[Dixielandjazz] Musician's Dictionary

[Bob Romans]

I thought this might be worth forwarding.  It's kinda' close to the bone...
Warm regards,
Bob Romans,
1617 Lakeshore Dr.,
Lodi, California,95242,
Cell Block 7 Jazz Band,
209-747-1148
www.cellblock7.biz
You have to hand it to Venus De Milo



  MUSICIAN'S DICTIONARY...


  AGENT:    a character who resents performers getting 90% of his salary.
  ARRANGER:   a guy who writes to support a drinking habit.

  BALLET:   an art form for people with eating disorders
  BANDSTAND:   the area furthest away from an electrical outlet
  BIG BAND:   nowadays, an aggregation consisting of two musicians.
   BROADWAY PIT JOB:   a prison sentence disguised as a gig.

  CABARET:   a venue where singers do songs from shows that closed out of 
town.
  CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME:   god's way of telling you that you've practiced 
too much....
  CATERER:   a man whose hatred for musicians is unrivaled.
  CHANTEUSE:   a singer with an accent and no time.
  CLASSICAL COMPOSER:   a man ahead of his time and behind in the rent.
  CLUBDATER:   God's way of telling you that you didn't practice enough.
  CLUB DATE LEADER:   someone who changes his name from Kaminsky to Kaye.
  CONTINENTAL VIOLINIST:   a guy who rushes like he's trying to catch the 
last train to Budapest. CONTRACTOR:    a man whose funeral nobody goes to.
  CRUISE SHIP WORK:  a gig that gives a musician two reasons to throw up.

  DJ:   the guy your son would rather have play his Bar Mitzvah
  D-MINOR:   a rare army classification which states: in the event of war, 
all musicians are to only play klezmer.
  DOUBLEBASS:    the instrument the folks footing the bill feel is 
unnecessary.
   DOWNBEAT:    the magazine that would have you believe that all jazz 
musicians are working.

  ELECTRIC PIANO:  the instrument that enables it's player to pay for the 
hernia he sustained lifting it.

  HOTEL PIANIST:  a guy who looks good in a tux. JAZZ: the only true 
American  art form beloved by Europeans.

  JAZZ FESTIVAL:   an event attended by folks who think Coltrane is a car on 
the B&O railroad.

  LYRIC:  that part of a tune known only by singers and homosexuals.

  MELLOPHONE:   an instrument best put to use when converted into a lamp.
  METRONOME:   the archenemy of chanteuses and cantors.
  MOVIE COMPOSER:  someone who can write like anyone except himself.

   NEW AGE :   a musical substitute for Valium.
  NEW YEARS EVE:   the night of the year when contractors are forced to hire 
musicians they despise. ORCHESTRATOR:   the musician who enhances a 
composer's music, only to be chastised for it .

  PERCUSSIONIST:   a drummer who can't swing.
  PERFECT PITCH:    the ability to pinpoint any note and still play out of 
tune.
  PIANIST:   an archaic term for a keyboard player.
  PRODIGY:    a kid who has as much chance at a normal childhood as the 
Chicago Cubs winning the World Series.

  RAGA:    the official music of New York's Taxi and Limousine Commission.
  RARE VIOLIN:   a Stradivarius, not to be confused with a rare violinist, 
which is someone over four foot eleven.

  SIDEMAN:    the appellation that guarantees a musician will never be rich.
  STAFF MUSICIAN:    harder to locate than a cavity in the Osmond family.
  STEADY ENGAGEMENT:    look up in Webster's Dictionary under the word 
''obsolete.''
  24\7:    the time signature of the national anthem of India.

  UNION REP:   a guy who thinks big bands are coming back.

  VERSE:   the part of a tune that's disposable, except to it's composer.
  VIOLA D'AMORE:   a baroque string instrument and coincidentally the hooker 
Bach lost his virginity to.

  WURLITZER: the Ford Pinto of pianos.

  YANNI: a man blessed with great hair for music