[Dixielandjazz] A Proper Band Musician Introduction

Zenith Sydney zenith at ans.com.au
Fri Nov 19 14:40:49 PST 2004

Hi Steve,

Good post - a lot of psychological realism there !
Where is the source for this or did you make it up ?

Tom (big hands) Wood

----- Original Message -----
From: "Steve barbone" <barbonestreet at earthlink.net>
To: "DJML" <dixielandjazz at ml.islandnet.com>
Sent: Saturday, November 20, 2004 1:40 AM
Subject: [Dixielandjazz] A Proper Band Musician Introduction

> "Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce the members of tonight's
> band...( in fact, any band).
> "On piano____________: But first a few words about pianists in general,
> are intellectuals and know-it-alls. They studied theory, harmony and
> composition in college, but are riddled with self-doubt. They are usually
> bald and grow a beard. They should have big hands, but often don't. They
> were social rejects as adolescents. They go home after the gig and play
> toy soldiers. Pianists have a special love-hate relationship with singers.
> If you talk to the piano player during a break, he will condescend.
> "On bass we have _____________ Bassists are not terribly smart. The best
> bassists come to terms with their limitations by playing simple lines and
> rarely soloing. During the better musical moments, a bassist will pull his
> strings hard and grunt like an animal. Bass players are built big, with
> for hands, and they are always bent over awkwardly. If you talk to the
> bassist, you will not be able to tell whether or not he's listening.
> "On drums____________ Drummers are intense. Specific personalities vary,
> are always extreme. A drummer might be the funniest person in the world,
> the most psychotic, or the smelliest. Drummers are uneasy because of the
> many jokes about them, most of which stem from the fact that they aren't
> really musicians. Most drummers are highly excitable and when excited,
> play louder. If you decide to talk to the drummer during a break, always
> careful not to sneak up on him.
> "On clarinet______________ Clarinetists think they are the most important
> players on stage. Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial.
> know all the Shaw and Goodman licks but have their own sound, a mixture of
> Shaw and Goodman. They take exceptionally long solos, which peak half way
> through. They practice audibly while other people are trying to play.
> Clarinetists sleep with their instruments, or anything else that is handy,
> forget to shower, are mangy and often have an STD. If you talk to a
> Clarinetist, you will hear a lot of excuses about reeds.
> "On trumpet_______________ Trumpet players are image-conscious and walk
> a swagger. Trumpet players are very attractive to women, despite the
> indentation on their lips. Many of them sing; like either Louis Armstrong
> Chet Baker depending whether they're black or white. Arrive at the session
> early, and you may get to witness the special trumpet game. The rules are:
> play as loud and as high as possible. The winner is the one who plays
> loudest and highest. If you talk to a trumpet player, he might confess
> his favorite player is Maynard Ferguson, the merciless God of loud-high
> trumpeting.
> "On guitar_________________ Jazz guitarists are unhappy. Deep inside they
> want to be rock stars, but they're old and overweight. In protest they
> for groupies, drink a lot, and play too loud. Guitarists hate piano
> because they can hit ten notes at once, but guitarists make up for it by
> turning up the amp. Then the drummer starts to play harder, and the
> trumpeter dips into his loud/high arsenal. Suddenly, the clarinetist's
> universe crumbles, because he is no longer the most important player on
> stage. He packs up his horn and storms out of the room. If you talk to a
> guitarist he'll ask intimate questions about your 14-year-old daughter.
> "Our vocalist is the lovely _____________ Vocalists are whimsical
> of the all-powerful jazz gods. Their raison d'etre is to test musicians'
> capacity for suffering. They are not of the jazz world, but enter it
> surreptitiously. Example: A young woman is playing minor roles in college
> musical theater. One day, a campus newspaper critic describes her singing
> "...jazzy." A star is born! She learns "Blue Moon" "Summertime," and
> 66." and embarks on a campaign of musical terrorism. The vocalist will try
> to seduce you by making eye contact and acknowledging your presence, DO
> FALL INTO THIS TRAP! Look away, make your distaste obvious. If you talk to
> vocalist, she will introduce you to her "manager."
> "On trombone___________________ The trombone is known for its pleading,
> voice-like quality. "Please," it seems to say, "Hire me for a gig."
> Trombonists like to play fast, because their notes become
> and thus immune to criticism. Most trombonists played trumpet in their
> years, then decided they didn't want to walk around with a strange
> indentation on their lips. Now they hate trumpet players, who somehow get
> all the women despite this disfigurement. Trombonists are usually tall and
> lean, with forlorn faces. They don't eat much. They have to be very
> friendly, because nobody really needs a trombonist. Talk to a trombonist
> he'll ask for a gig, try to sell you insurance, or offer to mow your lawn.
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