[Dixielandjazz] trans. from the Sumerian

[Charlie Hooks]

The following MS has been lost for several years in my vault of ancient
documents and only turned up today by accident.  Some of you may not have
seen it.--Charlie

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Selection from "The Book of Jobbing"
Date: Wed, 24 Mar 1999 05:24:06 EST
From: HASHIMOTO@aol.com

THE BOOK OF JOBBING
translated from the original Sumerian by Steven Hashimoto

        And so it came to pass, during one date, that the Sidemen were
assailed by Doubts, and Darkness descended upon the Bandstand.
        And the Leader turned to his quaking flock, and saith,
        =ECMy children, why do you doubt me?
        =ECHave I not led you through the Valley of the Loading Dock to the
Great Land of Long Breaks, Hot Meals, and Undertime?
        =ECHave I not banished the dreaded =ECMacarena=EE from the Set List, and
allowed thee to Blow on selected numbers?
        =ECDo we not play the Correct Changes for the Bridge of =ECGirl From
Ipanema=EE, and do we not play Motown selections at the Proper Tempos?
        =ECAnd do I not pay you all equitably, neither overpaying the Chick
Singers nor underpaying the Horn Players?
        =ECAnd are there not Charts for the Horns, so that thou need not Fake
Parts?
        =ECSo why doth thou protest when I call The Willie Nelson Song, or Th=
e
Jackson 5 Ballad? Are they not preferable to =ECAchey Breaky Heart=EE or
anything by Celine Dion?
        =ECWouldst thou rather suffer Flung Beverage Containers or Scowls
and Hectoring by the Aunts and Uncles?
        And the Sidemen aswered him, =ECBut Father, we look out into the
Dance Floor, and we see The Maelstrom;
        =ECWe fear the Youngsters with Pierced Body Parts, as well as the
Ancient Ones with Canes and Walkers;
        =ECAlso do we fear the Bridesmaids with the Large Hair, and the
Groomsmen with Cigars and Dishevelled Tuxedos;
        =ECAlso do we fear the Relatives from the Great Southwest, as well as
those from California, and from New York;
        =ECAlso do we regard with Fear and Loathing the Party Planner, and th=
e
Room Captain;
        =ECBut mostly do we fear the Bride, and Her Mother, who ruleth the
Earth, yea, even above you, our Leader.=EE
        And the Leader looked and saw that this was true.
        And he took his Book, and he flung it into the Buffet Heaters;
        And he took his Bandstand, and he broke it over his knee;
        And he took his Red Bow Tie, and he rent it asunder;
        And he turned to the Party Planner, and he said, =ECNow you have no
power over me, Minion of Evil;=EE
        And he turned to the Room Captain, and he said, =ECI will leave by th=
e
Lobby Entrance;=EE
        And he turned to the Bride, and said, =ECTake thy Whitney Houston CD
and place it where thy Groom may find it during your Honeymoon;=EE
        And he turned to the Bride=EDs Mother and said, =ECThy Daughter is a
Spoiled Brat, and I hope that she soon Divorces her Callow Husband and
returneth to live with thee with her three children for the rest of thy
Natural Life;=EE
        And he turned to the drummer and said, =ECThe band is yours.=EE
        And he went home and slept deeply and soundly, and arose the next
day smiling, and began Making Calls to find work as a Sideman.