[Dixielandjazz] English as she is spoke

[Jerry Brown]

A little while ago there was a discussion about the English Language and whilst this is somewhat off the DJML map I felt members would be amused by the information below which was sent to my wife by a Belgian friend:-


ONLY THE ENGLISH COULD HAVE INVENTED THIS LANGUAGE !
> >
> >
> > We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
> > But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
> > One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
> > Yet the plural of moose should never be meese..
> > You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
> > Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
> > If the plural of man is always called men,
> > Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
> > If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
> > And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
> > If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
> > Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
> > Then one may be that, and three would be those,
> > Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
> > And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
> > We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
> > But though we say mother, we never say methren.
> > Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
> > But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
> > Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
> > There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
> > Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
> > English muffins weren't invented in England.
> > We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
> > We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
> > And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
> > And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
> > Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
> > Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
> > If you have a bunch of odds and ends
> > And get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
> > If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
> > If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
> > Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
> > Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
> > In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
> > We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
> > We have noses that run and feet that smell.
> > We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
> > And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
> > While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
> > You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
> > In which your house can burn up as it burns
> > Down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
> > And in which an alarm goes off by going on.
> > And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?
> >
> > I WOULD LIKE TO ADD THAT IF PEOPLE FROM POLAND ARE CALLED POLES THEN PEOPLE
> > FROM HOLLAND SHOULD BE HOLES AND THE GERMANS, GERMS

Cheers,

Jerry,
Norwich,
UK