[Dixielandjazz] Jazz math

[Bob Romans]

>From Jack Wiard, clarinetist extraordinair, Australia. Native of LODI, Calif!!

JAZZ MATH

1. If x is the number of chord changes in a tune, and y is the tempo

at which it is played, then xy = factor by which a guitarist will turn

down his amp.

2. # (notes/measure played by a saxophonist on a ballad) is

proportional to # (drinks he has consumed).

3. 4 + 4.125 + 4 + 3.875 + 4 + 4.667 + 4 + (x, where x is unknown) = 1

chorus trading with the drummer.

4. (2 + 5 + 1) x (# of freshman college jazz students,

internationally) = Annual income of Jamie Abersold, in dollars.

5. Infinity = (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) + (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) + (3 + 6 + 2 + 5)

6. 5/4 + 7/4 + 11/4 = drummer's gig.

7. If (# of drinks consumed, per musician) > (# of drinks comped by

club), then unrest will prevail unless (cost per drink) < 1/20 (pay

for gig).

8. 1 up tempo tune + 1 rushing drummer + x (double lattes) = x (fights

among horn players to solo first).

9. 1 ballad + 1 dragging drummer + x(Percocets) = 1 cleared house,

where x is proportional to the speed at which the room empties.

10. 2 (diddles) = paradiddle

11. Jam session + eighth -note rest = missed opportunity.

12. Jam session + (quarter note rest or greater) = band on break.

13. {(New + York) squared - (NewNew + YorkYork + YorkNew) + New York +

2(Ride + Sally) - Sally} divided by (less than five seconds) =

medley from hell.

14. (1/vocalist's experience in years) x (#number of beats per

measure) x 32 = # of unintended modulations + skipped beats, per

chorus.

15. If x = piano's deviance from being in tune, y volume level of

drummer, z = length of gig, and d = number of drinks consumed by

pianist on break, then (d) (xyz/pay of the gig in dollars) predicts

the probability of pianist urinating in the intstrument.

16. "Vow of Poverty" theorem: If # people in audience < # of musicians

on bandstand, then pay per musician < one individual cover charge.

17. "Bass" theorem: A musician's IQ is inversely proportional to the

size of his/her instrument, and directly related to the register of

the instrument.

18. "Rule of One" theorem: (Universe of jazz vocalists) v (# of jazz

vocalists who sing " Summertime") = 1 = rank of "Summertime" among

tunes most despised by instrumentalists.

19. "Devil's Music" theorem: Smooth Jazz = square root of all evil.

20. "Two Americas" Buffet theorem: Fresh salmon/flaccid spanakopita +

prime rib/limp egg rolls + jumbo shrimp/soggy chicken fingers = high

society gig/Elks club gig.

21. How much should a gig pay, based on the following conditions:

drive 90 miles outside of town through pouring rain; set up two hours

in advance; load in through slimy kitchen accessed by treacherous

outdoor staircase; and play four hours of continuous crappy dance

favorites for drunk rich people? Would you take it for ½ that much?

After you bid on the above gig for 1/3 your worth, a college student

offers to play the same gig for ½ as much. You are 12 times as good as

him, but ½ as good -looking. The client has a tin ear. Who will get

the job? Why do you bother practicing?

22. If a trumpet player counts off a tune in 4/4 time at mm = 180, and

the drummer slows it down at a constant rate of deceleration over 8

measures to mm = 150, does the pianist still suck?

23. If a bassist plays a root, a pianist superimposes a major seventh

chord built on the fifth, and a saxophonist plays the 13th, will

attractive women notice? Will the drummer?

24. If a successful attorney earns 3x as much as a successful

musician, but the musician believes his work is 4x as fulfilling, who

actually has larger genetalia?

25. Your trio is set up in a perfect equilateral triangle. A singer

sets up exactly in the middle. Will the three of you be divided

against the singer or against one another?

26. If (% of Americans who like jazz) = (% of Americans who like chain

saw sculptures), what is America's most important indigenous art form?

Warm regards,
Bob Romans,
1617 Lakeshore Dr.,
Lodi, Calif. 95242
Ph 209-747-1148
www.cellblockseven2002.net