[Dixielandjazz] Jazz Musicians' Helpline

[Dingo]

Jazz Musicians' Helpline

Welcome to the JAZZ MUSICIANS' HELPLINE. Your call is important to us so
please use the following menu system to shorten your wait:

If you are a bandleader wishing to know your opinion of yourself, press 1

If you are a tuba/sousaphone player in a 'classic' jazz band enquiring which
beats you will be expected to play on, press 1 and 3

If you are a drummer wanting to know on which beats to press your hi-hat
pedal, press 2 and 4 - regularly spaced if you can manage it

If you are a banjo player enquiring about how many strings to buy for a
complete re-stringing of your instrument, press 4

If you are old enough to remember Dave Brubeck press 5 then 4

If you are an agent wanting to know how much commission to charge, press 15.
Or 20. Or 25. Or whatever number you fancy

If you want to know the REAL length in minutes of a jazz musician's
'15-minute interval' enter any number in excess of 45

If you are at a cultural crossroads between jazz and rhythm & blues and 
can't
decide which Route to take, press 66

If you are over 60 and always forget to play the coda, press RECALL

If you wish to express your opinion of what your bandleader makes of gig
arrangements, press HASH

If you are a bebop tenor player press as many keys as fast as you can for 20
minutes or more or until the room is empty, whichever comes first

If you want to know how much you THINK the bandleader is paying the other
sidemen, press SECRET (if you have that facility. If not, think of the
amount of pay you got for the last gig and add 10).

If you are a trumpet player trying to discover what it is in the audience
that distracts you in between solos press MAMMARY. Sorry, make that MEMORY.

If you are a trombonist and want to know how many beers you can drink and
think you can still pass the breath test, deduct 1 from the number of beers
you have already drunk and press that number.

If you are a vocalist in a band that always starts your numbers too fast or
too slow, press any number between 0 and infinity. If, however, you are
generally satisfied with the tempos set by the bandleader, press any number
OUTSIDE that range
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Just passing it on/recycling.
~~
John D