[Dixielandjazz] God creates sidemen

[Norman Vickers]

To:  DJML-in case you haven't seen it.  If it's a repeat, forgive me, but
it's worth repeating.

 

Norman-not the perfect sideman-Vickers

Pensacola


THE BOOK OF JOBBING, CHAPTER IV: GOD CREATES SIDEMEN
 
"And so the great Leader Nebulon did embark upon a search for suitable
Sidemen for his orchestra, and he could find none; for in those days there
were not many, and those he could find were already working.
Some worked the Ark with the House of Noah, and some had the house gig at
The Walls of Jericho.  And many played behind the scat-singing team of
Shadrach, Meshach and Abednago.
 
So Nebulon did return to the Lord and saith, "Lord, there are many
musicians, but no Sidemen!", and he rent his clothing asunder.
 
And the Lord did say, "Thou art a schmuck!  Hast thou looked everywhere?
Didst thou call the Union?"
 
And Nebulon did say, "Lord, I have looked high and low, especially low; and
only one or two could I find.  What shall I do?"
 
And the Lord did afflict Nebulon with boils, saying unto him, "Leave Me to
think on this!"
 
And just to buy some time he did also visit a plague of locusts upon Egypt.
 
And the Lord did summon a league of Angels, and sent them forth over the
land, commanding them to find Him some Sidemen.
 
And the Angels did go to the four corners of the earth, but the only
unemployed Sideman they could find was one holy man in India who did play
the horn with the slide.
 
 So with great fear the Angels did return to the Lord with the bad news, and
filled with wrath He said.  "How can this be?  At one time the world did
teem with Sidemen, as dead oxen do with maggots!"
 
And the Angels did say, "Lord, many left the business, many have become
idiots, and some have even become Leaders, and no Leader will work for
another Leader."
 
So the Lord did cause drought for 40 days while He thought, and at last the
answer came unto Him.  He did recall that there was a factory, part of his
Beasts Of The Field, Inc., division, that was in disuse.  For it had earlier
been used to create Golems, for which there had been no great demand, and so
He had closed down the operation.  And He thought, 'We can retool, and start
turning out Sidemen.'
 
And so it was done, and it came to pass that the Sidemen started rolling off
the assembly line.
 
But somehow a remnant of the Golem program remained, and the Sidemen did
come out acting unpredictably.
 
Some stammered and stuttered, some talked to themselves under their breath,
and some would not bathe.
 
Some refused to shave their beards or to have their hair shorn, and some
refused to wear the Jobbing Toga.
 
And some wore the Toga, but left them crumpled in their chariots in between
Gigs, or slept in them, or wore Togas from eons past, with ruffles.
 
And some did not believe in maps, and wandered the land aimlessly looking
for the Gig, and some did not believe in the use of the hourglass, and
arrived at the Gig whenever they chose.
 
And some loved the wine of dates, and some loved the burning of hemp.
 
And some were created without ears, and some with knuckles where their
eyebrows should be.
 
And some did worship the gods Trane, Jaco, Mahavishnu and Ornette, and
mocked their Leaders.
 
And some did steal food from the buffet line, yea, even before the Guests
had dined.
 
And some did try to lay with the Chick Singers, and some with the Guests,
and some with the Little Sisters of these, the Chick Singers and the Guests.
 
And some did not Read, and some could only Read, and not Blow.
 
And some had no social skills, and some had no musical skills. And many of
them were Dark, not in pigmentation of the skin, but in the Outlook on Life.
 
But every once in a while the line did produce a Perfect Sideman:  One who
followed orders without question; One who showed up on time; One who wore
the Toga; One whose chariot always ran; One who Knew Tunes;
 
But these Perfect Sidemen were few and far between, and besides their eyes
were glazed, and they were shunned, for they were Boring, and knew not how
to Hang.
 
And soon the land teemed with Sidemen milling about, looking for Gigs,
complaining and whining and arguing and occasionally stabbing each other in
the back.
 
And the Lord looked down upon his work, and said,  "It will do."