[Dixielandjazz] Singin' the Blues

[Ron Wheeler]

I've had this a long time and may have seen it posted in similar form here,
but this is the definitive version on...

HOW TO SING THE BLUES

[Attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky]

1.	Most Blues songs begin, "Woke up dis mawnin'."

2.	"I got a good woman" is not a good way to begin the Blues unless you
stick something nasty in the next line:
		I got a good woman.
		Wid da meanes' dog in town.

3.	The Blues is simple.  After you get the first two lines right,
repeat them.  Then put in something that rhymes. Sort of.
		I got a good woman.
		Wid da meanes' dog in town.
		Yeah, I got me a good woman.
		Wid da meanes' dog in town.
		He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher.
		An' he weigh 'bout 500 poun'.

4.	The Blues is not about limitless choices.  If you stuck in a ditch,
you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.

5.	Blues cars are Chevys and Cadillacs and broken down trucks.  Other
acceptable Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
You cannot sing the Blues in a Volvo, BMW, Mini-Van or SUV.  Walkin' plays a
major part in the Blues lifestyle.  So does fixin' to die.

6.	Teenagers can't sing the Blues.  They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues.  In the Blues, "adulthood" means old enough to get
the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7.	You can have the Blues in New York City, but not in Queens, Staten
Island, Hawaii or any place in Canada.  Hard times in Vermont or Tucson is
just depression.  Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best
places to have the Blues.  You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't
get rain.

8.	A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues.  A woman with male
pattern baldness is.  Breaking your leg cuz you skiin' is not the Blues.
Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chompin' on it is.

9.	The following colors do not belong in the Blues:
	a.  Violet	b.  Beige	c.  Mauve	d.  Taupe	e.
Teal	f.  Ecru

10.	You can't have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall; the
lighting is wrong.  Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

11.	Good places for the Blues:
		a.	The highway.
		b.	The jailhouse.
		c.	The crossroads.
		d.	The empty bed.
		e.	The bottom of a whiskey glass.
	Bad places:
		a.	Ashrams.
		b.	Gallery openings.
		c.	Weekends in the Hamptons.
		d.	Neimann-Marcus.
		e.	Golf courses.

12.	No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
happen to be a scrawny old black man with a string tie, and you slept in it.

13.	Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
	Yes, if:
		a.	You're older than dirt.
		b.	Your first name is a southern state like Georgia.
		c.	You're blind.
		d.	You shot a man in Memphis.
		e.	You can't be satisfied.
	No, if:
		a.	You have all your teeth.
		b.	You were once blind but now can see.  [Look into
Gospel or Spiritual.]
		c.	You're deaf.
		d.	The man in Memphis lived.
		e.	You have an IRA, a 401-K or a trust fund.

13.	Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the Blues.
Blues is not a matter of color; it's a matter of bad luck.  Tiger Woods
cannot sing the Blues.  Gary Coleman could.  Ugly white people also got a
leg up on the Blues.

14.	If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other Blues beverages are:
		a.	Wine.
		b.	Rye whiskey.
		c.	Muddy water.
		d.	Black coffee.
	The following are NOT Blues beverages:
		a.	Any mixed drink.
		b.	Any wine which is Kosher for Passover.
		c.	Mineral water [sparkling or still].
		d.	Yoo-Hoo or Snapple [any flavor].

15.	If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death.  Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.
So is the electric chair, substance abuse, dying lonely on a broken down cot
or being denied treatment in an emergency room.

It is not a Blues death if you have a coronary during a tennis match or
while having a liposuction treatment.

16.	Some Blues names for Women:
	a.  Sadie	b.  Big Mama	c.  Bessie	d.  Fat River
Dumplin'.

17.	Some Blues Names for Men:
	a.  Joe 	b.  Lightnin'	c.  Willie	d.  Little Willie
e.  Big Willie.

People with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, or Rainbow will not be
permitted to sing the Blues no matter how many men they shot in Memphis.

18.	Other Good Blues Names [Universal Starter Kit]:

A.
First Name:
A Physical Infirmity
[Blind, Cripple, Lame, Asthmatic, etc.]
B.
Second Name:
A Fruit
[Lemon, Lime, Apple, Banana, Kiwi, etc.]
C.
Third Name:
Last Name of a President
[Jefferson, Johnson, Roosevelt, Fillmore, etc.]

Mix and Match.

-----Original Message-----
From: dixielandjazz-bounces at ml.islandnet.com
[mailto:dixielandjazz-bounces at ml.islandnet.com] On Behalf Of John Mumford
Sent: Sunday, August 12, 2007 09:27
To: Ron Wheeler
Cc: Dixieland Jazz Mailing List
Subject: [Dixielandjazz] Singin' the Blues



Awhile back someone posted a list of phrases that are used to sing the
blues. They were lines like:

I lost my job.

I wrecked my car

Etc.

If anyone still has it and would repost it I would be most thankful.

John Mumford




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