[Dixielandjazz] ONE MORE AND I'LL STOP

[Charlie Hooks]

>>
>>>>>>Chick singer offenses/fine list
>>>
>>>>>>Singer's name __________________________________
>>>
>>>>>>Real name _______________________________
>>>
>>>>>>Date of offense(s) _____ / _____ / _______
>>>
>>>>>>Preparation/Equipment Offenses
>>>
>>>>>>Doesn't know how to adjust mic stand-$15
>>>>>>Can't figure out how to connect cable to mic-$15
>>>>>>Takes up over an hour getting EQ setting on monitors-$50
>>>>>>Still gripes about EQ setting on monitors-$75
>>>>>>Lays mic down on stage and walks off stage-$15
>>>>>>Lays mic down facing kick drum-$20
>>>>>>Lays mic down facing guitar amp-$25
>>>>>>Lays mic down facing monitor-$50
>>>>>>Points mic toward monitor-causing feedback during song-$75
>>>>>>Straight arms mic when singing-$15
>>>>>>Drops mic-$10
>>>>>>Leaves lipstick all over mic-$100
>>>>>>Doesn't have set list-$10
>>>>>>Doesn't have keys on set list-$15
>>>>>>Doesn't have original songs charted-$20
>>>
>>>>>>Singing offenses
>>>
>>>>>>Doesn't know key to songs-$10
>>>>>>Doesn't know when to come in-$15
>>>>>>Modulates without informing band-$20
>>>>>>Continues singing in old key after song modulates-$30
>>>>>>Forgets original singer of song-$10
>>>>>>Dances great but sings off key and out of time-$30
>>>>>>Gets off key singing acapella-$200
>>>>>>Stands onstage but doesn't sing harmonies-$30
>>>>>>Sings bad harmonies-$35
>>>>>>Sings harmonies already contributed by band member in song-$40
>>>>>>Stops song halfway through and starts over-$25
>>>>>>Forgets to sing bridge-$20
>>>>>>Forgets words-$20
>>>>>>Sings verses out of order in song-$15
>>>>>>Makes up 4th verse to 3 verse song-$100
>>>>>>Holds words to song while singing onstage-$20
>>>>>>Looks at pager while singing song-$10
>>>>>>Sings consistently flat-$25
>>>>>>Sings consistently sharp-$25
>>>>>>Sings too softly-$5
>>>>>>Just plain ol' CANNOT SING, buys band a round of drinks-no charge
>>>>>>Sings "Stand By Your Man" in the key of A-$30
>>>>>>Wants to sing "Crazy" by Patsy Cline more than once a night-$100
>>>>>>Thinks that "Poor Pitiful Me" is a new Terri Clark song rather than the
>old
>>>>>>Warren Zevon song-$50
>>>>>>Thinks that "I Will Always Love You" is a new Whitney Houston song
>instead
>>>>>>of an old Dolly Parton song-$100
>>>>>>Dolly who?-$50
>>>>>>Patsy who?-$10
>>>
>>>>>>Stage presence offenses
>>>
>>>>>>Leaves stage when not singing lead vocal-$20
>>>>>>Holds guitar, but doesn't play-$15
>>>>>>Plays guitar but plays wrong chords, not plugged in-$25
>>>>>>Plays guitar, wrong chords, plugged in-$250
>>>>>>Plays tambourine-$10
>>>>>>Plays tambourine out of time-$50
>>>>>>Leaves tambourine, drink, charts, entertainer's secret lying all over
>>>>>>stage-$25
>>>>>>Plays harmonica solo during song-$100
>>>>>>Tells jokes over mic-$5
>>>>>>Tells bad jokes over mic-$50
>>>>>>Tells bad joke and then laughing hysterically about it over mic-$500
>>>>>>Leaves stage to argue with boyfriend-$35
>>>>>>Argues with band members onstage-$150
>>>>>>Argues offstage with boyfriend musician-$175
>>>>>>Argues onstage with boyfriend musician-$200
>>>>>>Gripes at band onstage-$20
>>>>>>Gripes at band onstage over mic-$75
>>>>>>Walks off stage to use cell phone on gig-$15
>>>>>>Uses cell phone on stage during gig-$30
>>>>>>Powders nose, sprays perfume, sprays hairspray, freshens up lipstick on
>>>>>>stage-$15
>>>>>>Thousand dollar outfit, ten dollars worth of singing lessons-$60
>>>
>>>>>>Other miscellaneous offenses
>>>
>>>>>>Late for gig-$30
>>>>>>Dates a musician in the band-$50
>>>>>>Dates the drummer-$150
>>>>>>Sets foot on a Karaoke stage-$20
>>>>>>Sings on a Karaoke stage-$50
>>>>>>Uses fictitious last name-$50
>>>>>>Falls for so-called producer she meets on gig, "Hey baby, I'll make you
>a
>>>>>>STAR"-$20
>>>>>>Dumps management, band, etc. after making the big time-$10,000
>>>>>>Hates the phrase "chick singer"-$500