[Dixielandjazz] Fwd: Band Weapons of Mass Destruction

[Avache1 at aol.com]

In a message dated 2/2/04 11:11:04 AM Eastern Standard Time, Avache1 at aol.com 
writes:
Here's somthing from a friend of mine in New Jersey I thought you'd all enjoy.
Allan
I guess you can't forward long email messages. Sorry about that. I'll see if 
cut & paste works.
Allan

> Important message from Homeland Security
> >
> > Subject: "Band" Weapons of Mass Destruction
> >
> > It's hard to believe that the Pentagon website
> > contains this surprisingly
> > un-PC sub-section listing of some more obscure WMD's
> > (Weapons of Mass
> > Destruction):  The following is a list of more
> > obscure forms of domestic
> > "Band" Weapons
> > of Mass Destruction.  These are the most insidious
> > and dangerous weapons of
> > all.  To the common layperson, they appear innocuous
> > and non-lethal, but in
> > the
> > right hands, they present a threat of incalculable
> > proportions.  Please read
> > the following and heed all precautions therewith.
> >
> > PICCOLO: the minute dimensions of this weapon make
> > it especially lethal as
> > it
> > is easily concealed and can be set off just about
> > anywhere.  As a solo
> > weapon, this device emits a high-pitched squeal that
> > directly targets the
> > inner ear.
> >  The application of this tone temporarily disorients
> > its intended victim
> > rendering him unable to react.  The natural reaction
> > of covering one's ears
> > to
> > reduce the intense pain causes military personnel
> > within a 100 yard radius
> > to
> > drop their weapons leaving them defenseless to
> > further attack.  Applied in
> > concert with a second piccolo of slightly higher or
> > lower pitch, the weapons
> > produce
> > the effect of an ice pick through the eardrum and
> > may cause profuse bleeding
> > of the aural cavity.  These weapons are constructed
> > in three forms; metal,
> > composite materials, wood, or any combination of the
> > three. The all-metal
> > piccolos are especially lethal.  The only
> > countermeasure to this weapon is
> > to apply
> > psychological warfare in the following manner.
> > Compliment the musician on
> > her:
> > Clothes / Hair / Shoes.  This will distract the
> > musician(s) from emitting
> > her
> > deadly tones and cause her to gab endlessly about
> > herself.  This in itself
> > takes us to another problem man has dealt with for a
> > thousand years and to
> > which
> > there is no antidote.  Good Luck!
> >
> > FLUTE: Slightly less effective as the piccolo but
> > still nothing to be
> > trifled
> > with.  The flute possesses the same destructive
> > qualities as the piccolo but
> > is required in greater numbers to do so.  Sixth and
> > seventh grade females
> > are
> > especially effective with this weapon and are to be
> > approached with extreme
> > caution.
> >
> > OBOE: This weapon may appear harmless at first
> > sight.  The instrument's
> > stealth qualities lure its intended victims into a
> > false state of security,
> > and
> > then hit them without mercy.  The oboe itself is a
> > harmless composite or
> > wooden
> > conical tube.  Once the ordnance (reed) is inserted,
> > it is a weapon of
> > tremendous power.  One comforting factor is that the
> > oboe is only as
> > dangerous as the
> > musician who wields it. At first glance, the
> > operator of the oboe appears
> > sweet, demure, and quite approachable.  Do not be
> > fooled by this deception.
> > The
> > oboist is actually a very high strung and
> > temperamental foe.  This mania is
> > caused by the perpetual search for the perfect reed,
> > which we all know
> > doesn't
> > exist.  Those who play on plastic reeds are the
> > bottom dwellers of the oboe
> > world and are especially dangerous.  The oboe is
> > capable of producing a tone
> > of
> > laser-like quality.  The sheer capabilities of
> > volume produced can overpower
> > an
> > entire concert band.  The resulting backpressure
> > produced by over blowing
> > has
> > a two-way effect.  It allows the musician to play
> > seemingly forever on one
> > breath resulting in sympathetic vibrations causing
> > bulletproof glass and
> > diamonds
> > to shatter into deadly flying shards.  The warning
> > signs of impending doom
> > occur when the musician raises the body of the
> > instrument to her mouth to
> > blow
> > dust from under a key.  This is how the weapon is
> > cocked.  If you ever see
> > an
> > oboist do this, run for cover my friend, for all
> > Hell is about to break
> > loose.
