[Dixielandjazz] More Musician Definitions

[Robert Ringwald]

More Musician's Definitions
BANDSTAND: The area furthest away from an electrical outlet.
BIG BAND: Nowadays, an aggregation consisting of two musicians.
BROADWAY PIT JOB: A prison sentence disguised as a gig.
CABARET: A venue where singers do songs from shows that closed out
  of town.
CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME: God's way of telling you that you've
  practiced too much.
CATERER: A man whose hatred for musicians is unrivaled.
CHANTEUSE: A singer with an accent and no time.
CLASSICAL COMPOSER: A man ahead of his time and behind in the rent.
CLUBDATER: God's way of telling you that you didn't practice enough.
CLUB DATE LEADER: Someone who changes his name from Kaminsky to Kaye.
CONTINENTAL VIOLINIST: A guy who rushes like he's trying to catch
  the last train to Budapest.
CONTRACTOR: A man whose funeral nobody goes to.
CRUISE SHIP WORK: A gig that gives a musician two reasons to throw up.
DJ: The guy your son would rather have play for his Bar Mitzvah.
D-MINOR: A rare army classification which states: in the event of
  war, all musicians are to only play klezmer (Yiddish music).
DOUBLE BASS: The instrument the folks footing the bill feel is
  unnecessary.
DOWNBEAT: The magazine that would have you believe that all jazz
  musicians are working.
ELECTRIC PIANO: The instrument that enables its player to pay for
  the hernia he sustained lifting it.
HOTEL PIANIST: A guy who looks good in a tux.
JAZZ: The only true American art form beloved by Europeans.
JAZZ FESTIVAL: An event attended by folks who think Coltrane is a
  car on the B&O railroad.
LYRIC: That part of a tune known only by singers and homosexuals.
MELLOPHONE: An instrument best put to use when converted into a lamp.
METRONOME: The archenemy of chanteuses and cantors.
MOVIE COMPOSER: Someone who can write like anyone except himself.
NEW AGE: A musical substitute for Valium.
NEW YEAR'S EVE: The night of the year when contractors are forced
  to hire musicians they despise.
ORCHESTRATOR: The musician who enhances a composer's music, only to
  be chastised for it.
PERCUSSIONIST: A drummer who can't swing.
PERFECT PITCH: The ability to pinpoint any note and still play out
  of tune.
PIANIST: An archaic term for a keyboard player.
PRODIGY: A kid who has as much chance at a normal childhood as the
  Chicago Cubs winning the World Series.
RAGA: The official music of New York's Taxi and Limousine Commission.
RARE VIOLIN: A Stradivarius, not to be confused with a rare
  violinist, which is someone over four foot eleven.
SIDEMAN: The appellation that guarantees a musician will never be
  rich.
STAFF MUSICIAN: Harder to locate than a cavity in the Osmond family.
STEADY ENGAGEMENT: Look up in Webster's Dictionary under the word
  "obsolete."
UNION REP: A guy who thinks big bands are coming back.
VERSE: The part of a tune that's disposable, except to its composer.
VIOLA D' AMORE: A baroque string instrument and coincidentally the
  hooker Bach lost his virginity to.
WURLITZER: The Ford Pinto of pianos.
YANNI: A man blessed with great hair for music.


--Bob Ringwald
www.ringwald.com
Fulton Street Jazz Band
530/ 642-9551 Office
916/ 806-9551 Cell
Amateur (Ham) Radio K6YBV

An Irish Man is sitting in the pub with his wife and he says, "I love you."
She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replies, "It's me talking to the beer."