[Dixielandjazz] Fwd: Jazz Musicians
JazzMnJoe at aol.com
JazzMnJoe at aol.com
Tue May 20 01:33:25 PDT 2003
In a message dated 5/19/03 12:19:31 PM Central Daylight Time,
bixnme at excite.com writes:
> Pianists are intellectuals and know-it-alls. They studied theory,harmony and
> composition in college. Most are riddled with self-doubt.They are usually
> bald. They should have big hands, but often don't.They were social rejects
> as adolescents. Pianists have a special love-hate relationship with
> Bassists are not terribly smart. The best Bassists come to terms with their
> limitations by playing simple lines and rarely soloing. During their better
> musical moments, a bassist will pull his strings hard and grunt like an
> animal. Bass players are built big, with paws for hands, and they are
> always bent over awkwardly. If you talk to them during a break, you will
> not be able to tell whether they are listening.
> Drummers are radical. Specific personalities vary, but are alwaysextreme. A
> drummer might be the funniest person in the world, or the most psychotic.
> Drummers are uneasy because of the many jokes told about them, most of
> which stem from the fact that they aren't really musicians. Pianists are
> particularly successful at making drummers feel bad. Most drummers are
> highly excitable; when excited, they play louder. If you decide to talk to
> the drummer during a break, always be careful not to sneak up on him.
> Saxophonists think that they are the most important players on the stage.
> Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial. They know all the
> Coltrane and Bird licks but have their own sound, a mixture of Coltrane and
> Bird. They like to take exceptionally long solos, which reach a peak
> half-way through and then just don't stop.They practice quietly but audibly
> while other people are trying to play. They are obsessed. If you talk to a
> saxophonist during a break, you will hear a lot of excuses about his
> reeds.Trumpet players are image-consc ious and walk with a swagger. They
> are often former college linebackers. Trumpet players are very attractive
> to women, despite the strange indentation on their lips. Many of them sing.
> Misguided critics then compare them to either Louis Armstrong or Chet Baker
> depending whether they're black or white. Arrive at the session early, and
> you may get to witness the special trumpet game.The rules are: play as loud
> and as high as possible. The winner is the one who plays loudest and
> highest. If you talk to a trumpet player during a break, he might confess
> that his favorite player is Maynard Ferguson, the merciless God of
> loud-high trumpeting.
> Jazz guitarists are never very happy. Guitarists hate piano players because
> they can hit ten notes at once, but guitarists make up for it by playing as
> fast as they can. The more a guitarist drinks, the higher he turns his amp.
> Then the drummer starts to play harder, and the trumpeter dips into his
> loud/high arsenal. Sudden ly, the saxophonist's universe crumbles because
> he is no longer the most important player on stage. He packs up his horn,
> nicks his best reed in haste, and storms out of the room. The pianist
> struggles to suppress a laugh. If you talk to a guitarist during the break
> he'll ask intimate questions about your 14-year-old sister.
> Vocalists are whimsical creations of the all-powerful jazz gods. They go to
> sessions in order to test musicians' capacities for suffering. They are not
> of the jazz world, but enter it surreptitiously.Example: A young woman is
> playing minor roles in college musicaltheater. One day, a misguided campus
> newspaper critic describes her singing as "...jazzy." Voila! A star is
> born! Quickly she learns "My Funny Valentine," Summertime," and "Route 66."
> Her training complete,she embarks on a campaign of musical terrorism.
> Musicians flee from the bandstand as she approaches. Those who must remain
> feel the full fury of the jazz universe. Singers generally spend a lot of
> time hanging around the piano player trying to find out what key they sing
> in. Even after years of attending sessions they never know. But they
> usually wear push-up bras, so who cares?The vocalist will try to seduce
> you, and the rest of the audience, by making eye contact, acknowledging
> your presence, even talking to you between tunes. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS
> TRAP! Look away, make your distaste obvious. Otherwise the musicians will
> avoid you during theirbreaks. Incidentally, if you talk to a vocalist
> during a break, she will introduce you to her "manager." There are also a
> few male jazz singers but they never go to jamsessions. They generally
> spend a lot of time and money on theirwardrobe and hair. The end of the
> last vocal chorus is usually adisaster as nobody (even the singer) knows
> how to take the tune out. Will he/she come in at the bridge after the
> solos, repeat the last 8 bars or hold the last note? For how long? or try
> for the highest note in hi s/her range &hope that it will be somewhere on
> the chord? Sometimes you can tell he/she is going out by closing his/her
> eyes and raising his/her arms to a crucifixion position.The trombone is
> known for its pleading, voice-like quality. "Listen,"it seems to say in the
> male tenor range, "Why won't anybody hire me for a gig?"
> Trombonists come to a gig burdened with a long musical tradition of comedy
> effects. Only the bassoon has such a history - but bassoonists seldom come
> to jam sessions. Today trombonists like to play fast, because their notes
> become indistinguishable and thus immune to criticism. Some trombonists
> played trumpet in their early years, then decided that they didn't want to
> walk around with a strange indentation on their lips. Now they hate trumpet
> players, whosomehow still get most of the women despite this
> facialdisfigurement. Trombonists are usually tall and lean, with forlorn
> faces. They don't eat much. They have to be very friendly , because nobody
> really needs a trombonist. Talk to a trombonist during a break and he'll
> ask you for a gig, try to sell you a mutual fund or offer to help you set
> up a web site.
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