> > The second effect of this weapon's backpressure is
> > to cause its owner to
> > eventually go insane.  On rare occasions an oboist's
> > head has been known to
> > explode
> > while firing their weapon. The only countermeasure
> > to this weapon is to
> > remove and professionally destroy the ordnance
> > (reed).  Doing so will also
> > incur
> > the wrath of its owner, so use extreme caution.  The
> > first master of the
> > oboe as
> > a weapon was Melvin "Schwartz" (Oklahoma All-State
> > Band 1982), name changed
> > to protect the guilty.  He single handedly destroyed
> > a performance of the
> > Howard Hanson Romantic Symphony Finale under McBeth
> > with his laser-like
> > tones and
> > inconsistent attacks.  To this day, he has a bounty
> > on his head and was last
> > seen tending bar in Tijuana.
> >
> > Eb CLARINET: The Eb clarinet is the Tasmanian Devil
> > of the woodwind family.
> > Entirely uncontrollable and unpredictable, its
> > blunderbuss like emissions
> > can
> > occur without warning.  It is as much a danger to
> > its owner as it is to the
> > intended victim.  For this reason the Eb clarinet is
> > not in wide use today
> > and
> > only used by highly trained professionals and circus
> > band daredevils.
> >
> > Bb CLARINET: As the flute is to the piccolo, the Bb
> > Clarinet is to the Eb
> > Clarinet.  The only time a Bb clarinet is considered
> > truly dangerous is in
> > the
> > hands of a saxophonist doubling on clarinet.  His
> > seemingly lacking ability
> > to
> > adjust his air to the clarinet causes a tone so
> > forced and horrific that
> > decorum prevents me from continuing.
> >
> > ALTO, BASS, CONTRA BASS CLARINET: The Scud missiles
> > of the clarinet family.
> > Considered low-grade weapons, these clarinets are of
> > limited lethality due
> > to
> > the extreme geekiness of their operators.
> >
> > BASSOON: This is a weapon designed to start wars.
> > Used primarily indoors,
> > this weapon's unique tone can cause great
> > embarrassment in social
> > situations.
> > Also known as the "farting bed post" the bassoonist
> > will hide behind a set
> > of
> > curtains at an official state dinner or similar
> > function.  With the help of
> > a
> > diplomatic operative during the meal, the
> > intermittent flatulent tones
> > emitted
> > by the bassoon can be blamed on certain visiting
> > high government officials,
> > causing great embarrassment and the possible
> > beginning of hostilities
> > between
> > two countries.  The best countermeasure to the
> > bassoon involves lighter
> > fluid
> > and matches (you fill in the blanks).
> >
> > SOPRANO SAXOPHONE: (See Kenny G)
> > AHHHHHHHHHRGHHH!!!!!
> >
> > ALTO SAX: Originally invented by Adolph Sax as the
> > result of an evening of
> > much cheap wine and a dare by a drunken horn player,
> > the instrument he
> > produced
> > is neither brass nor woodwind.  The only intended
> > victim of this vile weapon
> > is the concert band French horn player.  Nothing is
> > worse than hearing a
> > great
> > brass lick only to be obscured by the overly reedy
> > tone and wobbly "vibrato"
> > of some half crazed alto sax doubling the horns and
> > overplaying them.
> > Composers and arrangers are to blame as much as the
> > alto players.  Older
> > players
> > unable to temper their 1940's swing band vibrato are
> > also a danger.  The
> > only
> > counter measure is to question their manhood by
> > daring the player to play
> > Charlie
> > Parker's "Donna Lee" at 230 beats per minute.  That
> > should shut 'em up!
> >
> > TENOR SAX: (See Alto Sax) Counter measure, throw
> > down the gauntlet with a
> > dare to render John Coltrane's "Giant Steps".
> >
> > BARITONE SAX: A tenor or alto wannabe, this
> > instrument is flaccid and
> > harmless unless played in the style of Stephen "Doc"
> > Kupka (Tower of Power).
> > His
> > sporadic well placed grunting and punctuated style,
> > when discovered by young
> > players, can cause discomfort among the average
> > school director.  The only
> > counter
> > measure to this is self-medication by the teacher in
> > the form of tequila
> > shots or similar substances.
