[Dixielandjazz] The Jazz Bailout - Redux

[Stephen G Barbone]

As jazz musicians, we might improvise thusly. No doubt with a little  
more time and effort, the results would be much better.

Cheers,
Steve Barbone

Philadelphia PA  CNN

In light of the recent downturn in the American economy, the nations  
jazz musicians have joined the long line of lobby groups looking to  
Washington for support as the economy slides into a deepening recession.

The jazz industry is asking Washington for a bailout package and major  
subsidies on par with that of the banking and auto sectors. Hobby  
musicians need not apply since they didn't lose anything.

Professional jazz musicians demand access to credit and tax breaks to  
stimulate investment and help the development of new recording and  
performance opportunities. "We are open to other stimulants as well",  
said one aging hipster, known as Muggles.

This recession has really got me dragged, ya dig?” says Steve “Hip  
Bones” Barbone, a Philadelphia based clarinetist and a cornerstone of  
the little known Wall Street Avant-Garde Jazz scene since 1950.

"I mean, now that paying gigs have been depressed by recession and  
freebies, I actually have to get up before noon and find a way to make  
some coin! I might even have to get a 'stimulant supplier' gig like  
Mezz did in order to make ends meet. Any vipers around?"

Similarly, Barbone's’ associate Tom “Fat Cheeks” Wiggins comments that  
with the economy in near chaos, the demand for his percussion and jazz  
bagpipe skills has waned considerably. Wiggins also comments that with  
a sluggish economic situation, he will soon have to find several new  
working girlfriends or else face certain “homelessness. "The only  
segment of my business that is stable", added Wiggins, "is the jazz  
funeral. Thank goodness for the aging jazz fan base."

While this crisis has been brewing for some time, a recent spike in  
the number of banjo players and trombonists delivering pizzas across  
the USA has recently brought this dire situation to the public’s  
attention. Especially to older pizza lovers who fondly remember these  
jazz artists leading sing a longs in those very same venues a few  
decades ago.

Last week, however, jazz advocate Wynton Marsalis met with President  
George W. Bush and the White House economic team to discuss the  
worsening situation.

Marsalis was quoted as saying: “I think it’s important for the  
government to understand that our musical recession has actually been  
worsening since the demise of New York’s 52nd Street scene in the  
early 50’s and thanks to the racket today's kids call 'Rock, Rap and  
Hip Hop'. It's not our fault the music is dying, but the Government's.  
They really should have seen this coming.”

As Marsalis continued,”I think that a strong monetary stimulus package  
and a mandatory listening of Duke Ellington records should encourage a  
healthy economic recovery.” This brought immediate reaction from  
several splinter music advocacy groups.

The ACLU suggested shrilly that people should be forced to listen to  
Messers LaRocca, Sbarbaro and the ODJB, as well as other italian jazz  
musicians like Nuncio Scaglione and Sharkey Bonano (a/k/a Bananas).  
"After all", they commented, "it was the Italians who invented jazz,  
and the Mafia that owned all the joints where it was played as it  
became popular."

Similarly, a group of nattily attired (red vests, arm garters and  
boaters) West Coast Traddies insisted that enforced listening should  
also include bands such as Lou Watters, Bob Scobey and Turk Murphy,  
who were instrumental in modernizing the music of King Oliver, and in  
Murphy's case, in writing songs that only professionals should attempt  
to play.

President Bush responded to these comments by replying that: “Mr.  
Marsala, the ACLU and the Traddies have very good points here. The  
country will be in dire straights if we lose our “jazzy” roots. I  
mean, personally, I always enjoy a little Kenny G in the evening while  
I try to woo the First Lady. His duet with Louis Armstrong is  
phenomenal. 'Wonderful World' is such an accurate depiction of my  
accomplishments. Besides, it works on Laura every time."

Bush also commented that a global consensus on the state of the jazz  
economy will have to be reached. “The way things stand, America’s jazz  
artists just can’t compete with the lower paid jazz artists currently  
flooding the market from Mexico, along with a huge amount of non  
monetary stimulants. They are eroding our tax base and diluting Jelly  
Roll's Spanish Tinge."

In related news: America’s Blues musicians report an increase in  
depressing lyrics. "It is a reflection of the times” claims one  
downtrodden guitarist whose wife, Cocaine Lil, left him the day after  
his dog died.