[Dixielandjazz] HOW TO SING THE BLUES
patcooke at cox.net
Tue Jul 20 10:16:37 PDT 2004
Thanks Steve.....that's the list I was talking about!
----- Original Message -----
From: "Stephen Barbone" <barbonestreet at earthlink.net>
To: "Dixieland Jazz Mailing List" <dixielandjazz at ml.islandnet.com>
Sent: Tuesday, July 20, 2004 10:48 AM
Subject: [Dixielandjazz] HOW TO SING THE BLUES
> Pat Cooke asked about a list of who can, and how to sing the Blues. Here
> is one of many.
> Steve Barbone
> HOW TO SING THE BLUES (attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from
> Uncle Plunky)
> 1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
> 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you
> stick something nasty in the next line. EG. I got a good woman-- with
> the meanest dog in town.
> 3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it.
> Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
> Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like
> Margaret Thatcher and he weighs about 500 pounds.
> 4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
> 5. Blues cars are old Chevies and Cadillacs. Not BMW, or Mercedes or
> Lexus. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or riding
> the rails on a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues
> lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
> 6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues
> adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot
> a man in Memphis.
> 7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or
> Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a
> depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Memphis and Kansas City are still the
> best places to have the blues.
> 8. The following colors do not belong in the blues: a. violet b. beige
> c. mauvre
> 9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, or anywhere
> else the lighting is wrong.
> 10. Good places for the Blues: a. the highway b. the jailhouse c. the
> empty bed d. hollow log.
> Bad places: a. Ashrams b. Gallery openings c. weekends in the Hamptons
> or Palm Springs.
> 11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you
> happen to be an old black man.
> 12. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if: a. your first name
> is a southern state -- like Georgia b. you're blind c. you
> shot a man in Memphis. d. you can't be satisfied.
> No, if: a. you were once blind but now can see. b. you're deaf c. you
> have a trust fund. d. You didn't wake up this mornin.
> 13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
> 14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
> Other blues beverages are: a. wine b. Irish whiskey c. muddy water.
> Blues beverages are NOT: a. Any mixed drink b. Any wine kosher for
> Passover c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
> 15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death.
> Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die.
> So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in
> an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you die during a
> liposuction or botox treatment.
> 16. Some Blues names for Women a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Lady
> 17. Some Blues Names for Men a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d.
> Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing
> the blues no matter how many men they shoot in
> 17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit) a. Name of Physical infirmity
> (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic) b. First name (see above) or
> name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi) c. Last Name of President (Jefferson,
> Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
> Mix and Match
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