> >
> > TRUMPET: Obviously one would think that a
> > trumpeter's greatest weapon is his
> > ability to play high notes at great volume.  This
> > misconception has been
> > perpetuated unwittingly by great performers like
> > Maynard Ferguson and Dizzy
> > Gillespie.  The danger is not in the player who can
> > play high.  The danger
> > lies in
> > the player who THINKS he can play high.  A young
> > player's incessant
> > caterwauling
> > and inflated ego are a danger to himself and all
> > those around him.  The most
> > effective counter measure is to allow the player to
> > continue his high note
> > practice (even encourage him to go higher and
> > louder) until his lips explode
> > or
> > he cracks a tooth jamming his face into the
> > mouthpiece.
> >
> > FRENCH HORN: French horns thankfully are a danger
> > only to a small group of
> > people, as their bells point in the wrong direction.
> >  They are only a danger
> > to
> > those unfortunate enough to have to sit behind them.
> >  Their intonation
> > problems and constant cracking of pitches is of
> > great annoyance to those
> > brass
> > players sitting behind them.  Though lately the
> > introduction of Plexiglas
> > reflectors
> > has reduced the danger to those behind the horns,
> > unfortunately it presents
> > a
> > greater danger to the players themselves and those
> > in front of them.  Upon
> > hearing their actual tones coming back at them, some
> > hornists have been
> > known to
> > actually vomit on stage due to the hideousness of
> > their own tone.
> >
> > TROMBONE: A unique application, the instrument
> > itself is not the real
> > danger.
> >  The person playing the instrument is what is truly
> > dangerous.  The trombone
> > and its player are the original "smart bomb."  This
> > weapon is most effective
> > in high tech warfare areas.  Insertion of one or
> > more trombonists into a
> > warfare computer center instantly lowers the
> > aggregate I.Q. in the room.
> > The
> > trombonist's incredible stupidity is a lethal bio
> > weapon that spreads at an
> > incredible rate.  Within 5 minutes of exposure, all
> > computer operators
> > within a
> > 50-foot radius are reduced to drooling idiots
> > incapable of the simplest
> > motor
> > functions and bowel control.  Use of trombonists as
> > weapons was outlawed by
> > the
> > Geneva Convention in 1999 after an ugly incident at
> > a Dixieland convention
> > in
> > Sacramento.
> >
> > BARITONE/EUPHONIUM: This is a weapon of mass
> > confusion.  Euphonium players
> > are the Rodney Dangerfields of the brass world.
> > Young players especially
> > don't
> > know their place in the band.  They double French
> > horns, trombones,
> > saxophones, tubas in octaves, bass clarinets,
> > bassoons...yadda, yadda,
> > yadda!  Euphonium
> > orchestral parts are played by the second trombone
> > or worse, the tuba
> > player!
> >  For this reason most
> > euphonium.........baritone...(WHATEVER!) players
> > resort
> > to doubling on trombone.  This is when they become
> > dangerous.  (See
> > trombone.)
> >
> > TUBA: This is a sonic weapon that when set off can
> > produce sub sonic tones
> > causing a general feeling of uneasiness and
> > queasiness to those within its
> > effective range.  In addition, one may attach a
> > sousaphone to a marching
> > column of
> > soldiers.  As all tubists drag, the ever-slowing
> > performance of um-pahs will
> > eventually reduce the marching soldiers to a snail's
> > pace causing them to be
> > late for a battle or not arrive at all.  The most
> > effective countermeasure
> > is to
> > feed the tubist with great quantities of beer
> > (imports if you have them).
> > It
> > won't improve his playing but makes him more
> > enjoyable to be around.
> >
> > SNARE DRUM/TRAP SET: This weapon affects only a very
> > small demographic:
> > teenage girls and the fathers of these girls with
> > steady jobs and liquid
> > bank
> > accounts.  The snare drummer and the jazz/rock
> > variety of set player act
> > almost
> > like a computer worm.  The drummer will attach
> > himself to an unsuspecting
> > teenage
> > girl and milk her and her father's finances in such
> > a way as to not be
> > noticed by the father until it is too late.
> > Drummers are the leaches of the  music
> > world and can only be countered by being forced to
> > get a real day job.  This
> > will reduce the drummer's "coolness" factor and the
> > daughter will  immediately  lose interest.
> >
> >