[Dixielandjazz] Musician Jokes

[Rick Knittel]

>From Ron Davisson in Delray beach

Rick Knittel
Q:   What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A:    A large pizza can feed a family of four. 
Q:   How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
A:   By their names.  
Q:   Why are harps like elderly parents?
A:   Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars. 
Q:   What's the difference between a trombone and a lawn mower?
A:   It's easier to find work in the summer with a lawn mower. 
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like
to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Q:   How are musicians like linoleum?
A:   Lay them once and you can walk on them forever. 
Q:   What's the difference between a saxophone and a husband?
A:   A saxophone makes sound when you blow it. 
Q:  What is the difference between a stage coach driver and a conductor? 
A:  A stage coach driver only has to look at four assholes! 
Q:  What's the difference between the front desk of violas and the back
desk of violas?
A:  At least a semi-tone! 
Q:    What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A:    The grip.  
Q:   There are two bass players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A:   The policeman 
Q:   What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A:   You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon. 
Q:    How do you get a trumpet player to play softly?
A:    Take away his instrument. 

SPECIAL SECTION FOR THE UNHERALDED VIOLA
(Don't show this to Pinchus Zuckerman)
What do you call the cadenza in a Viola concerto?
Comic relief. 
How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case. 
We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer.
But why does it burn longer?
It's usually still in the case. 
What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside. 
What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist?
Vibrato. 
Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
It saves time. 
How was the canon invented?
Two violists were trying to play the same passage together. 
Why is a viola solo like a bomb? 
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it. 
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed. 
What is the definition of a cluster chord?
A viola section playing on the C string. 
Why do violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra?
All those positions! 
Why is viola called "bratsche" in Germany?
Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it. 
What instrument do violists envy most? 
The harp. You only ever have to play pizzicato on open strings. 
What's another name for viola auditions?
Scratch lottery. 
What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
Drive-by viola recitals. 
How does a violist's brain cell die? 
Alone. 
What do you call a violist with two brain cells?
Pregnant. 
Did you hear about the violist who played in tune?
Neither did I. 
Why did the violist marry the accordion player?
Upward mobility. 
How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola?
Divide the metronome marking by 2. 
Why are Viola parts written in Alto Clef?
Harder to prove that wrong notes weren't copying errors.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Viola Players Golden Rules For Ensemble Playing 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Before starting to play, you should tune carefully, from then on, it
is alright to play out of tune all evening.
2. If you do not succeed in tuning to the correct pitch, it isn't your
fault, it is due to your instruments timbre. 
3. You should all play the same piece (remember what happened last time.)

4. Keep Calm, it's always the others who have the melody and solo parts. 
5. If you make a mistake, cast a disapproving look at one of the other
players. 
6. Stop at every repeat, proceed to discuss at length whether or not to
continue. 
7. Turn your pages with care, the fourth page seldom works as a
continuation of the first. 
8. If you lose time turning your page, play fast all the way through to
catch up, be sure you do this loudly so they know to slow down. 
9. If all the other players are wrong, and you alone are right... try to
play wrong as well. 
10. If you rush the eighth notes and slow down on the long ones you will
usually come out about right. 
11. If you mis-counted and have lost your place beyond all hope, boldly
announce that you think the others should stop and re-tune. 
12. Annotations like #, b, p, f, cresc, decresc, as well as any dots,
lines, hashes, or slurs above, below, after, or before are of no
consequence.  During thr performance they are often altered, redone, or
skipped.  In addition, they are merely extras thrown in by the arranger
to screw you up. 
13. When all the other players are done playing, you should refrain from
playing what you have left. 
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