. A true interpretation is realized when there remains not one note
      of the original.

24. A wrong note played timidly is a wrong note. A wrong note played
      with authority is an interpretation.

25. When everyone else has finished playing, you should stop even
      if you have left over notes.

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