[Dixielandjazz] HOW TO COOK A CONDUCTOR

[Charlie Hooks]

Written for orchestra conductors, but applicable to many band leaders I've
worked for over the years.  (This isn't new, and you may have seen it,)




> > >HOW TO COOK A CONDUCTOR
> > >or
> > >"Maestro al Dente"
> > >
> > >Necessary Ingredients:
> > >        One large Conductor, or two small Assistant Conductors
> > >        2 gallons Ketchup
> > >        2 large garlic bulbs
> > >        10 lb. Crisco or other solid vegetable shortening - lard may be
> > >substituted
> > >        1 cask cheap wine
> > >        1 bass trunk
> > >        2 lb. alfalfa sprouts
> > >        27 lb. assorted yuppie food - tofu, yogurt, crudite', etc.
> > >
> > >Preparation Instructions:
> > >
> > >First, catch a conductor and remove clothing, tail, and horns.
Carefully
> > >separate the large ego and reserve for sauce.  Remove any batons,
> pencils,
> > >and long articulations and discard.  Remove the hearing aid and discard
> (it
> > >never worked, anyway).
> > >Clean the conductor as you would a squid, but do not separate the
> tentacles
> > >from the body.
> > >If you have an older conductor, such as one from a Major
> > >Orchestra or Summer Music Festival, you may need to tenderize.  Some
> > >suggested successful methods:  Pound the conductor on a rock with
timpani
> > >mallets; smash the conductor repeatedly between two large cymbals;
place
> the
> > >conductor directly in front of the brass section for at least twenty
> minutes
> > >while it performs Strauss and Wagner excerpts "ffffffff mit
flatterzung."
> > >Then examine your conductor carefully - many of them are mostly large
> > >intestine.  If you have such a conductor, you must discard it and catch
> > >another.
> > >Next, place the conductor into the bass trunk, cover with cheap wine,
and
> > >marinate for at least 36 hours, or for a single performance of any
> Bruckner
> > >symphony, whichever is longer.  Exception:  Conductors from France.
> Since
> > >American and German conductors have a beery taste which some gourmands
> > >prefer, the wine might overwhelm - use your judgment.
> > >When the conductor has been sufficiently marinated, rub all over with
> > >garlic.  Then with vague, slow, circular motions, cover every inch of
the
> > >body with the shortening.  If this turns you on, you may simultaneously
> > >cover your own body with shortening.
> > >Then find an orchestra.  Put out as much music as the stands
> > >will hold without falling over and make sure there are many really loud
> > >passages for everyone - big loud chords for the winds and brass and
lots
> and
> > >lots of fortissimo tremolos for the strings.  Rehearse these passages
> > >several times, making sure the brass, winds, and percussion always play
> as
> > >loud as they can and the strings tremolo at the highest possible speed.
> This
> > >should ensure adequate flames for cooking your conductor. If the flames
> are
> > >not high enough, take every possible repeat and add the second repeats
in
> > >really big symphonies.  Ideally, you should
> > >choose your repertoire to have as many repeats as possible.  If you
have
> a
> > >piece with no repeats, just add some, claiming that you have seen the
> > >original score and there was an ink blot there that "looked just like a
> > >repeat" to you, and which obviously had been missed by every other
> > >idiot/music critic who had ever looked at the score.
> > >
> > >When the flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your
conductor
> on
> > >top of your orchestra (he won't mind because he's used to it) until
he's
> > >well tanned and his hair turns back to its natural color.
> > >Be careful not to overcook, else your conductor could end up tasting
like
> > >stuffed ham.
> > >Make a sauce by combining the ego, sprouts, and ketchup, then
> > >Place in a blender and puree until smooth.  Slice your conductor as you
> > >would any turkey, cover with sauce, and serve accompanied by the
assorted
> > >yuppie food and the remaining wine.
>
>

Charlie