[Dixielandjazz] Accordian Non-Playing

[Bill Horton]

Musical tie-in:  Is there a govt. program for non-playing the accordian?
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Subject: Dept. of Agriculture Program


TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Madam Secretary;
My good friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for
$1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the
"not raising hogs" business next year. What I want to know is, in your
opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the
best breed of hogs not to raise?

I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all
governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that
is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise
Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be
in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has
been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them
was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not
raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100
hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to
about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year.
Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels
of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and
wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to
feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any
information you have on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally
unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you
will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

Bill Horton

P.S. Please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.