[Dixielandjazz] Re: Fw: Musical Terms.

[Sam Meerkin/Evelyne Perks]

Sent to me by a banjo playing friend.


 "Being a country musician who dabbles in old standards and such, I got
 a big charge out of the discussion of musical terms.  Thought you
 folks might get a tickle out of the following:"

 MUSICAL TERMS MISUNDERSTOOD BY COUNTRY-WESTERN MUSICIANS:

 Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels
Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels
 Ritard -- There's one in every family
 Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps
 Relative Minor -- A girlfriend
 Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
 Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle"
 Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you
 Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but
 Bass -- The things you run around in softball
 Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see
 Conductor -- The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
 Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that
  grows?"
 Tempo -- Good choice for a used car
 A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville
 Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses
 Cut Time -- Parole
 Order of Sharps -- What a wimp gets at the bar
 Passing Tone -- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family
  barbecues
 Middle C -- The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are
  low
  Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road
  Tuba -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll
  Cream!"
 Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of
  when company comes
 Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year
 Clef -- What you try never to fall off of
 Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off
 Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes"
  or "Dori-toes"
  Minor Third -- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of
  Formal schooling
 Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad
 12-Tone Scale -- The thing the State Police weigh your tractor
  trailer truck with
 Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul
 Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever
 Clarinet -- Name used on your second daughter if you've already used
  Betty Jo
 Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone
 Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and
  when
 French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you
  come in at 4 a.m.
 Cymbal -- What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to
  sight-in your pistol with
 Bossa Nova -- The car your foreman drives
 Time Signature -- What you need from your boss if you forget to clock  in

  First Inversion -- Grandpa's battle group at Normandy
 Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home
 Major Scale -- What you say after chasing wild game up a
  mountain: "Darn! That was a major scale!"
 Aeolian Mode -- How you like Mama's cherry pie
 Bach Chorale -- The place behind the barn where you keep the horse
 appologiatura  :  when making a mistake, failing to blame someone
 else
 legato : play standing up
 con briano : playing at 'The Ostrich'
 gratesioso : saxophone technique
 lento : using someone else's music
 pizzacato : playing whilst eating
 canterbile : playing on horseback
 Gotterdammerung : expression used by musician who has just
 dropped his Stradivarius
 corno basso : a painful foot
 oratorio : piece sung by a disagreeable Conservative
 augmented triad : musical mafia

Best regards,
Sam Meerkin.